That’s life! Am I dating myself with that Frank Sinatra song? Well I enjoy some of the words, for example. “…each time I find myself laying flat on my face, I just pick myself up and get back in the race”! For years now that has been how I exist. I have been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king, I’ve been up and down and over and out as I am sure many of us have been. The thing I know and I just always had a gut instinct was that I had to Never Give Up!
In my past my biggest downfall was not that “one binge” that I would have, no, never did any one meal put 100 pounds or 600 pounds on me. It was the behavior that followed that binge that became my problem. Initially it is just the taste of the food itself. Oh the experts may say it is the “salty taste, or the sweet taste”, all I know is that it is the “Good Taste” that sets me off. Let me not lie, pizza taste good and never did one slice of pizza ever satisfy me.
Anyway, there I would be struggling along “dieting” following one program or another, one gimmick or some new idea! Doing well for a while, numbers dropping, clothes drooping, and compliments coming and then one day (with or without a reason) I just was not going to have one more balanced “healthy” choice. I would give into the voice, I would weaken to the struggle, I would fall prisoner to the drive, and I became a slave to the compulsion of the self –gluttonous, self–destructive, yet un-controllable behavior. I would eat until there was just no more left; I would eat as if it was the last hour in earth’s being. At that moment nothing else counted, just consume as much food, as fast as I could. I was in a trance. Then often (not by my own power) but for some reason those many moments would be over. Then I had to deal with the after.
What did the after consist of? Guilt! The whys? “Why did I do that? Why did I blow the diet! All my hard work I wasted! It is just not going to work, I can not do it”! Then the next thoughts…. “Oh, I should have had bacon and eggs too or maybe crumb cake”. “Well I can not start the diet again without having a pound of bologna, I will have to have that tomorrow and then I will restart the diet the next day”!
The problem is the next day rarely comes and if it does it usually is a year (and 75 pounds) later.
That is the difference now!
I know that if there is a choice that I make now, that may not be the best one for me. A choice that in the past would have lead to an endless battle of guilt and self-destruction, just does not have to be that way anymore.
If I find myself lying flat on my face, I just have to pick myself up and get back in the race!!! I am an okay person! I am a human being, who at times, I may need to make adjustments in my life, and that is fine! Life is not a mathematical equation and sometimes 2+2 is not always going to easily add up to 4. Sometimes you have to help it along a bit. So why not, I am worth the effort, you are worth the effort!
I am thrilled to have a second (and third and fourth) chance if necessary. I am here today, I am alive today, and I am enjoying my life today because of second chances and my ability to, “not give up”.
My wife reminded me of something today. She had asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was blogging. She asked me about what and I told her. She reminded me that my “picking myself up” has given me an opportunity. An opportunity that I would like to share with you.
Twenty years ago, this past January I was at my lowest, and the year “2008” was not even a thought in my head. Then there was May of 1996, when they were taking me out my window with a forklift, in front of the whole world to see, “2008” was not even a dream of mine. Yet resilience, perseverance and just good old “attitude” of not giving up, has allowed me to be where I am today.
I am enjoying my life as if I was 25 years old once again; everyday is a new experience or just and old one that I may have forgotten. The point is that all us need to realize that our recovery, our quest to get well will not go without a bump here or there. Anything any of us strives for, go for, set out to do, will at times come up against a glitch or two. It is up to us to push forward, get through the storm and the bright days are in the future.
I have struggled for a long time, some times too long to think about but every battle every win, every backslide is worth the chance to be here today! Right where I am! Who I am!
Picking ourselves up, allows us to live ….not only live but also to be alive!
I say, I am going to be a player. It is a lot more fun to be a player than to be an observer and ultimately a victim. A player can play at any level, no matter what our physical limitations we may have.
So if you find yourself lying flat on your face, just pick yourself up and get back in the race …as long as you are in the race, YOU ARE A WINNER!
Good Luck my dear friends