Sunday, October 14, 2007

I Can Be My Worse Enemy...

Oh my mind, what a mind! I really like myself and I would not trade myself with no one else. I like the way I reason things out, I love the way I love. I think I have a fairly, good outlook on life and I know I could hang out with a person like me. Yet sometimes when I allow my negative thoughts to get the best of me, it can be damaging. Let me share something with all of you.

I came home from Brookhaven (Rehab) the end of June and when I left, I weighed myself as we did each week. Two weeks later, I paid a visit back to Brookhaven and of course, I weighed myself and had lost a couple of pounds. That was good. Unfortunately, I have not been able to return to “My Brookhaven Family” since then. I have had all kinds of reasons and stupid little problems but one of them is I think in the back of my head I thought I might be gaining weight. Why? No logical reason for this thought pattern. No reason, except for my sick mind. You see when you are in Brookhaven (or at least when I am in Brookhaven) you eat three meals a day. Three meals that are planned for you, prepared for you and then served to you. If I ate between meals, it would be a piece of fruit or a cereal (portion-controlled cereal) that I would bum from someone and that would be it. Since I have been home, I have not binged. I have not eaten bread, or pastas, or pizza or a lot of meat. Rarely do I eat a slice of beef or pork, I have had no cold cuts or cheese. I eat many veggies and fruits, salads, some chicken and tuna fish packed in water. Yet I find myself picking sometimes on an extra cracker or pretzel or a 90-calorie, Quacker snack bar. My mind right away says that is cheating, you are doing the wrong thing, “bad Michael”! In the past, I would then turn around and punish myself by turning that snack into a 50-pound weight gain. I do not do that any more, at least not for now!

I fight my mind making me wrong and looking for the opportunity to turn a snack into a reason to binge. My mind wins sometimes, and how it did this time is by telling me I am gaining weight. Even though my clothes say I am not, my family says I am not. I am getting around more, and I dance with my grandson a little. We play hide and seek, of course, he hides in the same places all the time and I pretend not to see him, then he jumps out and scares me. Why do I still after all these years allow myself to listen sometimes to that voice that says to me “you are getting heavier, you are not doing well”!

Well let me share with you and the world that voice is a liar!!! I had to go to my Doctor’s office this past week and I with fear in my heart I knew I had to face the demons and get on that scale. Well I have lost 27 pounds since I have been home! Twenty-seven pounds, I am so pleased. It is not any world record and that is fine I have “been there, done that” before! It is coming off slowly but it is coming off! All I know is that with God’s help I will soon be out of the 400’s. The thought of me in the 300’s a number I have not seen for over 15 years.

We cannot let our negative thoughts rule us. We must push on, past those thoughts and reinforce the positive things we do for ourselves. We cannot let fear rule us. I knew I had to get on that scale and whatever the results would be I had to go on and fight. “Every day in every way, I am getting better and better” and this is what I have to live by! My program, my life is too important to be ruled by what the scale says. We know in our hearts what we are doing, I have to allow my heart help me more and for my mind to but out sometimes.

Good luck my friends and never give up!

With love and respect



Anonymous said...

Dear Mike
I love your blog and I love you for sharing your life with all of us. You have been an inspiration to me for many years. I see you fighting and to keep going on and it gives me the strength to go on too. I have been through some difficult times and your story stays in my mind and helps me a lot. Thank you from myself and countless others.
Your friend

Richard said...

Michael, it is great to hear that your life is once again moving forward. "Life is a banqhet yet and too many people out there are starving to death." Remeber to love, love and laugh.

Richard (Your Fav Atty)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mike,

Can't get used to that - you'll always be Michael John to me (and the rest of the "family").

It's been a long time since we've all been together but you're never out of my thoughts. I'm very proud of you for hanging in there. You've always been a source of strength for me - someone I could tell anything to and not be judged but encouraged. We found laughter in our misery and how we did laugh.

Remember teaching my sister to drive in Riis Park and getting pulled over by the cops? How scared we all were - and yet only God knew what he had in store for us that would make that look like a walk in the park (lol).

Speaking of which, God has kept a special spot for you in his prayers because you still have options and you've been rewarded with the greatest gift of all - a grandchild. Keep your faith and you'll achieve anything you make your mind up to do.

54 years old and counting,

Love you always,

Mike Hebranko said...

Hey Richard
It is great to hear from you. Email me so we can exchange phone numbers. I appreciate your response but I have to tell you Richard, that even at what seemed to be my darkest times I always felt my life was moving forward. At times slowly but always forward. I knew that if I didn't move forward I would stop all together and that was not an option. Yes you are right life is a great and each have so much to live for ans so many reasons to go on. Sometimes they may not be as clear to us as other times but give it a chance.
Well Richard you be well, we think about you all the time, especially Christmas eve.
Your forever friend

Mike Hebranko said...

My Nancy
Oh how I remember that night, and how you and our friend laughed at me because I was so scared getting out of the car and walking around to the police officer, throwing myself at his mercy. Nan we had great times and yes a lot of tears and now they seem so silly but at the time they were important. Remember "I started a joke", or the Rosary's,Pyscho, your basement, and your dad man what a guy. We couldn't be where we are today if we didn't go through all that.
Nancy you are so right about my relationship with God. I have been very blessed and my relationship with God is a special one. I never forget that. Yes me as a grandpa (ga ga) Nancy what a gift, a miracle. When I hold my baby in my arms and he looks at me, I am dwafted by the english language because I do not know the words to use to exspress my feelings.
Anyway it is great to hear from you. itwas great to speak with mom recently, you keep in touch, I hope things are going well for you. Nancy you have always been a strong person and speaking of God, God does not give us what we can not handle. Just that we have made it this far says a lot.
So Nan, be strong, don't ever lose your smile and to you I will always be Michael John
love you

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