Wednesday, December 21, 2011
HOWDY
IT HAS BEEN A WHILE AND I AM GLAD TO BE TALKING TO YOU FOR NOW. I AM NOT GOING TO DRAG YOUR HEAD OR FOCUS MY THOUGHTS ON THE FACT THAT I HAVE BEEN IN A HOSPITAL 205 DAYS THIS YEAR AND THIS LAST STAY INCLUDED A STAY IN “ICU” WITH 19 BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS.
I AM CURRENTLY HOME AND COMPLETELY BED BOUND…..POOR ME!!!
OR
REJOICE, REFOICE! I AM HERE TODAY AND GET TO SHARE A FEW THINGS. TO ALL AND ANY WHO ARE OR ARE NOT SPIRITUAL …GOD LIVES!! HE HANGS OUT IN OUR HEARTS AND IF WE ALLOW HIM TO SPREAD HIS GRACE WITHIN US AND THEN WE SHARE IT. HE LIVES IN ALL THOSE CHURCHS (HEY IT IS GOD) AND HE HANGS OUT IN HOSPITALS. WHETHER THOSE DOCTORS AND NURSES BELIEVE OR NOT... IT DOES NOT MATTER. HE WORKS MIRACLES THROUGH MANY OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.
I SAID IT AND THAT’S IT!
I AM HOME NOW AND I AM LOOKING GOOD, FOR ME. TO GET TO SEE MY GRANDCHILDREN’S FACES ON CHRISTMAS. MY WELCOME HOME HUGS AND KISSES WERE THE BEST MEDICINE. AM I PHYSICALLY CURED? IS IT OVER UNTIL IT IS OVER! AM I CURED? NOT EVEN CLOSE! BUTHAT IS TOMORROW…..!!!
TODAY, TODAY IS THE ONE THAT COUNTS, THERE IS GREAT PAIN, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY BUT I AM NOT SITTING IN A LONELY HOSPITAL WONDERING IF ANYONE WILL BE COMING THROUGH THAT DOOR TO VISIR ME. I GET TO SEE MY WIFE, SON AND HIS GREAT FAMILY. A FRIEND OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBER MAY STOP IN.
MY FRIENDS IT IS IMPORTANT TO FOCUS AS SOON AS YOU CAN ON WHAT WORKS IN YOUR LIFE. FIRST WE ARE ALIVE!!! THEN THERE MAY BE ONE FAMILY MEMBER WHO RESPECTS YOU AND LOVES YOU. YOU ARE ROYALTY. IT COULD BE A CARETAKER WHETHER THEY WORK FOR MONEY OR IT IS THE LOVE FOR YOU IT IS DONE AND THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
YOU HAVE DONE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE. YOU MAY BE WILLING TO ADMIT IT OR NOT!
IT IS NOW WE NEED TO STILL DO GOOD…….FOR YOU! YOURSELF!
PUSH YOURSELF TODAY TO BE A PLAYER:
THAT EXERCISE OR THERAPY IS WORTH IT
THAT WATER LOOKS GOOD IT HAS ALL THE “RIGHT STUFF”
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT CIGARETTE?
IS THAT EXTRA DRINK NEEDED; TURN YOUR BACK ON THE THAT ILLEGAL DRUG
THEN THE TUFF (TOUGH) ONE THE… “FOOD”. THE HOLIDAY’S - IS 5000 CALORIES REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?
THEN AFRER THE HOLIDAYS WE ARE THE GENERAL AND FOOT SOLDIER IN THIS BATTLE…MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES AND EATING HEALTHY! NOT EASY BUT YOU CAN DO IT!
YOU KNOW WE CAN NOT ALL BE THE “BIGGEST LOSER” WE CAN BE THE BIGGEST WINNER.
YOU DID GOOD FOR YOURSELF TODAY. IT MAY NOT BE PERFECT BUT IT IS ONE LESS DRINK, ONE DAY NO SMOKING, AND YOU ARE THE BEST WITH FOOD TODAY THAN YOU HAVE BEEN IN SIX MONTHS!
WO! WINNER!
THERE IS BEAUTY IN TODAY; THERE IS BEAUTY IN YOUR LIFE!
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE ….YOU JUST GOTTA BELIEVE!
BELIEVE IN A HIGER SPIRIT….BELIEVE IN YOU!
WE ALL HAVE TALES OF WOE AND OFTEN THE “DEVIL” IS IN THE DETAILS
B U T!
WHO CARES ABOUT THE DETAILS? IT DRAGS YOU, OTHERS AROUND YOU, AND THE DAY IS UGLY OR YOUR DAY IS.
I AM WORKING ON MY SILVER LINING, ARE YOU?
I WANT TO WISH YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES A JOYUS AND HEALTHY HOLIDAY SEASON!
I AM ON A GREAT RIDE …MY BODY MAY BE CONFINDE TO BED BUT MY HEART, MIND AND SPIRIT ARE AS FREE AS I REACH OUT AND I LET THEM GO!
LET GO OF THE PAIN, SUFFERING, AND TROUBLES (EVEN IF ONLY A MOMENT AT FIRST) AND ENJOY YOUR BLESSINGS.
LAUGH TODAY OR AT LEASE SMILE.
I BELIEVE IN ME, I BELIEVE IN YOU, I BELIEVE THERE IS BETTER IF WE LET IT!
I AM WITH YOU…..
HAVE A GREAT DAY
LOVE
MIKE
Monday, July 25, 2011
WHAT A ROLLER COASTER RIDE…
Weeeeeee! I remember those days so well. I was one of those who loved to go on rides and I did. The rule was “if I fit then that ride I hit”! Many were different Roller Coasters. Living in Brooklyn my whole life we had one of the most famous Roller Coaster in the world, “The Cyclone” in Coney Island.
If you study a Roller Coaster you will find that life is very similar to the ride itself. There are hills and bumps; at times it seems faster than other times. Some of the highs are very high and real scary and then you go along and when you least expect it you plunge into the unknown.
Sound familiar? This can be any of our lives and any time. Throughout life we have our ups and downs, with a few bumps thrown in for good measure. But rather than keep us down we have to keep the ride moving forward because soon the car will climb once again and so will our situations.
Believe me I know when things seem to be the darkest and there seems as if there is no hope, it is hard to keep moving forward. Those are the times when as the song says “you want to roll yourself up in a big ball and die”! “That’s Life”!
True there are times you could feel this way, I have been in that spot often enough to know it. What do you do?
You hang on, you believe and believe hard. There are highs ahead. There is light at the end of that tunnel. The key thing is you have to be here to reap the benefits. You have to not give up, not give up on yourself, on life, on the reality that things can and do change!
You have to believe in yourself even though people have lost faith in you, especially when people have lost faith in you. When those who you love and love you the most have reached their end and have given up on you that is no easy thing to face. That is a low of low.
Here are your greatest support people and they can’t hide their hurt, frustration, fear and overall tiredness. Their lack of belief in you.
This is when it is most important for you to hang on the most. This is where it is the hardest, not only have you given up on you but those who supported you when times were the worse seem to have quit. The pain becomes so bad, the loneliness overcomes you, and the emptiness drains your everything. This is when all you want to do is eat your way through the house….NO, this is when you have to hang on and do the opposite.
You have to fight, try different things, you must survive. We must survive!
There is no answer in the food we stuff in our mouth. The only thing that food does is have the same effect as my Grandson’s Binky (Pacifier). That binky amazes me, it is just a nipple with no reward coming through it yet it quits him down, puts him to sleep and makes him feel good!
Well the food we eat may taste okay for the moment but the overall harm it does…ask yourself. Is it worth it?
We all have an untapped strength inside of us. We really can be stronger than we think we are.
Each and every one of us have to pick our heads up high, throw our shoulders back, deep breath, and say these simple words…”I AM WORTH IT”!
You are worth it! You are worth every try out there. As long as you have breath inside of you, then you are worth the effort. When those who are the ones nearest to us get tired and lose faith in us, we need to be worth it even more.
My brother and sister in battle, no one knows pain we go through, no one knows the Roller Coaster Ride we are on individually, no, not until they ride in our car or walk in our shoes.
There is no room in your shoes for anyone else, walk forward, move on and enjoy the ride because you are worth it!
Really you are!
Good Luck and have a great day…
Love,
Mike
If you study a Roller Coaster you will find that life is very similar to the ride itself. There are hills and bumps; at times it seems faster than other times. Some of the highs are very high and real scary and then you go along and when you least expect it you plunge into the unknown.
Sound familiar? This can be any of our lives and any time. Throughout life we have our ups and downs, with a few bumps thrown in for good measure. But rather than keep us down we have to keep the ride moving forward because soon the car will climb once again and so will our situations.
Believe me I know when things seem to be the darkest and there seems as if there is no hope, it is hard to keep moving forward. Those are the times when as the song says “you want to roll yourself up in a big ball and die”! “That’s Life”!
True there are times you could feel this way, I have been in that spot often enough to know it. What do you do?
You hang on, you believe and believe hard. There are highs ahead. There is light at the end of that tunnel. The key thing is you have to be here to reap the benefits. You have to not give up, not give up on yourself, on life, on the reality that things can and do change!
You have to believe in yourself even though people have lost faith in you, especially when people have lost faith in you. When those who you love and love you the most have reached their end and have given up on you that is no easy thing to face. That is a low of low.
Here are your greatest support people and they can’t hide their hurt, frustration, fear and overall tiredness. Their lack of belief in you.
This is when it is most important for you to hang on the most. This is where it is the hardest, not only have you given up on you but those who supported you when times were the worse seem to have quit. The pain becomes so bad, the loneliness overcomes you, and the emptiness drains your everything. This is when all you want to do is eat your way through the house….NO, this is when you have to hang on and do the opposite.
You have to fight, try different things, you must survive. We must survive!
There is no answer in the food we stuff in our mouth. The only thing that food does is have the same effect as my Grandson’s Binky (Pacifier). That binky amazes me, it is just a nipple with no reward coming through it yet it quits him down, puts him to sleep and makes him feel good!
Well the food we eat may taste okay for the moment but the overall harm it does…ask yourself. Is it worth it?
We all have an untapped strength inside of us. We really can be stronger than we think we are.
Each and every one of us have to pick our heads up high, throw our shoulders back, deep breath, and say these simple words…”I AM WORTH IT”!
You are worth it! You are worth every try out there. As long as you have breath inside of you, then you are worth the effort. When those who are the ones nearest to us get tired and lose faith in us, we need to be worth it even more.
My brother and sister in battle, no one knows pain we go through, no one knows the Roller Coaster Ride we are on individually, no, not until they ride in our car or walk in our shoes.
There is no room in your shoes for anyone else, walk forward, move on and enjoy the ride because you are worth it!
Really you are!
Good Luck and have a great day…
Love,
Mike
Friday, May 13, 2011
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Tomorrow May 14TH I will celebrate the completion of 58 full years of life and begin down the road of my 59th year. What that holds for me, I am not sure. For some reason this birthday is one of reflection. I think it might be because this has been a year where my mortality has become a reality and not something that is just blindly talked about.
What I mean is that since I was eighteen years of age, I have had doctors and others tell me that “If you do not lose weight, you are going to die”! I have heard this so many times over the years, that death was just become another word to me. A word with no personal individual meaning. Oh I have experienced death in my life as I am sure many of you. I have lost friends and family very close to me. I also have been ill, enough times and badly enough to be knocking at those doors of eternity. Yet when I was suffering with those illnesses, I seemed to have youth on my side and I would hear “Mike thank God you have a good heart”!
Well this all changed this year. Let’s face it first of all I am 58 years old. Even if I were the healthiest person walking this earth, I am still 58 years old. Oh and yes, I can still have another 20, 30 years ahead of me but there is a finite number of those years.
Oh I know the 50’s are the new 40’s and the 40’s the new 30’s etc. but is anyone telling the Big Guy in the sky that we humans have decided to push back time by 10 years?
Another thing that has happened this year is that I am beginning to have “Heart” problems and other medical problems that I have been warned about for many years that were going to catch up with me!
Therefore this birthday is one of real reflection, celebration, and gratefulness.
I am grateful to my “Maker” for giving me all this time so far. I am grateful for those who care for me and have followed God’s guidance to see me through some real tough times. I am thankful for those who love me. Needless to say at the top of that list is my wife. Then my son and his family. Then there is my extended family and friends who love me and have stuck by me through “thick and thin”.
I reflect on how lucky I have been. Though my battle has been rough and there have been some close times both medically and emotionally, I am still here to talk about them. I remain to be the luckiest man on earth.
I love the life that has been given to me, would I change some things if I could? Of course I would. Yet I desire. A “Hunger” to live, to carry on and believe me it is a fight sometimes. One that is worth it.
I love opening my eyes each morning to see that I am included in another day. Then by the end of the day, I love to put my head on my pillow and focus on the beauty of the miracle that I just privileged to live. The day, the events, the people I got to interact with was a thing of beauty!
That is why I sit here May 13th the day before my birthday and I make my plans. Plans for the day, the week, the next three months, the next 12 months, 60 months and yes I am taking bets that I will be around for the next 30 years.
Life and I have a deal. It goes like this… I don’t waste a moment of life and appreciate all of those moments, both good and bad, and in return, life will continue to give itself to me for many years to come.
Life is a bowl of cherries and yes sometimes you get a pit or two. When you do get those pits, what do you do? You spit them right out and dig right back in for another cherry. Life can be fun even at it most worse moments. Those would be the times to hang on the hardest and use the tools that you have gathered through your journey to help you get through it. Maybe it is a friend, a call, a book a professional or a prayer. Whatever it takes, fight to survive and live to enjoy another moment.
Even at my darkest moments if I looked real hard and opened up my eyes I saw light at the end of that tunnel (and still do)!
As a gift for my birthday that I give from me to you, I give you my love. I give you my hope. I give you my “Hunger” for this life.
May you never starve of hope and dreams, may you hunger for another day and may you be happy to be who you are and then from there….
we can start…!
Smile, Love
Mike
What I mean is that since I was eighteen years of age, I have had doctors and others tell me that “If you do not lose weight, you are going to die”! I have heard this so many times over the years, that death was just become another word to me. A word with no personal individual meaning. Oh I have experienced death in my life as I am sure many of you. I have lost friends and family very close to me. I also have been ill, enough times and badly enough to be knocking at those doors of eternity. Yet when I was suffering with those illnesses, I seemed to have youth on my side and I would hear “Mike thank God you have a good heart”!
Well this all changed this year. Let’s face it first of all I am 58 years old. Even if I were the healthiest person walking this earth, I am still 58 years old. Oh and yes, I can still have another 20, 30 years ahead of me but there is a finite number of those years.
Oh I know the 50’s are the new 40’s and the 40’s the new 30’s etc. but is anyone telling the Big Guy in the sky that we humans have decided to push back time by 10 years?
Another thing that has happened this year is that I am beginning to have “Heart” problems and other medical problems that I have been warned about for many years that were going to catch up with me!
Therefore this birthday is one of real reflection, celebration, and gratefulness.
I am grateful to my “Maker” for giving me all this time so far. I am grateful for those who care for me and have followed God’s guidance to see me through some real tough times. I am thankful for those who love me. Needless to say at the top of that list is my wife. Then my son and his family. Then there is my extended family and friends who love me and have stuck by me through “thick and thin”.
I reflect on how lucky I have been. Though my battle has been rough and there have been some close times both medically and emotionally, I am still here to talk about them. I remain to be the luckiest man on earth.
I love the life that has been given to me, would I change some things if I could? Of course I would. Yet I desire. A “Hunger” to live, to carry on and believe me it is a fight sometimes. One that is worth it.
I love opening my eyes each morning to see that I am included in another day. Then by the end of the day, I love to put my head on my pillow and focus on the beauty of the miracle that I just privileged to live. The day, the events, the people I got to interact with was a thing of beauty!
That is why I sit here May 13th the day before my birthday and I make my plans. Plans for the day, the week, the next three months, the next 12 months, 60 months and yes I am taking bets that I will be around for the next 30 years.
Life and I have a deal. It goes like this… I don’t waste a moment of life and appreciate all of those moments, both good and bad, and in return, life will continue to give itself to me for many years to come.
Life is a bowl of cherries and yes sometimes you get a pit or two. When you do get those pits, what do you do? You spit them right out and dig right back in for another cherry. Life can be fun even at it most worse moments. Those would be the times to hang on the hardest and use the tools that you have gathered through your journey to help you get through it. Maybe it is a friend, a call, a book a professional or a prayer. Whatever it takes, fight to survive and live to enjoy another moment.
Even at my darkest moments if I looked real hard and opened up my eyes I saw light at the end of that tunnel (and still do)!
As a gift for my birthday that I give from me to you, I give you my love. I give you my hope. I give you my “Hunger” for this life.
May you never starve of hope and dreams, may you hunger for another day and may you be happy to be who you are and then from there….
we can start…!
Smile, Love
Mike
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Health is Number One
How many times, when I was growing up would I hear my father say, “Money ain’t nuttin, (he was a true Brooklynite) what is important is that you got your health”! Time and time again I would hear those words, even in my early twenties when money was no object for me, you would hear him saying. “Big deal, pray for your health foist”! I actually would get a pain in the pit of my stomach when I heard him say that, especially because he said it so much!
Well, who said “Father knows best”? Guess what? He does! I can now attest to the fact, when you have your health there is nothing that is impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that “All things are possible, if you believe”, but when you have good health, the possible is a little more doable.
Now some of us will use a medical situation as an excuse for not reaching a goal that we feel we really want. I say medical situation because not all medical problems equal poor health. I won’t begin to mention some conditions that some of us may have, that may not really be a reason, not to make a healthy choice for food that day or for doing a little physical activity or just getting something done that you have been putting off.
Everyone needs to take a personal inventory of themselves occasionally. You need to have that talk with yourself and say, “self, am I just clowning around? Am I really that sick, that I cannot do____X”? When you have this talk, this honest talk, you may realize that you, are your biggest barrier to getting things done, to living your life. Your life, the way it is meant to be. Not as a victim but as a winner! A human being, a living force in this universe. One that deserves to achieve and receive!
It is when you are seriously ill and have physical challenges that this becomes a little more difficult task. Not impossible but little more difficult. One of the reasons I believe that it is a little more difficult is because there is a lot of physical hours in a day dedicated to taking care of your health. Either with the assistance of others, managing medications, coordinating care, therapy of all kinds, all this and more takes up a lot of real time.
I for one, (in the past almost a year now) have been battling with my health. I say battling because it is a war and I refuse to surrender! I will not say that there are days I truly feel battle fatigued but hopeless? Never! I fight for the physical assistance I need from others just to get me well. Then I push and pray and believe that there will be a tomorrow for me!
I may have been sicker back in the early 1990s but I was a lot younger. Now there are several organs involved and we seem to get one in balance and another one acts up. All those years of putting such unbelievable pressures on my body have taken its toll.
Oh but as the song in “Bye-Bye Birdie” says, “I’ve Got a Lot of Living to Do”! You know what the fact is I may go before finishing this writing…, it’s possible! I don’t believe it but some day it will be. I cannot live that way. I have to believe that there will be a tomorrow for me.
I want to make the best of this day, live for this day, do for today but I want to be able to lift my head and see in the horizon my tomorrow. Do I look forward to the pain and suffering that I will probably have? I believe eventually it will get better and if I have to suffer a bit tomorrow then I will. Because hidden in that deep screaming, darkness of pain and suffering there are those moments. Moments when I get to see my wife, my boys (son and his son’s), and my daughter in law, my family and friends. I read and email or two, a blog message, my both young guys want their Ga Ga’s (that’s me) attention. That makes the pain a little more manageable, the heart beat a little stronger and things are in sync.
What better force is there than the force of life itself? I believe in life. I believe in living. If I can make a healthy choice today, drink a little extra water (that is a difficult one for me), use little less or no salt at all then I was proactive in helping myself. I keep moving, even if to some it may not seem that way, but me keeping my legs moving doing ankle pumps helps my circulation and that is very important. I do what I can and try to do little more each day.
Sometimes it seems like I am back to square one but those are the days I have to remind myself, I am not bed bound, I say to myself it could be worse. There are moments I want to feel sorry for myself. I allow that moment to linger for a minute or two then I say enough is enough “Hebranko” there are people worse off than you. You were worse off than you!
The glass is half full and soon to run over. I could look at life as “man I am almost sixty, which is really old…”! or “wow cool almost sixty, not bad for a guy who was suppose to be dead since he was 21, 33, 40, 48, 53…”! Sixty is not that old it is just a state of mind.
As long as in your head you feel right about yourself it will be then that the body will start to react! Change comes from within first. You have to want it; you have to believe in it! You have to fight for it!
My friends, many of you have emailed me or blogged asking how I am. I will sum it up this way. My body is not that great but my mind is having a ball!
I hope that you, yes you, are doing well. I hope that you are not losing faith and if you are it is time to re-charge! I want you, me and all of us right now take a deep breath and while letting it out say this one thing……..”I am okay, I am worth it”!
Dad, I know you can hear me saying this….Health is the most important, including your spiritual and emotional health also.
Good luck, Good health and have a great rest of today!
Love
Mike
Well, who said “Father knows best”? Guess what? He does! I can now attest to the fact, when you have your health there is nothing that is impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that “All things are possible, if you believe”, but when you have good health, the possible is a little more doable.
Now some of us will use a medical situation as an excuse for not reaching a goal that we feel we really want. I say medical situation because not all medical problems equal poor health. I won’t begin to mention some conditions that some of us may have, that may not really be a reason, not to make a healthy choice for food that day or for doing a little physical activity or just getting something done that you have been putting off.
Everyone needs to take a personal inventory of themselves occasionally. You need to have that talk with yourself and say, “self, am I just clowning around? Am I really that sick, that I cannot do____X”? When you have this talk, this honest talk, you may realize that you, are your biggest barrier to getting things done, to living your life. Your life, the way it is meant to be. Not as a victim but as a winner! A human being, a living force in this universe. One that deserves to achieve and receive!
It is when you are seriously ill and have physical challenges that this becomes a little more difficult task. Not impossible but little more difficult. One of the reasons I believe that it is a little more difficult is because there is a lot of physical hours in a day dedicated to taking care of your health. Either with the assistance of others, managing medications, coordinating care, therapy of all kinds, all this and more takes up a lot of real time.
I for one, (in the past almost a year now) have been battling with my health. I say battling because it is a war and I refuse to surrender! I will not say that there are days I truly feel battle fatigued but hopeless? Never! I fight for the physical assistance I need from others just to get me well. Then I push and pray and believe that there will be a tomorrow for me!
I may have been sicker back in the early 1990s but I was a lot younger. Now there are several organs involved and we seem to get one in balance and another one acts up. All those years of putting such unbelievable pressures on my body have taken its toll.
Oh but as the song in “Bye-Bye Birdie” says, “I’ve Got a Lot of Living to Do”! You know what the fact is I may go before finishing this writing…, it’s possible! I don’t believe it but some day it will be. I cannot live that way. I have to believe that there will be a tomorrow for me.
I want to make the best of this day, live for this day, do for today but I want to be able to lift my head and see in the horizon my tomorrow. Do I look forward to the pain and suffering that I will probably have? I believe eventually it will get better and if I have to suffer a bit tomorrow then I will. Because hidden in that deep screaming, darkness of pain and suffering there are those moments. Moments when I get to see my wife, my boys (son and his son’s), and my daughter in law, my family and friends. I read and email or two, a blog message, my both young guys want their Ga Ga’s (that’s me) attention. That makes the pain a little more manageable, the heart beat a little stronger and things are in sync.
What better force is there than the force of life itself? I believe in life. I believe in living. If I can make a healthy choice today, drink a little extra water (that is a difficult one for me), use little less or no salt at all then I was proactive in helping myself. I keep moving, even if to some it may not seem that way, but me keeping my legs moving doing ankle pumps helps my circulation and that is very important. I do what I can and try to do little more each day.
Sometimes it seems like I am back to square one but those are the days I have to remind myself, I am not bed bound, I say to myself it could be worse. There are moments I want to feel sorry for myself. I allow that moment to linger for a minute or two then I say enough is enough “Hebranko” there are people worse off than you. You were worse off than you!
The glass is half full and soon to run over. I could look at life as “man I am almost sixty, which is really old…”! or “wow cool almost sixty, not bad for a guy who was suppose to be dead since he was 21, 33, 40, 48, 53…”! Sixty is not that old it is just a state of mind.
As long as in your head you feel right about yourself it will be then that the body will start to react! Change comes from within first. You have to want it; you have to believe in it! You have to fight for it!
My friends, many of you have emailed me or blogged asking how I am. I will sum it up this way. My body is not that great but my mind is having a ball!
I hope that you, yes you, are doing well. I hope that you are not losing faith and if you are it is time to re-charge! I want you, me and all of us right now take a deep breath and while letting it out say this one thing……..”I am okay, I am worth it”!
Dad, I know you can hear me saying this….Health is the most important, including your spiritual and emotional health also.
Good luck, Good health and have a great rest of today!
Love
Mike
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Happy New Year
To all my blogger family…I want to take this time to wish you and your loved ones only the best of health and internal peace.
I have not forgotten anyone of you and apologize for the long intermission of blogs.
I have been battling on quite a few fronts and now part of my plan (a necessary part) is that I will be going into the hospital Today….snow allowing for it!
I do not look at this as a defeat but rather an opportunity, a chance to get well physically so that I can face some of my demons on a daily basis.
Winners do not get up one morning and there is a “Gold Medal” around there neck. True winners face a journey one of which we really do not know…but we face it. As it comes up we deal with it and try to make the best of it.
So to you my friend a bid you a temporary ado and leave you with this corny but true statement….
A winner never quits and a quitter never wins…
I walk into this new battle not knowing what is ahead but I do have my tools… my wife and son, my family and friends, the best of doctors, my willingness not to give up and my Faith. I believe that I am in the best of hands...
Have a great New Year, Let 2011 be a year for you….
Love
Mike
I have not forgotten anyone of you and apologize for the long intermission of blogs.
I have been battling on quite a few fronts and now part of my plan (a necessary part) is that I will be going into the hospital Today….snow allowing for it!
I do not look at this as a defeat but rather an opportunity, a chance to get well physically so that I can face some of my demons on a daily basis.
Winners do not get up one morning and there is a “Gold Medal” around there neck. True winners face a journey one of which we really do not know…but we face it. As it comes up we deal with it and try to make the best of it.
So to you my friend a bid you a temporary ado and leave you with this corny but true statement….
A winner never quits and a quitter never wins…
I walk into this new battle not knowing what is ahead but I do have my tools… my wife and son, my family and friends, the best of doctors, my willingness not to give up and my Faith. I believe that I am in the best of hands...
Have a great New Year, Let 2011 be a year for you….
Love
Mike
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My Wife
I need to tell you about my wife. I will try very hard not to make this reflect my personal deep feelings about this very special human being. No, what I want to do is let you know where I draw much of my strength from and who I owe much of my life too.
We all need to have someone (not necessarily a spouse) who can be there for us in some way. Who can support you through good times and some really horrible times?
I know this woman who on so many levels outshines, excels most of us…at least myself.
Madelaine is a business woman. Does she work from 9-5 then come home and leave her job behind her? Never! She gives so much time of herself to her career and the company she works for that they could never imagine how lucky they are, even though they are a public company. Even during their supposedly not so busy season she works 8 to 10 hours a day. Then she comes home and after she spends family time, she will then work another two, three hours to past midnight and beyond if need be.
Family time—my wife was and has always been a great mother to our only child. She was a full time mom even when she was working. She also took the role of a part time dad when I couldn’t fulfill the position for one reason or another over the years. Like many moms and many single moms she negotiated her job, the house, our son’s school, his activities and all kinds of things in his life. The only thing was … she wasn’t a single mom. She also, {more than I would like to think} took care of a sick husband and at times a very sick husband.
Madelaine is a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend etc: Takes on all those roles with great pleasure and pride.
She rarely misses church on Sundays.
Then as a wife! Madelaine has taken her vows “through sickness and health, for better or worse, until death due you part”, very much to heart.
Here is a woman who at 23 married a guy who was heavy (450) yes, but he was mobile. He was working a great job. He took her on a 3 week honeymoon to Hawaii, California, and Vegas. Then we went back and forth to Vegas a few times in those beginning years. All kinds of vacation weekends, beautiful cars, a home, cleaning ladies. Madelaine was living large …then within 4 years the “Balloon” Burst. I lost the business; I was getting sicker, medical bills, surgeries, comas, hospitals, nurses, major wounds, 24 hour care. Now 30 years later and she still takes care of wound care she helps her husband all the time. She is there with him in the hospital, heart doctor appointments, through kidney failure and all kinds of scares.
She lives in fear of losing me but has she ever “Jumped ship” has she ever turned her back on me or any of her responsibilities or anyone? Never!
You have to see the joy she brings to her grandchildren and what she gets back in return. For them and her son and his family, she will do without so that they may have if need be.
Madelaine is greatness and not just because I love her.
She represents millions of un-sung heroes of the world.
People who help others and ask for nothing in return.
If it weren’t for a Madelaine there would be no Michael.
Remember none of us are an Island; none of us can really make it on our own.
We all need someone.
It may be a spouse, a friend, a church member, a special doctor, a neighbor or a family member.
We need someone to encourage us when we are doing well and to help pick us up when we are down.
Madelaine is and has been a friend for many. She is there for her family, her company, her friends and for sure her husband.
Madelaine is strong, she rarely asks for anything, and nearly never complains. She is a cancer survivor, those are special people right there!
I hope, pray and wish you all have a Madelaine in your lives!
God has put these Angels all around the planet to help people like you and me.
If you know one great, if you do not, they are out there.
Have a special day
Love
Mike
We all need to have someone (not necessarily a spouse) who can be there for us in some way. Who can support you through good times and some really horrible times?
I know this woman who on so many levels outshines, excels most of us…at least myself.
Madelaine is a business woman. Does she work from 9-5 then come home and leave her job behind her? Never! She gives so much time of herself to her career and the company she works for that they could never imagine how lucky they are, even though they are a public company. Even during their supposedly not so busy season she works 8 to 10 hours a day. Then she comes home and after she spends family time, she will then work another two, three hours to past midnight and beyond if need be.
Family time—my wife was and has always been a great mother to our only child. She was a full time mom even when she was working. She also took the role of a part time dad when I couldn’t fulfill the position for one reason or another over the years. Like many moms and many single moms she negotiated her job, the house, our son’s school, his activities and all kinds of things in his life. The only thing was … she wasn’t a single mom. She also, {more than I would like to think} took care of a sick husband and at times a very sick husband.
Madelaine is a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend etc: Takes on all those roles with great pleasure and pride.
She rarely misses church on Sundays.
Then as a wife! Madelaine has taken her vows “through sickness and health, for better or worse, until death due you part”, very much to heart.
Here is a woman who at 23 married a guy who was heavy (450) yes, but he was mobile. He was working a great job. He took her on a 3 week honeymoon to Hawaii, California, and Vegas. Then we went back and forth to Vegas a few times in those beginning years. All kinds of vacation weekends, beautiful cars, a home, cleaning ladies. Madelaine was living large …then within 4 years the “Balloon” Burst. I lost the business; I was getting sicker, medical bills, surgeries, comas, hospitals, nurses, major wounds, 24 hour care. Now 30 years later and she still takes care of wound care she helps her husband all the time. She is there with him in the hospital, heart doctor appointments, through kidney failure and all kinds of scares.
She lives in fear of losing me but has she ever “Jumped ship” has she ever turned her back on me or any of her responsibilities or anyone? Never!
You have to see the joy she brings to her grandchildren and what she gets back in return. For them and her son and his family, she will do without so that they may have if need be.
Madelaine is greatness and not just because I love her.
She represents millions of un-sung heroes of the world.
People who help others and ask for nothing in return.
If it weren’t for a Madelaine there would be no Michael.
Remember none of us are an Island; none of us can really make it on our own.
We all need someone.
It may be a spouse, a friend, a church member, a special doctor, a neighbor or a family member.
We need someone to encourage us when we are doing well and to help pick us up when we are down.
Madelaine is and has been a friend for many. She is there for her family, her company, her friends and for sure her husband.
Madelaine is strong, she rarely asks for anything, and nearly never complains. She is a cancer survivor, those are special people right there!
I hope, pray and wish you all have a Madelaine in your lives!
God has put these Angels all around the planet to help people like you and me.
If you know one great, if you do not, they are out there.
Have a special day
Love
Mike
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
My Heart Cries Out to Be Free
My heart cries out to be free….once and for all! I have struggled with my disease for over fifty years. I have had to live with humiliation, abuse, failure, depression and that is only what I have done to myself. I have had to see the let down in the faces and voices of people who mean the most to me in the whole world. Worse I have had to see the frustration and fear in their eyes and hearts too. I am so tired of hurting and letting people down around me and I have been doing this for a long period of time already.
Time and time again I give the people around me a moment in their lives when they can take a deep breath and feel kind of secure that the worse is behind them and that they can enjoy life with me…and then…..fasten your seat belts here we go again, “he has screwed up one more time. Once again he has gone too far maybe to a point of no return and yet we have to watch it all over again and suffer the fear, pain and anxiety of it all”.
I truly get it and I realize that it cannot be an easy thing for those around someone like me. Those who love me and have stood by me through “thick and thin”. It cannot be easy for them. I know it is not easy for me to watch them, watch me. Yet what are their options? What would I do if I were in their shoes? One thing for sure is, I would not, I could not, abandon them, I could not turn my back, and I could not stop loving them. Could I do as they show on television…an “Intervention”? Then what, send a “food addict” to detox for 30 days and then live happily ever after? Well speaking from experience 30 days is not really enough….I’ve been there, done that.
I have fought and boy have I fought for many, many years always searching and trying new things, new ideas, and new gimmicks. I have traveled many a long dark lonely roads because of my disease. I have swum in many of mud filled puddles of tears along the way. Disappointment has become a familiar companion to me. Hopelessness has tried to take over my life! I won’t let that happen….no matter what!
I have had some very real successes over the years and some very real backslides but with each one I learn more and more about me, the “person”.
Each experience has taken its toll on my life, my health and my relationships. Yet I do grow from them all (and not in the physical sense, although that too happens sometimes).
Two of the biggest things I have learned about myself over the past few years, one being a physical thing and one is an emotional thing.
First the physical.
Food! What works for me best, when trying to eat healthy, when trying to exist with food on a regular everyday basis and not just dieting, or binging or starving but just being comfortable with food , my environment and my disease is my K.I.S.T. method. "Keep It Simple Today", this has worked for me for the longest period of time, with the most amount of results and the thing that I am most comfortable with. It allows me to lose weight but a normal pace and still be able to function in the world. This is what I have been able to live with. This is a program that works! It makes sense!
The second thing that I have learned about myself…
Is not such an easy thing to talk about or even admit, to myself or anyone else but I suffer from depression!
Not sure if it is a chemical thing or not. But it is real! In the past doctors have given me anti-depressants but always under the umbrella that it would help me with my appetite and they never worked in that department so they were stopped.
Yet I have learned that I suffer from depression. How did I learn this? Like I have learned so many other things about myself and that is through the “School of hard Knocks”.
I am a guy who has it all. I have a loving and supportive wife, a great and caring family and beautiful friends. I have had the pleasure of being a grandpa for almost 5 years and the privilege, of being a daddy for 33 years. I have been counted out health wise many times only to live to write this blog (thank God and the caregivers he has sent to me). As the world looks at my life they say I am a lucky guy and I so agree with them on that one. They also would say, “so what does he have to be depressed about?” I would tend to agree with them on that one too, except those are the people who do not understand depression.
Having something to be depressed about and being depressed is two completely different things.
There are times in my life when I have had things to be depressed over. A death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, sickness in the family or of one you adore. Financial situations, all kinds of reasons in one’s life can be a reason to get sad or depressed over…but then there is depression!
Depression is being depressed when there is no reason to be depressed.
When if you stop running for one second and let things catch up you will just cry and why? Do you need a reason? Not really!
Depression is being in a room full of people who love you and being so lonely. Depression is long, very long nights and lonely, dark, cold bitter nights and that could be in the summer.
Then it becomes a cycle, yes the “vicious” cycle. The last thing I want to do when I am depressed is K.I.S.T.
No, when I am depressed all I want to do is eat something fast, of quantity and that will comfort me and make the pain of loneliness go away, the feeling of emptiness…if even for an un-logical moment in time. Does it really work? Not really! We know that in our common sense but at that time we are not dealing with common thoughts and we are we really only fooling but ourselves.
I would love to be free of it all.
Someone just recently asked me a question, which I didn’t hesitate one second to answer.
The question was “do you want to die”? Not for one second is that ever a thought in my mind.
All I want to do is to survive; all I want to do is live. I love life, my whole struggle is about survival and making it work. I thrive myself in seeing that glass as half full.
I have believed now and have always believed that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in many tunnels in my day and I am happy to report that there has been light at the end of each and every one of them.
My journey has not to say the least been an easy one. Not for me and certainly not for those who love me. Do I mean to bring hurt or pain to anyone? Not in a heartbeat but do I anyway? Yeah, I do!
I cannot make empty promises to them or to myself. What I can do is continue to fight and fight hard. Continue to learn about myself, not hide in my shame and pain. Open myself up as I find out more about me. Give myself time to heal. Be patient with myself. Love myself and be able to forgive myself.
I am not the worse person in the world and neither are you! The best things about me are the worse things about me and from there I grow.
I feel this way; perfect is not a way to describe me. Basically I am a good person, a person who loves and loves to be loved. I have problems and I will work the rest of my life making my life work. I deserve that effort and so do you. We all do!
We have this gift and sometimes a gift comes with instructions and sometimes it does not. My life did not come with instructions therefore I have to work at it the best way I know how and sometimes I am going to make mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and as long as we have the time to make corrections then what else can we do?
Depression is no joke and if anyone out there is reading this and suffers from depression and is not able to get hold of it themselves, then please for me, for your loved ones and most of all for yourself seek professional help. You are worth it! We all are.
My heart cries out to be free! Free of the pain, the struggle, the loneliness, and the darkness…Free….my heart cries to be free. My spirit thrives to win and win it will be! I have made it this far and I refuse to ever give up.
I am a fighter and like a good fighter I may get knocked down once in awhile but before the count of ten I brush myself off get back up on my feet and get back in the fight. I see the light and not the eternal-spiritual light- no I see the light of hope and the light of life itself!
My name is Mike and I am a man who loves life, loves his family and friends and I am a winner!
I am a fighter and I will never give up! Oh yes and there are times that I suffer from depression…
Be all of who you are, own up to it and move forward from there…and now have a great day….you deserve it!
Love ya
Mike
Time and time again I give the people around me a moment in their lives when they can take a deep breath and feel kind of secure that the worse is behind them and that they can enjoy life with me…and then…..fasten your seat belts here we go again, “he has screwed up one more time. Once again he has gone too far maybe to a point of no return and yet we have to watch it all over again and suffer the fear, pain and anxiety of it all”.
I truly get it and I realize that it cannot be an easy thing for those around someone like me. Those who love me and have stood by me through “thick and thin”. It cannot be easy for them. I know it is not easy for me to watch them, watch me. Yet what are their options? What would I do if I were in their shoes? One thing for sure is, I would not, I could not, abandon them, I could not turn my back, and I could not stop loving them. Could I do as they show on television…an “Intervention”? Then what, send a “food addict” to detox for 30 days and then live happily ever after? Well speaking from experience 30 days is not really enough….I’ve been there, done that.
I have fought and boy have I fought for many, many years always searching and trying new things, new ideas, and new gimmicks. I have traveled many a long dark lonely roads because of my disease. I have swum in many of mud filled puddles of tears along the way. Disappointment has become a familiar companion to me. Hopelessness has tried to take over my life! I won’t let that happen….no matter what!
I have had some very real successes over the years and some very real backslides but with each one I learn more and more about me, the “person”.
Each experience has taken its toll on my life, my health and my relationships. Yet I do grow from them all (and not in the physical sense, although that too happens sometimes).
Two of the biggest things I have learned about myself over the past few years, one being a physical thing and one is an emotional thing.
First the physical.
Food! What works for me best, when trying to eat healthy, when trying to exist with food on a regular everyday basis and not just dieting, or binging or starving but just being comfortable with food , my environment and my disease is my K.I.S.T. method. "Keep It Simple Today", this has worked for me for the longest period of time, with the most amount of results and the thing that I am most comfortable with. It allows me to lose weight but a normal pace and still be able to function in the world. This is what I have been able to live with. This is a program that works! It makes sense!
The second thing that I have learned about myself…
Is not such an easy thing to talk about or even admit, to myself or anyone else but I suffer from depression!
Not sure if it is a chemical thing or not. But it is real! In the past doctors have given me anti-depressants but always under the umbrella that it would help me with my appetite and they never worked in that department so they were stopped.
Yet I have learned that I suffer from depression. How did I learn this? Like I have learned so many other things about myself and that is through the “School of hard Knocks”.
I am a guy who has it all. I have a loving and supportive wife, a great and caring family and beautiful friends. I have had the pleasure of being a grandpa for almost 5 years and the privilege, of being a daddy for 33 years. I have been counted out health wise many times only to live to write this blog (thank God and the caregivers he has sent to me). As the world looks at my life they say I am a lucky guy and I so agree with them on that one. They also would say, “so what does he have to be depressed about?” I would tend to agree with them on that one too, except those are the people who do not understand depression.
Having something to be depressed about and being depressed is two completely different things.
There are times in my life when I have had things to be depressed over. A death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, sickness in the family or of one you adore. Financial situations, all kinds of reasons in one’s life can be a reason to get sad or depressed over…but then there is depression!
Depression is being depressed when there is no reason to be depressed.
When if you stop running for one second and let things catch up you will just cry and why? Do you need a reason? Not really!
Depression is being in a room full of people who love you and being so lonely. Depression is long, very long nights and lonely, dark, cold bitter nights and that could be in the summer.
Then it becomes a cycle, yes the “vicious” cycle. The last thing I want to do when I am depressed is K.I.S.T.
No, when I am depressed all I want to do is eat something fast, of quantity and that will comfort me and make the pain of loneliness go away, the feeling of emptiness…if even for an un-logical moment in time. Does it really work? Not really! We know that in our common sense but at that time we are not dealing with common thoughts and we are we really only fooling but ourselves.
I would love to be free of it all.
Someone just recently asked me a question, which I didn’t hesitate one second to answer.
The question was “do you want to die”? Not for one second is that ever a thought in my mind.
All I want to do is to survive; all I want to do is live. I love life, my whole struggle is about survival and making it work. I thrive myself in seeing that glass as half full.
I have believed now and have always believed that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in many tunnels in my day and I am happy to report that there has been light at the end of each and every one of them.
My journey has not to say the least been an easy one. Not for me and certainly not for those who love me. Do I mean to bring hurt or pain to anyone? Not in a heartbeat but do I anyway? Yeah, I do!
I cannot make empty promises to them or to myself. What I can do is continue to fight and fight hard. Continue to learn about myself, not hide in my shame and pain. Open myself up as I find out more about me. Give myself time to heal. Be patient with myself. Love myself and be able to forgive myself.
I am not the worse person in the world and neither are you! The best things about me are the worse things about me and from there I grow.
I feel this way; perfect is not a way to describe me. Basically I am a good person, a person who loves and loves to be loved. I have problems and I will work the rest of my life making my life work. I deserve that effort and so do you. We all do!
We have this gift and sometimes a gift comes with instructions and sometimes it does not. My life did not come with instructions therefore I have to work at it the best way I know how and sometimes I am going to make mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and as long as we have the time to make corrections then what else can we do?
Depression is no joke and if anyone out there is reading this and suffers from depression and is not able to get hold of it themselves, then please for me, for your loved ones and most of all for yourself seek professional help. You are worth it! We all are.
My heart cries out to be free! Free of the pain, the struggle, the loneliness, and the darkness…Free….my heart cries to be free. My spirit thrives to win and win it will be! I have made it this far and I refuse to ever give up.
I am a fighter and like a good fighter I may get knocked down once in awhile but before the count of ten I brush myself off get back up on my feet and get back in the fight. I see the light and not the eternal-spiritual light- no I see the light of hope and the light of life itself!
My name is Mike and I am a man who loves life, loves his family and friends and I am a winner!
I am a fighter and I will never give up! Oh yes and there are times that I suffer from depression…
Be all of who you are, own up to it and move forward from there…and now have a great day….you deserve it!
Love ya
Mike
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