Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Heart Cries Out to Be Free

My heart cries out to be free….once and for all! I have struggled with my disease for over fifty years. I have had to live with humiliation, abuse, failure, depression and that is only what I have done to myself. I have had to see the let down in the faces and voices of people who mean the most to me in the whole world. Worse I have had to see the frustration and fear in their eyes and hearts too. I am so tired of hurting and letting people down around me and I have been doing this for a long period of time already.

Time and time again I give the people around me a moment in their lives when they can take a deep breath and feel kind of secure that the worse is behind them and that they can enjoy life with me…and then…..fasten your seat belts here we go again, “he has screwed up one more time. Once again he has gone too far maybe to a point of no return and yet we have to watch it all over again and suffer the fear, pain and anxiety of it all”.

I truly get it and I realize that it cannot be an easy thing for those around someone like me. Those who love me and have stood by me through “thick and thin”. It cannot be easy for them. I know it is not easy for me to watch them, watch me. Yet what are their options? What would I do if I were in their shoes? One thing for sure is, I would not, I could not, abandon them, I could not turn my back, and I could not stop loving them. Could I do as they show on television…an “Intervention”? Then what, send a “food addict” to detox for 30 days and then live happily ever after? Well speaking from experience 30 days is not really enough….I’ve been there, done that.

I have fought and boy have I fought for many, many years always searching and trying new things, new ideas, and new gimmicks. I have traveled many a long dark lonely roads because of my disease. I have swum in many of mud filled puddles of tears along the way. Disappointment has become a familiar companion to me. Hopelessness has tried to take over my life! I won’t let that happen….no matter what!

I have had some very real successes over the years and some very real backslides but with each one I learn more and more about me, the “person”.

Each experience has taken its toll on my life, my health and my relationships. Yet I do grow from them all (and not in the physical sense, although that too happens sometimes).

Two of the biggest things I have learned about myself over the past few years, one being a physical thing and one is an emotional thing.
First the physical.

Food! What works for me best, when trying to eat healthy, when trying to exist with food on a regular everyday basis and not just dieting, or binging or starving but just being comfortable with food , my environment and my disease is my K.I.S.T. method. "Keep It Simple Today", this has worked for me for the longest period of time, with the most amount of results and the thing that I am most comfortable with. It allows me to lose weight but a normal pace and still be able to function in the world. This is what I have been able to live with. This is a program that works! It makes sense!

The second thing that I have learned about myself…

Is not such an easy thing to talk about or even admit, to myself or anyone else but I suffer from depression!

Not sure if it is a chemical thing or not. But it is real! In the past doctors have given me anti-depressants but always under the umbrella that it would help me with my appetite and they never worked in that department so they were stopped.

Yet I have learned that I suffer from depression. How did I learn this? Like I have learned so many other things about myself and that is through the “School of hard Knocks”.

I am a guy who has it all. I have a loving and supportive wife, a great and caring family and beautiful friends. I have had the pleasure of being a grandpa for almost 5 years and the privilege, of being a daddy for 33 years. I have been counted out health wise many times only to live to write this blog (thank God and the caregivers he has sent to me). As the world looks at my life they say I am a lucky guy and I so agree with them on that one. They also would say, “so what does he have to be depressed about?” I would tend to agree with them on that one too, except those are the people who do not understand depression.

Having something to be depressed about and being depressed is two completely different things.

There are times in my life when I have had things to be depressed over. A death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, sickness in the family or of one you adore. Financial situations, all kinds of reasons in one’s life can be a reason to get sad or depressed over…but then there is depression!

Depression is being depressed when there is no reason to be depressed.

When if you stop running for one second and let things catch up you will just cry and why? Do you need a reason? Not really!

Depression is being in a room full of people who love you and being so lonely. Depression is long, very long nights and lonely, dark, cold bitter nights and that could be in the summer.

Then it becomes a cycle, yes the “vicious” cycle. The last thing I want to do when I am depressed is K.I.S.T.

No, when I am depressed all I want to do is eat something fast, of quantity and that will comfort me and make the pain of loneliness go away, the feeling of emptiness…if even for an un-logical moment in time. Does it really work? Not really! We know that in our common sense but at that time we are not dealing with common thoughts and we are we really only fooling but ourselves.

I would love to be free of it all.

Someone just recently asked me a question, which I didn’t hesitate one second to answer.

The question was “do you want to die”? Not for one second is that ever a thought in my mind.

All I want to do is to survive; all I want to do is live. I love life, my whole struggle is about survival and making it work. I thrive myself in seeing that glass as half full.

I have believed now and have always believed that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in many tunnels in my day and I am happy to report that there has been light at the end of each and every one of them.

My journey has not to say the least been an easy one. Not for me and certainly not for those who love me. Do I mean to bring hurt or pain to anyone? Not in a heartbeat but do I anyway? Yeah, I do!

I cannot make empty promises to them or to myself. What I can do is continue to fight and fight hard. Continue to learn about myself, not hide in my shame and pain. Open myself up as I find out more about me. Give myself time to heal. Be patient with myself. Love myself and be able to forgive myself.

I am not the worse person in the world and neither are you! The best things about me are the worse things about me and from there I grow.

I feel this way; perfect is not a way to describe me. Basically I am a good person, a person who loves and loves to be loved. I have problems and I will work the rest of my life making my life work. I deserve that effort and so do you. We all do!

We have this gift and sometimes a gift comes with instructions and sometimes it does not. My life did not come with instructions therefore I have to work at it the best way I know how and sometimes I am going to make mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and as long as we have the time to make corrections then what else can we do?

Depression is no joke and if anyone out there is reading this and suffers from depression and is not able to get hold of it themselves, then please for me, for your loved ones and most of all for yourself seek professional help. You are worth it! We all are.

My heart cries out to be free! Free of the pain, the struggle, the loneliness, and the darkness…Free….my heart cries to be free. My spirit thrives to win and win it will be! I have made it this far and I refuse to ever give up.

I am a fighter and like a good fighter I may get knocked down once in awhile but before the count of ten I brush myself off get back up on my feet and get back in the fight. I see the light and not the eternal-spiritual light- no I see the light of hope and the light of life itself!

My name is Mike and I am a man who loves life, loves his family and friends and I am a winner!

I am a fighter and I will never give up! Oh yes and there are times that I suffer from depression…

Be all of who you are, own up to it and move forward from there…and now have a great day….you deserve it!

Love ya
Mike

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

Michael
OMG you are so real that you are unreal. God bless you for what you do for others. Thank you so much for sharing such feelings with us. I too suffer from depression and I know that I am not alone.
Wlliam T

Anonymous said...

Ya know Mike 20 something years later and you are still in my life .. and you still tend to amaze me ....First off never would i ever think of abandoning you through good or bad... You have been there for me now its time for us to be there for you....Yes i know what depression is ... but i also know Michael the fighter.. the one with so much courage annd strength..which such determination you have amazed the medical field...but you are human.... you bleed when cut.. you cry .. you feel ... so ya know what its ok to have bad times...its ok to be human...and ya know what you are not NOT alone in this batttle....You have an amazing family .. a wife who has such strength it is unbelievable... a son who adores you.. and two grandkids whow you are the world to them and friends who love you very much....and i wont say i know how you feel or what you feel or if i even fully understand.. but just remember your not in this fight alone....
Ok im gonna stop now before people get bored reading .... i love ya Mike and i miss you damn sound on my comp i miss talking to you but i will get it fixed

Love you
Carol

Anonymous said...

Man oh man this must have been very hard for you to write and live. I am sorry that you can see through me. It just hurts me so bad to see you suffer. One thing is for sure you are a winner and my hero. Please share with me your thoughts fears and regrets so we both can win. Our 35th is coming up and we need a trip.
Always remember we are a team and together we are strong there is no hill or mountain we cant climb cause we got each other. Put depression back in your closet and lets go to the dance. luv ya boot

Anonymous said...

Dear M
OMG! Love this blog! You have such insite, but I knew that already. M you are such a wonderful person, we all know that, what is in your heart is more important then anything else, you love yourself, so we are able to love you easily. When we are depressed we are in our own little world, when we let people in (sometimes very hard to do) we open up our chance to be happy. What insite you have, thank you for opening up your heart & letting us in, you have taught me something today, NEVER GIVE UP!
You are the best!

Anonymous said...

Dear Michael
I think this is thebest blog you have ever written, it is the best I have ever read anywhere. You have helped me so much today to be able to tap into my own heart. I think that you are a special person who has been sent to us with a mission. Thanks for the help and insight
Rita Z

Anonymous said...

Michael
I have suffered from depression for longer than I care to think about. that you are brave enough to talk about it in public gives me hope. I am so ashamec of my state of being, I hide my life away and no one knows the real me. You give me power to maybe talk about it, if even with you and your blog. My name is Natalie and I am a lot of great things oh yes and I get depressed too.
Love you Michael
Natalie S

Anonymous said...

I have never seen a person so open and honest and helful too as you. Thank you Mihcael for the sharing you do and the help you give to me and so many.
I.W.

Anonymous said...

This blog made me cry my heart out and I needed that

Anonymous said...

Dear Michael
From time to time I have come to this blog and the words you have written have touched me and have gotten me to re-think my life. Yet the other day when I read this current blof I could not stop crying for almost two days. I am depressed and you have helped me to admit it. I went to my doctor on Friday and he has given me the number of a psychiatrist. You have saved me. God bless you and thank you
My name is Cora
Cora T
I just cant leave my whole last name I am afraid but again thank you

Anonymous said...

Michael, I think this is your most well-written post. How cathartic it must have been to write this and share it with your readers. I suffer from depression as well and understand how it can hold you under water when all you want to do is breathe.

You are a hugely positive influence to anyone who reads this blog. Thanks for being here and being you- you are appreciated and valued and respected here.

Maryleigh in CT

Kathy said...

I want to add to the others who have told you this blog took a lot of courage. I think it is helpful for us to "tell" on ourselves at times. I have gotten better by looking at my actions and the consequences they have caused. Depression, isolation, denial are all part of this disorder. Like you said, you have struggled with this your whole life. There certainly is nothing I can tell you that you don't already know. Except to say to you that people really do care about you. Regardless if we've ever met you or really know you, we relate to you because of who you are, your personality and your soul. I don't know what led someone to ask you if you wanted to die, but I do know that you have a strength in you that is as deep as the earth itself. Tap into that strength. You know the drill, buddy. One day at a time.

Anonymous said...

This should be a major blog for people to visit. Overweight or not. Anyone who wants to see people helping each other and sharing love with each other. Then to read what Mike shares and and writes is the cherry on the sundae. What a growing place a loving place a learning place
Thank you Mike, and all of you who share here too. You keep me going
Rudy

Anonymous said...

I read this blog this morning and it brought me to tears. I have seen Michael on Television for years and read about him and never new he suffered so much but what made me cry the hardest was he was writting about me in this blog. I am going to get help. Thank you Mike and to all his friends
Harold from Ohio

Anonymous said...

Mike
This has been the most touching writning I have ever read of yours. You are an amamzing guy who loves life and wants to help yourself as well as others. Your willingness to grow as an individual is an inspiring sight to see. It takes a real "man" and hero to be able to talk so openly. Thank you for sharing and helping me to be a better human being.
Thomas Dolan

Anonymous said...

DEAR MICHAEL
I OWE YOU BIG TIME. I HAVE BEEN AT MY EDGE AND YOU SHARING WITH ME HAS OPENED MY EYES. I AM GETTING HELP.
THANK YOU
KAREN B

Anonymous said...

Hi Michael
I have been reading this blog for a while this particular one has really touched me in such a way that I can not stop crying. You are so beautiful. A Blessed person and so helpful
Bernie G

Anonymous said...

Dear Michael
I have been a follower oof yours for years now. I have seen you face many battles and always witha positive outlook. Your ability not to quit is inspirational. You not only give me the ability to set goals and reset them in need be but I know of other people who also have been helped by your energy. Thank you and please dont lose your courage.
Jeni

Anonymous said...

Love reading your thoughts for the day. They have so much meaning, where do they come from?

Anonymous said...

Hi Michael
I came here today and God must have sent me. Thank you for sharing and being so honest and brave
Roberta Goldings

Ida Roth said...

I am a depressed person and have suffered from depression for mooe years than I want to admit. I have been a follower of Michaels for years and am suprised to hear he too has been depressed. It inspires me that he can deal with it and live with it and not give up. He is a leader in so many ways.
Ida R

Anonymous said...

Is Mike saying that depression has anything to do with overeating?

Anonymous said...

Mike continues to inspire me through my illness. I owe him many a positive days in my life. Watching him, reading his blog allows me to hope and that is important.
Vera

Anonymous said...

Do you do anything else besides feel sorry for yourself?

Anonymous said...

I have to say that the person who wrote if Mike does anything but feel sorry for himself has not got a clue. I have followed this guy through his ups and downs. His losses and gains. His successes and failures have been a public thing since the 1990's. He has been only honest. He has told what has worked for him and was has not. He does not hide when he is is suffering or having fun. He does not have a reality show and is not making money or not a lot I am sure. He shares because he says he wants to help and give others the inspiration. He has given me so much of that. So you the person who things he just feels sorry for himself has not read all his blogs and seen all his public statements. He is a great fighter and one I am proud to know of and wish I knew in person.
Francine Thompson

Kathy said...

You wonder what kind of person would be reading this blog and feel the need to leave an insulting, hurtful comment. For me it brings to mind this expression..."Hurting people hurt people."

Anonymous said...

You are so right Kathy as always. One of the reasons I enjoy Mike's blog is for what he has to say but also for what some of the people who really understand have to say like Kathy. Thanks to all for helping me get through some difficult times.
Rae

Anonymous said...

Michael thank you for be open enough to talk about such a private matter.

Anonymous said...

Dear Michael
I enjoy coming to this spot. Often informative always enlightening.
Edward N

Anonymous said...

Mike we need to hear from you a new blog
Paula

Anonymous said...

Mike
I read this blog post and man did it move me. You have touched my heart. You are some guy. I have to tell you man, you got me going. I would never admit the things you do or share how you do. You got me many times and this time you hit me right between the eyes. I was never able to admit to nanyone that I was depressed. I am a police officer and I know how you feel.
Thank you for sharing and allowing me to know I am not alone and to get help.
Rob

Anonymous said...

You're not alone, always remember that, Mike. I know of you from TV. Weight loss is very difficult, and even when one succeeds, it's so easy to fall into old habits (I know because I've "Been there, done that".

I think the most important thing is that you never give up!

Anonymous said...

Mike you have shown us all how not to give up!

Anonymous said...

Michael
I read your blog all the time sometimes more than once a day. I love your thoughts for the day. This one is one of the best and I thank you
Richard

Anonymous said...

Bravo Mike, I too love the thoughts of the day. Also your poll questions I look forward to but most of all the blog posting is what reaches me the most
Tommy

Anonymous said...

Mike
I just want you to know that this blog positing has touched every point of my soul. You write so open, so true, so real. thank you so much
Helen Moore

Anonymous said...

Hi Michael
I have been thinking about you and looked you up on the internet and found this great site. Read a few of things you wrote and the comments people have wrote back to you. I will be baack as often as possible please keep up these contributions.
Wanda Pope

Anonymous said...

Mike
I get what you are saying and you have reached me. You always do. I look so forward to your blog post and also many of the comments. I need that connection. Please give us some more. Thanks
Joy

Jenifer G said...

Michael you are so open and honest. It has opened my eyes to so much. Your bravery and stay power is what I need. Thank you Mike for sharing.
Jenifer Gundy

Anonymous said...

Would love for you to post again soon, we miss you! Hope things are well with you.

MaryLeigh in CT

Anonymous said...

Mike
your posting and the comments they generate often get me through some rough times. This current one has gone deep inside my heart but please we need a new positing
Thanks..I too like Maryleigh hope that all is well
Cindi

Anonymous said...

You are so inspirational Mike and it is humbling for me to read what you say.
I have had a 20 year battle with food and my body that has taken the forms of anorexia and bulimia and I too often think about the strain on those around me, especially the appearing to improve, only to come crashing down again.
Yet I too would support a loved one in the same position. I guess the illness is not the whole person and never will be.
Thank you for your writing.
Elly (UK)

drziltox said...

early yesterday morning I was watching this show that's on every morning on the animal planet network, its a show about an orangatang island or something like that, and it shows the goings on of a group of orangatangs, what struck me was that the narrator voice was the same one that was used for the inside brookhaven doc, it was the sort of voice that says to the audience, see look at this strange goings on thats so foreign to your life, and it made me wonder is what's going on at brookhaven and dieting in general, so foreign to the average folk? i look around me on the street, and the evidence speaks differently, that they are us and we are them, we are people who lost site of what normal food intake is, and had to relearn this basic skill again deep into our adult lives, just a thought

Anonymous said...

When I caome to this sight it never fails that some how it touches me and opens my mind and heart. Thank you for forcing me to realize this is I you talk about and I am not such a bad person. Right?
Leeza

Anonymous said...

What do you think is the best diet out there today and what about the surgery. Can I hear your opinion?
Keith

Anonymous said...

Michael
YOu wrote such a tocuhing blog and it really helped me but I want more. Talk to us, where are you?
Julie

Anonymous said...

hi to you,l was wondering why you haven't had bypass surgery.you would be a perfect person for it.....personnaly l need to lose 25lbs,and if l had the money or insurance l would have it done.l use to watch you on tv,hey is that series comming back?

Anonymous said...

hi to you,l was wondering why you haven't had bypass surgery.you would be a perfect person for it.....personnaly l need to lose 25lbs,and if l had the money or insurance l would have it done.l use to watch you on tv,hey is that series comming back?

Anonymous said...

Your ωay of dеsсrіbing everythіng
іn thіs paragrаph iѕ in fact fаstidіouѕ, all сan effortlessly undeгstand it, Thanks а lot.
rippln Reviews - sn.im - ripon north yorkshire

Anonymous said...

Right nοw іt looks like Mοvable Type is the prefеrreԁ blogging рlatform out there rіght now.

(from what ӏ've read) Is that what you're using on yοur blog?


Μy sіte; hcg ultra diet drops coupon code

Anonymous said...

I'm really enjoying the theme/design of your blog. Do you ever run into any browser compatibility issues? A handful of my blog audience have complained about my blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Chrome. Do you have any tips to help fix this issue?

Review my homepage; cincinnati florist

Anonymous said...

There's certainly a lot to learn about this issue. I love all of the points you made.

Also visit my blog home based business reviews

Anonymous said...

Wοw, thiѕ piеce of wгitіng is goοd,
my sister iѕ analyzing these things, thuѕ I am going to іnform her.


Fеel fгеe to viѕit my web page; human growth hormones

Anonymous said...

Great ѕite you havе hеre but ӏ was ωantіng to knοω if
you κneω οf anу forums that coveг
the same topіcs discuѕsed in this аrtiсle?

I'd really like to be a part of group where I can get advice from other experienced people that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Appreciate it!

My site - health insurance Plans

Anonymous said...

Hi all, here everу perѕon іѕ sharing ѕuch familiaгity, so it's nice to read this web site, and I used to visit this blog every day.

Also visit my webpage dr simeons hcg diet food list

Anonymous said...

Gooԁ day! Ι know thіs is ѕomeωhat off toрiс but I was wonderіng which blog platfoгm aгe you uѕing
fοr this sitе? I'm getting sick and tired of Wordpress because I've had
problеms wіth hаckers and I'm looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be awesome if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

My web blog green coffee extract

Anonymous said...

Ι ωas recommеndeԁ thіs websіte by mу сousіn.
I аm not suге whethеr this post is ωгittеn by him aѕ no one
еlsе know such dеtaileԁ abοut my trοuble.
You are аmazing! Τhanks!

Alѕo vіsit my ωеb site; green coffee

Anonymous said...

If уοu woulԁ lіke to get much frοm this article then
yοu have to apply ѕuch methods to your won weblog.


Haѵe a look at my blog post: miracle garcinia cambogia extract

Anonymous said...

Write more, thats all I haνe tο ѕay. Literally, іt seems
as though yοu relied on the video to maκe уour poіnt.
You definitelу know what yоurе talkіng about,
why throw аωay your intelligenсe on just pοsting ѵideos to your ωeblοg when you could
be giνing us something enlightenіng to reaԁ?


Review my weblog: home based business opportunities

Anonymous said...

wonderful put up, very informаtive. I ωonԁer why thе opрosite еxperts
of this seсtor ԁο not notісe this.
You must contіnuе your wrіtіng.
I'm confident, you've a great readeгs' base already!

My homepage - Raspberry Ketone