Friday, April 11, 2008

FEELINGS …Loneliness

Feelings, nothing more than feelings, trying to forget those feelings of …..! I love that song and I am one of those frustrated singers. Actually, I am a 55-year-old, American Idol reject. If I were on American Idol Randy would say, “You really have it man, but you are just off pitch. Then Paula would be next and say “Michael you’re beautiful man and you love to entertain but I have to agree (as always) with Randy, your pitch is off. Then Simon, he would sit back with his arm on the back of Paula’s chair and his words of wisdom would spurt out “YOU STINK”! That would be the end of my singing career. Yet it would not stop me from singing, as people who are close to me know I do. In spite of some opinions, I sing anyway.

Singing is not what I really want to deal with in this positing. Actually, for the next couple of postings I want to talk about feelings. Feelings are the key to our whole life. Our “ups and downs” our successes and the things that sometimes hold us back. All of it has to do with our feelings, and how we deal with them. Our feelings and how we deal with these feelings means the difference between night and day.

The feeling I want to talk about today is, one that almost embarrasses me. I will tell you why. I consider myself a very lucky man and for several reasons. One reason is that I have been blessed with a “soul mate” my wife, my son and now his wife and my beautifully handsome grandson. I also have some great family members who I love and who I know love me back. I have wonderful friends and we care for each other. “I have people”, through most of my life I have had people. I have this theory, you give, you get! I give of myself and I get so much more in return. Therefore, what am I embarrassed to talk about …..”Loneliness”.

Loneliness is the hardest feeling I believe I have to deal with. There are times that loneliness consumes me. It takes comes over me like a “black cloud” a dark blanket. It could happen when I am all alone or when I am in a room full of people. When it hits, it hits hard! It drains me, leaves me empty. I am not scared to be alone, at least not in the respect where I am afraid of something may happen. If anything “scares” me when this loneliness comes over, is myself.

I can be and in the past have been dangerous to myself. Sometimes this loneliness last for seconds and sometimes for months. All I know is when this emptiness, abandonees, “black hole”, comes over me there is not enough food in New York City to fill the void. I have done some terrible damage to myself in the past. Learning how to deal with it in other ways can be and is cathartic.

This feeling of loneliness is a rough one for me to handle. The other feelings I do a lot better with, I really do not “hate” anyone or anything. I dislike sometimes for a little while but not hate. I am not a negative person. I do not have anger in me (although my therapist thing I should have some anger).

One of the new ways of dealing with this loneliness feeling is trying to understand what it is about and where does it come from. Trying not to fill my face with food allows me to experience the feeling for what it is. I have to share with you, it can and does hurt! Dealing with this feeling of loneliness involves asking yourself, real hard true questions. Some of which you may not be ready for the answers. Often it involves “crying”, sometimes a lot of it, and why not if that is what comes up for someone then let it happen. The history of my loneliness is interesting and I guess it has to do with the old “childhood” thing. Everything is blamed on the “childhood”. I was an only child (as was millions of other people), and I spent a lot of time alone. The “Teddy Bears” and me. There were three of them and myself. The four of us played monopoly together (I never did, the Panda always did. He was a hard negotiator), and many other things, they were my best friends who I played with and shared my fears with (of which I had many as a little kid).

I had people around then but I was lonely I guess and much of that time was filled with food and snacks. Early bad habits that filled and emptiness and made me feel good for the moment. We know this does not work for us now. Still knowing and doing is the struggle of a lifetime, a “struggle for life”.

I cannot stop feeling lonely in my life at times. Even now at a time in my life when I am at the height of the “love” that flows through my daily life. I cannot stop feelings from coming up. None of us can stop feelings from happening. It is how we deal with the feelings that can change our lives. I for one am trying, trying very hard to do things differently.

I wish I would not feel so lonely, especially when I have so much in my life. I do not feel this way all the time but sometimes. The way I look at it, it could be worse. As long as I have breathe, as long as I can write about it, talk about it, as long as I try then I know I will not fail.

Right now I am not lonely, because I have you …… thanks

Good luck to you …

Feel… go with it, do not bury the feelings it with food!

Love
Mike

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Michael
You are an unreal person. You are actually so real, so giving of yourself. I read your blog on loneliness and so understand what you are saying. I also think it is amazing how you share and what you have to say. I for one look forward to the other postings on feelings. Michael although I know of what you are saying about loneliness and personally I go through much of the same. I want you to know there are so many of us out here with you and for you. You are never alone, and I know you know that,
Keep this blog going.
Much needed
Love
Mindi

Anonymous said...

DEAR MICHAEL.IT IS SO HARD FORME TO LET MYSELF GIVE YOU ADVICE BECAUSE OUR RELATIONSHIP STARTED YRS AGO AND YOU WERE MY TEACHER AND MENTOR FRIENDSHIP DEVELOPED BUT I ALWAYS FELT LIKE THE STUDENT. INSTEAD OF GOING ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MUCH I RELATE I WANT TO SHARE WHAT HAS HELPED ME.JUST LIKE YOU HAVE TO PLAN YOUR FOOD YOU HAVE TO PLAN YOUR ALONE TIME. I HAVE A LIST IN MY MIND OF AT LEAST 10 PROJECTS I CAN WORK ON WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO DO, DOES IT WORK ALWAYS? NO. DOES IT WORK SOMETIMES.. DEFINETLY. WHEN I FIRST HAD MY GASTRIC BYPASS AND I WAS STILL TO HEAVYTO GO OUT MUCH I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS S0 AT THE TIME MY MOM GOT ME TWO BIG HOOK RUGS TO DO TILL I BECAME MORE MOBILE,NOW I HAVE PRODJECTS LIKE WRITING ORGANIZING CATCHING UP ON E MAILS CALLS I NEED TO MAKE ETC.... I KEEP A CHECK LIST BECAUSE SEEING THE TASKS CROSSED OUT MAKES ME FEEL UNREAL!!!! I ALSO HAVE LEARNED TO ASK FOR COMPANY, ILL CALL A FRIEND AND SAY IM GONNA BE AT STARBUCKS FOR A FEW HOURS PLEASE COME JOIN ME IF YOU CAN I SAY I AM LONELY CAUSE I HAVE LEARNED YOU CAN SAY THAT TO A GOOD FRIEND, SOMETIMES I MISS BEING IN AN EATING DISORDER HOSPITAL BECAUSE I MISS THE 24 HOUR COMPANY BUT I DO NOT WANT TO GET FATTER SO I CAN GO BACK TO A HOSPITAL I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO WORK AROUND THE LONLINESS, I AM EVEN THINKING OF STARTING A SUPPORT GROUP ON A DAY I AM NORMALLY ALONE. YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT PERSON AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY KNOWING YOU....LOVE SASHA

Anonymous said...

Dear Mike
You have helped to realize that one of my problems is my own loneliness. Your sharing and being able to come read your blog and comments of others is very helpful. You are wise and I thank you
Deep regards
Sally

Anonymous said...

Dear Michael

Lonliness can happen because you are alone or it can happen when you are with loads of people. Lonliness happens to me at times because I allow myself to be pushed away from people and feelings and wind up being alone in my head with my negative being. I feel that I maybe like a Cybil because I have two, sometimes
three innner beings that can run me. I need to learn how to stay with the positive being and handle the negative being and the wishwashy being with positive thinking that will lead me to more opportunities in helping myself everyday. My friend when I can do this I will be stronger and healthier and I believe each of us needs to find that positive being so we are happier, being alone does nt always mean being lonely.

Chubby

Mike Hebranko said...

Hi Mindi
I expect to keep the blog going believe it or not It helps me a lot. One of the big pay offs is when I read a comment like yours where it help a little in your life.
Thank you for kind thoughts and I hope that you keep in touch.
Mindi I know appreciate you reminding me that I am not alone, I know that and am so grateful for that.
Peace be with you
Love
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike Hebranko said...

Dear Sasha
In life even the best of teachers would be lying if they didn't admit to learning from their students. We all learn from each other. Thank you for your method of fighting loneliness, I remember reading some of your thoughts in your great book that you wrote. By the way how about one of those hook rugs?
Seriously, we all need to find ways to fill in those voids, thoses lonely times. We must find ways other than feeding ourselves with un-programmed meals. In the past we turned to food and this just did not work in the long run for us.
I think some of your ideas are very good ones.
Talking to a loved one, calling some friends, or even working with support groups, are thiican work.
For many of us these are all new conceptons, and may take some time to work on.
Time and practice is what it will take but we have to work it out.

Well good luck to you, myself and all of our brothers and sisters who are out there daily fighting for their lives. Thanks Sash for sharing!

Bless us all

As Long as we have life there is hope...
Love
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...

Dear sweet Sally
I am glad I was able to help. I did get your email and I hope my private response helped also. Just remember Sally faith is important. You have to believe, that belief can be on many levels. God (or a superior bieng) being number one and then believing in yourself is also important.
Keep in touch Sally,
You can do it
Love and respect
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...

Hi Chubby
Your words are wise. I once read "that a million eyes lokking at me, and no one sees me". Loneliness I think has nothing to do with the number of people you might be around. It is something that rcomes from within. Your thoughts of negativeness I agree with thousand percent. Staying positive is the "Key to Life"!
Be well Chubby
Love Ya
Mike

Ps
As for your Sybil theory, I don't know who you are but if you are who I think you are, then there are more than 3 personalities. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Mike
Great blog, it helps. It is grat to get a guys view point. So many times we hear about woman and weight but the truth is us guys are in real need. We are a silent group who usually dose not talk much about it but the truth is it is klling us too. At least myself. I have to say I have followed your story for a long time and you have been a fighter. I have to take my hat off to you. I only wish I have half your fight. Well I will keep reading your blog site now that I have found it. Just maybe something will click for me. I hope so for my kids sake!
Thanks
Larry

Anonymous said...

LONELINESS IS A ROUGH THING TO HANDLE. I AM GLAD YOU ARE WILLING TO BRING IT TO THE SURFACE.

Anonymous said...

First off let me say i saw your pictures posted of you and Madelaine and cried becasue i miss you both tremendously.....and you look wonderful.....the shine in your eyes the smile...ok ok im biased lolol...
I deal with lonliness daily...even with people around i feel lonely...i have always been one to be lost in myself....and be lost in my thoughts...but as i get older the lonliness settles in....and its scary at times....one thing that has helped my lonliness at times is writing....i have so gotten into writing poetry..it is a way for me to express who i am what i am and what i believe.....
Well i will close this with a hugg and a kiss and lots of love always
Carol

Anonymous said...

Dear Friend of the obese,
Mike you are a friend of the obese and you have put yourself out into the public for years. You are very open and I thank you on behalf of all of us. I have read this blog for several months and this current post about loneliness has really hit home. Thank you personally you help me to face the truth about me.
Your friend in life
Sandy

Anonymous said...

Michael
I believe that loneliness is the root of many of our problems. Often we are not even aware of it. I think that you even talking about it helps I hope you but also it brings it to the surface. We need such openess. Much appreciated
Marie

Anonymous said...

Hi Michael
We have been in contact throough your email and I want to thank you for all your help. You have gotten me over some rough times. Thanks for this and all your blog postings and all that you do.
Your Friend
Cynthia

drziltox said...

there are plenty of times in my life that not only do I feel lonely, but directionless, the image in my mind is of being in a dwelling by a crossroad, with seagulls and swans as companions, and now lately a particular pigeon comes every morning to my balcony and checks out the oats that I had put in the vase of a plant that had died, and now this pigeon comes everymorning to hang out, but what I really wanted to say, is that I just made green beans in the micro as a snack, and after I had finished them, I used the broth for a bowl of chicken consome soup, yes I know this is starting to sound like a binge, but after the type of food that I had had delivered to me in the past six months, I am awed by the fact that I now have fresh green beans to cook as a snack, if you were raised on chefboyardee like I was, you'd understand my ephihany that I have discovered a great way of cooking beans for myself, just wanted to share that with you Mike, and with all the other bloggers.

Mike Hebranko said...

Dear Friend Larry
You have to make it for your kids sake and even more important for your sake. I find when we take care or ourselves our loved ones benefit from it. So Larry Hang in there, everyday is an opportunity to do something good for you. I thank you for sharing and keep in touch and I will keep my "Male" point of view. I like to think of it as a point of view as one who shares in the battle of all my "brothers and sisters"!
be well Larry
Love ya buddy
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...

My sweet Carol
I understand, often you can be around many people and still be lonely. A little un-asked for advice. It is good to sometimes be within yourself and your thoughts but don't hang out there to long. Get out of your head. Come out into the world. Often things are too heavy (pardon the pun) in our heads. Come out into the world and lighten up. Also share some of that poetry with us would love to read it. Email it to me.
Be Good, oh be a little bad (but not with food)
Love
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...

My dear friend Sandy
I am glad to help and you just remember to always take care of yourself. You are worth it .... all the time.
Love
Mike
PS
Got you email I hope my response helped

Mike Hebranko said...

Hi Marie
I believe our feelings (loneliness being one) is the root af many of our problems. How we deal with them directly has to do with our success. Marie let's keep in touch.
Good luck
Love
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...

Dear Cynthia
I will be there for you always in spirit, thought, and prayer.
Keep in touch
Love
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...

Dz
I am proud of those green beans. It is a big step and not an easy one. You who are a walker know that every trip starts with that first step.
You know I am so in your corner.
Give my regards to the birds.
Your friend, buddy and brother
Love
Mike