Friday, December 21, 2007

MERRY CHRISTMAS... MOMMY & DADDY

The holiday season is a time for an explosion of emotions and feelings. There is the obvious and that is joy and happiness but then there are the feelings and emotions that many of us are either afraid to talk about or ashamed to talk about. These are the feelings of sadness, emptiness, and loneliness. The feelings you get when you miss someone(s) and you cannot just pick up a phone and call him or her. In my case around the holiday season (just a little more than other times) I seem to miss my mommy and daddy. Let us face it, it hurts.

I can smell the freshness of the real Christmas tree in our small apartment and picture the same decorations placed in the same places year after year. I can hear my mom on the phone to my father, telling him to stop at the grocery store and to pick up something she ran short of for her cooking and baking. In my home (when I was single), the holiday ran for the whole week long. There was different guest every night and a spread put out on the table, fit for a king. My mom cooked and baked for a whole week before the holiday, in anticipation for these galas. Friends and relatives could not wait for her specialties that she would cook traditionally at this time of the year. I remember that we lived in a very small apartment and my dad built her a steel box to put out on to the fire escape so she could use it to store her food, there was so much of it. This was the spare refrigerator (our fire escape). Every day different smells and aromas would mesmerize you coming from her kitchen. Dinners the week before the holiday were a little skimpy because mom would always say, “I had no time to make anything to extravagant for supper, tonight”. Yet it all seemed okay because we knew the payoff was next week. Yes there we go with the payoff (rewards) being food and cooking but what the heck it was the holidays. I am sure many bad habits of mine were established during those years but that is not what I am writing about today. I am writing about mommy and daddy.

I wish my mom were around to see my son (she missed him by a couple of months) she would have been a very proud “nana”. Her son’s son, her chest would have stuck out at least a yard with pride. It angers me sometimes, that she never got to hold my son, never got to see him laugh or smile. My son had a great personality as a little boy, everyone loved Mikey and why not he was and still is a great person! My dad did get to know him some what.

Yet neither one of them got to experience the “piece de resistance” and that is my grandson. Oh, man he makes every battle, every hurdle, and every step I take worth it all. Just the pleasure to hear his little voice call me Ga-ga. I wish my mommy and daddy could hear that. Is that selfish? It might be, some people may say, but I do not care! I wish they were here to share this joy in my life, to see that I am happy, their little (maybe not so little) boy has truly found the meaning of happiness. It is not in things that you can buy or own. Happiness can be measure by how much you are loved by others. My mother and father’s only child is truly happy. I am loved by my wife (and friend) of over 30 years. I am loved by my son and his wife, my family and friends and now by my special little ga-ga (my grandson). I have happiness and I would like my mommy and daddy to see this, especially now around the holiday season.

Well with technology the way it is going, maybe next year I can pick up my cell phone and dial 1-800- 4HEAVEN and ask to speak with Jeanette and Mike (my mom and dad). I miss you guys, I love you, have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, do not fight and remember I have found true happiness!

Love your baby
Michael

Ps

And to all of you my friends all the best for a holiday season and healthy New Year

Love
Mike

13 comments:

Yanna said...

Dear Michael...
It's been a long time sweetie... I read "Merry Christmas... Mommy & Daddy" and wanted you to know that many of your thoughts are mine too... My Daddy went to heaven this passed Sept. 10th and I miss him more than I have every missed anyone or anything... Thanksgiving was hard without him but Christmas will be the hardest of all time... I bet my Daddy butt-bumped your Mommy out of Heaven's Kitchen and is telling her "Eh, Lissen-a me, I'mm-a gonna cook-a ov-a here, you go sit down-a and pour-a da wine-a" haha! I love ya kiddo! I'm so happy to see you still reaching out doing what you do best, helping others as you help yourself :) Stay in touch! Kisses to your family & Merry Christmas! May God Bless you & yours with all of His greatest gifts in life: Joy, Peace, Health & Most of All... Much Love!
Love & Hugs!
Diana (and Brian too)

Mike Hebranko said...

Hey Diana My sweetie
I can not tell you how great it is to hear from you. I am so sorry about your loss this past year and I can see him and my mom fighting over who is going to make the sauce. They will figure it out because where they are ther is no conflict. Anyway I would love to speak to you contact me at my email address michaelhebranko@yahoo.com. How is Brian that little gift from God! Well Ms. Diana you be well and try to have as happy a holiday as possible. You know dad would want you to!
Take care
Love
Mike

Carol said...

Dear Michael

I read this blog with tears in my eyes...first off they would be very proud of Mikey as he has become a wonderful man and was a wonderful child...I cant believe i have known him since he was a child....And am so glad you have found that inner peace in you and are happy and truly happy....your words amaze me and your strength... love you always Carol

Anonymous said...

MY GOD MICHAEL, I FEEL THE SAME WAY, A FULL HOUSE FULL LIFE YET ALONE I MISS MY MOM AND DAD SO I TOO WISH I COULD CALL THEM, WE WERE BLESSED WITH OUR MEMORIES, MOST GREAT AND A FEW WELL JUST A FEW MENCE A MENCEA.
LOVE RO

Mike Hebranko said...

Dear Carol
It has been a long time and you and I have seen a lot. I know that you too search for a certain kind of peace and as I have told you many times "never give up" but also remember don't search to far and to hard because sometimes, just sometimes that which we search for is closer than we thnik!
Love ya
Mike

Mike Hebranko said...

These are a few excerpts from emails that I have received based on this posting. I am not giving names without permission and they are just bits of whole emails. I thought sharing them might help some of us just knowing how others feel
**********
...not strange at all......they are all watching over us....

..I found your blog fascinating. The past comes back to us at various times--always strong, though....
...Thanks for sharing I just lost my mom in April and I am not sure I can make it, but this helps ...
...we don't know what we have until it is gone...
...We never escape it, do we?..
... my mom and dad are spending it with your's , I'm sure of that...
...Oh if we only knew when they were here...
... I thought I was the only crazy one, I guess I am not so crazy. Thanks Mike...
...I think my grandma is with your mom today..
...God bless them, all of them..
*********

Just a few thoughts
Love to all
Mike

Yanna said...

Dear Mike & all out there in the "blogland"...

I really appreciated the posting of those email blurbs so much! Thank you for that! Reading those actually made me feel better! All those out there who are feeling these emotions & thinking these thoughts please know I feel for you too. But one thing I know, when I read "I am not sure I can make it, but this helps" THOSE few simple words were STRONG enough to make me shake my head & think what my Daddy would say to me! What he would do is sit me down & talk to me in his broken english & Itlaian accent explaining that he also lost his parents, one-at-a-time, and thought maybe that was too hard for him too. But then he'd go on to tell me how he had 7 children & a wife & had to make it through because he loved them too! And you know what folks? He not only made it, but did one heck-ov-a job too! So much so that he seems to be everywhere! Although he's gone from this world his job doesn't seem to be done... he's still finding ways to smack me in the back of the head and say, "Snap Out Of It!" haha! Well, OK then! I have to make it cause I got lot's of others I love too and that love me! I got work to do! We ALL do! So let's do it!

Baci a tutti (kisses to all)!
Buon anno 2008! (happy new 2008!)
Diana

Anonymous said...

DEAR MICHEAL,

I JUST READ YOUR ARTICLE AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU A STORY.

THIS HAPPEN ON NOVEMBER 18 2006. MY WEDDING DAY. EVERYBODY TELLS YOU THAT YOUR WEDDING DAY IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE BUT FOR ME IT WAS A SAD AND UPSETING DAY WELL FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I NEVER TOLD FRANK THIS (BUT HE WILL KNOW AFTER HE READS THIS). IT STARTED WHEN I WOKE UP THAT MORNING REALIZING THAT IT WAS MY SPECIAL DAY AND WENT THOUGH WHAT EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN AND ALL THE GUESTS THAT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THERE. THEN IT HIT ME ONE PERSON WILL NOT BE THERE AND THAT WAS MOM. SO I GOT UP, TOOK MY SHOWER, GOT DRESS AND LEFT TO GET MY HAIR DONE. WHILE I WAS IN THE HAIR SALON MON CAME TO MIND AND A FEELING OF SADDEST CAME OVER ME . I PUSH IT AWAY AND FOCUS ON MY HAIR GETTING DONE. WHEN IT WAS DONE AND LEFT THE SALON AND BEGAN WALKING HOME MOM CAME TO MIND AGAIN BUT THEN I FELT VERY ANGRY AND CHEATED THAT SHE WON'T BE THERE TO SEE ME MARRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. SHE WON'T BE THERE WHEN I HAD MY FIRST CHILD. HERE I WAS MY HAIR DONE SO BEAUTIFULLY MY VEIL ON AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT HOW MY MOMMY LEAVING ME. IT WASN'T FAIR I KEPT SAYING TEARS FALLING DOWN ON MY FACE. AND FOR A MOMENT THERE I HATED HER!!! I MADE IT HOME TO MY SISTERS, NIECES, NEPHEW, BROTHERS AND BROTHER SIN LAW ALL READY TO MAKE ME A BRIDE. SO FOR THE NEXT HOUR I PUT ON MY MAKE UP AND PUT ON MY BEAUTIFUL DRESS STILL FEELING ANGRY AND SAD. PICTURE WAS TAKING I WAS FORCING SMILES EVERYTIME. THEN IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE AND ALL THE WHILE I SAT THERE THINKING ABOUT MOM AND HOW SHE LEFT ME. THE ANGER HIT ME FULL TIME WHEN WE REACH BROOKHAEN AND I REALIZE THAT HERE WAS HER LAST PLACE THAT SHE LIVED AND I WAS GETTING MARRY THERE. I WAS READY TO FALL APART BUT KEEP IT ALL INSIDE. SO FINALLY AFTER WENT UPSTAIRS AND INTO YOUR ROOM I TOLD MYSELF TO CALM DOWN. THAT MOM LEAVING ME AND NOT BEING THERE WASN'T HER FAULT. BECAUSE ALL THE PAIN SHE WENT THOUGH IN HER LAST DAYS BEING IN HEAVEN WHERE SHE HAD TO BE. AND EVEN THOUGH SHE WASN'T IN THERE IN BODY SHE WAS IN MY HEART. SO I BOW MY HEAD AND ASK MOM FOR FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SO SELFISH THAT DAY. THAT I LOVE HER AND SOMETIMES I JUST MISS HER SO MUCH IT MAKE ME CRAZY. A SENSE OF PEACE CAME OVER ME AND I KNOW SHE HAD FORGIVEN ME AND I WENT TO ENJOY MY SPECIAL DAY.

WHEN I READ YOUR ARTICLE THIS CANE ALL BACK TO ME..YOU ARE RIGHT WHEN IT THE HOLIDAYS AND THOSE SPECIAL OCCASIONS YOU DO MISS THEM VERY MUCH. BUT MIKE YOU ARE A SPECIAL PERSON TO ALL OF US AND YOUR PARENTS WOULD BE PROUND OF YOU FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU WENT THOUGH AND STILL GOING THOUGHT. YOU TAKE EVERY DAY ONE AT A TIME. AND YOU DO IT WITH LOVE, CARING AND JUST BEING YOU. YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY TO KEEP YOU GOING AND OF COURSE YOUR GRANDSON. WHO POBABLY THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL AND LOVES YOU A WHOLE LOT LIKE WE ALL DO!!!!!


LOVE BERNADETTE

Yanna said...

Hello out there to all in blogland...

After reading Bernadette's blog entry I didn't find that she was acting selfish like she thought, the way I see it is that she was just expressing part of the grieving one goes through. I think that by allowing herself to go through all those emotions and feelings is what brought her through to the point of being able to allow herself to have and enjoy that special day... If she had changed one thing she may not have experienced that day the same at all... I personally am one who believes in not "fighting back the tears" so-to-speak because they do bring relief. Too many emotions and phases surface when grieving over the loss of someone they love... sadness, hurt, anger, fear, anxieties, guilt, denial, shock, depression, longing, etc... Oh gosh, there are just so many... People go through most of them in no same or particular order, some people experience more of them than others, some more intensely than others... There's no wrong or right way for this but one thing I'm learning is that a person shouldn't avoid what they're feeling and must allow themselves to go through it in order to get through it, then passed it... It's so hard to lose a loved one and then try to come to terms with each emotion as it is, let alone when a person is an emotional eater such as myself... and that just adds to an already difficult situation... But much to my surprise, since last September when my Daddy passed away, I've been winning the emotional eating battle, so far... I've been refusing to use food to resolve my grief or try to help me cope with my loss because I realize now that in doing that it would just promote my vulnerabilities and it will not help me adapt to my loss at all... I've been trying to pay extra attention to taking better care of myself, eat well-balanced meals, rest, and realize that some days are going to be harder than others but to be patient with myself and know there is always hope as long as I let hope exist... I still come across days where I want to kick and scream my way towards the refrigerator, but so far so good... the fridge hasn't been tilted yet! Some how I MUST get through this! I need to learn how to transfer the caregiving I've given others to myself now. THAT'S a tough one!

Ciao for now!
Hugs, smooches and Happy 2008 to all!
...Diana

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