Mike Hebranko

HOWDY

2011-12-21T08:23:00.000-08:00

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE AND I AM GLAD TO BE TALKING TO YOU FOR NOW. I AM NOT GOING TO DRAG YOUR HEAD OR FOCUS MY THOUGHTS ON THE FACT THAT I HAVE BEEN IN A HOSPITAL 205 DAYS THIS YEAR AND THIS LAST STAY INCLUDED A STAY IN “ICU” WITH 19 BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS. I AM CURRENTLY HOME AND COMPLETELY BED BOUND…..POOR ME!!! ORREJOICE, REFOICE! I AM HERE TODAY AND GET TO SHARE A FEW THINGS. TO ALL AND ANY WHO ARE OR ARE NOT SPIRITUAL …GOD LIVES!! HE HANGS OUT IN OUR HEARTS AND IF WE ALLOW HIM TO SPREAD HIS GRACE WITHIN US AND THEN WE SHARE IT. HE LIVES IN ALL THOSE CHURCHS (HEY IT IS GOD) AND HE HANGS OUT IN HOSPITALS. WHETHER THOSE DOCTORS AND NURSES BELIEVE OR NOT... IT DOES NOT MATTER. HE WORKS MIRACLES THROUGH MANY OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. I SAID IT AND THAT’S IT!I AM HOME NOW AND I AM LOOKING GOOD, FOR ME. TO GET TO SEE MY GRANDCHILDREN’S FACES ON CHRISTMAS. MY WELCOME HOME HUGS AND KISSES WERE THE BEST MEDICINE. AM I PHYSICALLY CURED? IS IT OVER UNTIL IT IS OVER! AM I CURED? NOT EVEN CLOSE! BUTHAT IS TOMORROW…..!!!TODAY, TODAY IS THE ONE THAT COUNTS, THERE IS GREAT PAIN, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY BUT I AM NOT SITTING IN A LONELY HOSPITAL WONDERING IF ANYONE WILL BE COMING THROUGH THAT DOOR TO VISIR ME. I GET TO SEE MY WIFE, SON AND HIS GREAT FAMILY. A FRIEND OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBER MAY STOP IN.MY FRIENDS IT IS IMPORTANT TO FOCUS AS SOON AS YOU CAN ON WHAT WORKS IN YOUR LIFE. FIRST WE ARE ALIVE!!! THEN THERE MAY BE ONE FAMILY MEMBER WHO RESPECTS YOU AND LOVES YOU. YOU ARE ROYALTY. IT COULD BE A CARETAKER WHETHER THEY WORK FOR MONEY OR IT IS THE LOVE FOR YOU IT IS DONE AND THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.YOU HAVE DONE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE. YOU MAY BE WILLING TO ADMIT IT OR NOT!IT IS NOW WE NEED TO STILL DO GOOD…….FOR YOU! YOURSELF! PUSH YOURSELF TODAY TO BE A PLAYER:THAT EXERCISE OR THERAPY IS WORTH ITTHAT WATER LOOKS GOOD IT HAS ALL THE “RIGHT STUFF”WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT CIGARETTE?IS THAT EXTRA DRINK NEEDED; TURN YOUR BACK ON THE THAT ILLEGAL DRUGTHEN THE TUFF (TOUGH) ONE THE… “FOOD”. THE HOLIDAY’S - IS 5000 CALORIES REALLY THAT IMPORTANT? THEN AFRER THE HOLIDAYS WE ARE THE GENERAL AND FOOT SOLDIER IN THIS BATTLE…MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES AND EATING HEALTHY! NOT EASY BUT YOU CAN DO IT!YOU KNOW WE CAN NOT ALL BE THE “BIGGEST LOSER” WE CAN BE THE BIGGEST WINNER.YOU DID GOOD FOR YOURSELF TODAY. IT MAY NOT BE PERFECT BUT IT IS ONE LESS DRINK, ONE DAY NO SMOKING, AND YOU ARE THE BEST WITH FOOD TODAY THAN YOU HAVE BEEN IN SIX MONTHS!WO! WINNER!THERE IS BEAUTY IN TODAY; THERE IS BEAUTY IN YOUR LIFE!ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE ….YOU JUST GOTTA BELIEVE!BELIEVE IN A HIGER SPIRIT….BELIEVE IN YOU!WE ALL HAVE TALES OF WOE AND OFTEN THE “DEVIL” IS IN THE DETAILS B U T!WHO CARES ABOUT THE DETAILS? IT DRAGS YOU, OTHERS AROUND YOU, AND THE DAY IS UGLY OR YOUR DAY IS.I AM WORKING ON MY SILVER LINING, ARE YOU?I WANT TO WISH YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES A JOYUS AND HEALTHY HOLIDAY SEASON!I AM ON A GREAT RIDE …MY BODY MAY BE CONFINDE TO BED BUT MY HEART, MIND AND SPIRIT ARE AS FREE AS I REACH OUT AND I LET THEM GO!LET GO OF THE PAIN, SUFFERING, AND TROUBLES (EVEN IF ONLY A MOMENT AT FIRST) AND ENJOY YOUR BLESSINGS. LAUGH TODAY OR AT LEASE SMILE.I BELIEVE IN ME, I BELIEVE IN YOU, I BELIEVE THERE IS BETTER IF WE LET IT!I AM WITH YOU…..HAVE A GREAT DAYLOVEMIKE

WHAT A ROLLER COASTER RIDE…

2011-07-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Weeeeeee! I remember those days so well. I was one of those who loved to go on rides and I did. The rule was “if I fit then that ride I hit”! Many were different Roller Coasters. Living in Brooklyn my whole life we had one of the most famous Roller Coaster in the world, “The Cyclone” in Coney Island.
If you study a Roller Coaster you will find that life is very similar to the ride itself. There are hills and bumps; at times it seems faster than other times. Some of the highs are very high and real scary and then you go along and when you least expect it you plunge into the unknown.
Sound familiar? This can be any of our lives and any time. Throughout life we have our ups and downs, with a few bumps thrown in for good measure. But rather than keep us down we have to keep the ride moving forward because soon the car will climb once again and so will our situations.
Believe me I know when things seem to be the darkest and there seems as if there is no hope, it is hard to keep moving forward. Those are the times when as the song says “you want to roll yourself up in a big ball and die”! “That’s Life”!
True there are times you could feel this way, I have been in that spot often enough to know it. What do you do?
You hang on, you believe and believe hard. There are highs ahead. There is light at the end of that tunnel. The key thing is you have to be here to reap the benefits. You have to not give up, not give up on yourself, on life, on the reality that things can and do change!
You have to believe in yourself even though people have lost faith in you, especially when people have lost faith in you. When those who you love and love you the most have reached their end and have given up on you that is no easy thing to face. That is a low of low.
Here are your greatest support people and they can’t hide their hurt, frustration, fear and overall tiredness. Their lack of belief in you.
This is when it is most important for you to hang on the most. This is where it is the hardest, not only have you given up on you but those who supported you when times were the worse seem to have quit. The pain becomes so bad, the loneliness overcomes you, and the emptiness drains your everything. This is when all you want to do is eat your way through the house….NO, this is when you have to hang on and do the opposite.
You have to fight, try different things, you must survive. We must survive!
There is no answer in the food we stuff in our mouth. The only thing that food does is have the same effect as my Grandson’s Binky (Pacifier). That binky amazes me, it is just a nipple with no reward coming through it yet it quits him down, puts him to sleep and makes him feel good!
Well the food we eat may taste okay for the moment but the overall harm it does…ask yourself. Is it worth it?
We all have an untapped strength inside of us. We really can be stronger than we think we are.
Each and every one of us have to pick our heads up high, throw our shoulders back, deep breath, and say these simple words…”I AM WORTH IT”!
You are worth it! You are worth every try out there. As long as you have breath inside of you, then you are worth the effort. When those who are the ones nearest to us get tired and lose faith in us, we need to be worth it even more.
My brother and sister in battle, no one knows pain we go through, no one knows the Roller Coaster Ride we are on individually, no, not until they ride in our car or walk in our shoes.
There is no room in your shoes for anyone else, walk forward, move on and enjoy the ride because you are worth it!
Really you are!

Good Luck and have a great day…
Love,
Mike

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2011-05-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow May 14TH I will celebrate the completion of 58 full years of life and begin down the road of my 59th year. What that holds for me, I am not sure. For some reason this birthday is one of reflection. I think it might be because this has been a year where my mortality has become a reality and not something that is just blindly talked about.

What I mean is that since I was eighteen years of age, I have had doctors and others tell me that “If you do not lose weight, you are going to die”! I have heard this so many times over the years, that death was just become another word to me. A word with no personal individual meaning. Oh I have experienced death in my life as I am sure many of you. I have lost friends and family very close to me. I also have been ill, enough times and badly enough to be knocking at those doors of eternity. Yet when I was suffering with those illnesses, I seemed to have youth on my side and I would hear “Mike thank God you have a good heart”!

Well this all changed this year. Let’s face it first of all I am 58 years old. Even if I were the healthiest person walking this earth, I am still 58 years old. Oh and yes, I can still have another 20, 30 years ahead of me but there is a finite number of those years.

Oh I know the 50’s are the new 40’s and the 40’s the new 30’s etc. but is anyone telling the Big Guy in the sky that we humans have decided to push back time by 10 years?

Another thing that has happened this year is that I am beginning to have “Heart” problems and other medical problems that I have been warned about for many years that were going to catch up with me!

Therefore this birthday is one of real reflection, celebration, and gratefulness.
I am grateful to my “Maker” for giving me all this time so far. I am grateful for those who care for me and have followed God’s guidance to see me through some real tough times. I am thankful for those who love me. Needless to say at the top of that list is my wife. Then my son and his family. Then there is my extended family and friends who love me and have stuck by me through “thick and thin”.

I reflect on how lucky I have been. Though my battle has been rough and there have been some close times both medically and emotionally, I am still here to talk about them. I remain to be the luckiest man on earth.

I love the life that has been given to me, would I change some things if I could? Of course I would. Yet I desire. A “Hunger” to live, to carry on and believe me it is a fight sometimes. One that is worth it.

I love opening my eyes each morning to see that I am included in another day. Then by the end of the day, I love to put my head on my pillow and focus on the beauty of the miracle that I just privileged to live. The day, the events, the people I got to interact with was a thing of beauty!

That is why I sit here May 13th the day before my birthday and I make my plans. Plans for the day, the week, the next three months, the next 12 months, 60 months and yes I am taking bets that I will be around for the next 30 years.
Life and I have a deal. It goes like this… I don’t waste a moment of life and appreciate all of those moments, both good and bad, and in return, life will continue to give itself to me for many years to come.

Life is a bowl of cherries and yes sometimes you get a pit or two. When you do get those pits, what do you do? You spit them right out and dig right back in for another cherry. Life can be fun even at it most worse moments. Those would be the times to hang on the hardest and use the tools that you have gathered through your journey to help you get through it. Maybe it is a friend, a call, a book a professional or a prayer. Whatever it takes, fight to survive and live to enjoy another moment.

Even at my darkest moments if I looked real hard and opened up my eyes I saw light at the end of that tunnel (and still do)!

As a gift for my birthday that I give from me to you, I give you my love. I give you my hope. I give you my “Hunger” for this life.

May you never starve of hope and dreams, may you hunger for another day and may you be happy to be who you are and then from there….

we can start…!

Smile, Love
Mike

Health is Number One

2011-03-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

How many times, when I was growing up would I hear my father say, “Money ain’t nuttin, (he was a true Brooklynite) what is important is that you got your health”! Time and time again I would hear those words, even in my early twenties when money was no object for me, you would hear him saying. “Big deal, pray for your health foist”! I actually would get a pain in the pit of my stomach when I heard him say that, especially because he said it so much!

Well, who said “Father knows best”? Guess what? He does! I can now attest to the fact, when you have your health there is nothing that is impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that “All things are possible, if you believe”, but when you have good health, the possible is a little more doable.

Now some of us will use a medical situation as an excuse for not reaching a goal that we feel we really want. I say medical situation because not all medical problems equal poor health. I won’t begin to mention some conditions that some of us may have, that may not really be a reason, not to make a healthy choice for food that day or for doing a little physical activity or just getting something done that you have been putting off.

Everyone needs to take a personal inventory of themselves occasionally. You need to have that talk with yourself and say, “self, am I just clowning around? Am I really that sick, that I cannot do____X”? When you have this talk, this honest talk, you may realize that you, are your biggest barrier to getting things done, to living your life. Your life, the way it is meant to be. Not as a victim but as a winner! A human being, a living force in this universe. One that deserves to achieve and receive!

It is when you are seriously ill and have physical challenges that this becomes a little more difficult task. Not impossible but little more difficult. One of the reasons I believe that it is a little more difficult is because there is a lot of physical hours in a day dedicated to taking care of your health. Either with the assistance of others, managing medications, coordinating care, therapy of all kinds, all this and more takes up a lot of real time.

I for one, (in the past almost a year now) have been battling with my health. I say battling because it is a war and I refuse to surrender! I will not say that there are days I truly feel battle fatigued but hopeless? Never! I fight for the physical assistance I need from others just to get me well. Then I push and pray and believe that there will be a tomorrow for me!

I may have been sicker back in the early 1990s but I was a lot younger. Now there are several organs involved and we seem to get one in balance and another one acts up. All those years of putting such unbelievable pressures on my body have taken its toll.

Oh but as the song in “Bye-Bye Birdie” says, “I’ve Got a Lot of Living to Do”! You know what the fact is I may go before finishing this writing…, it’s possible! I don’t believe it but some day it will be. I cannot live that way. I have to believe that there will be a tomorrow for me.

I want to make the best of this day, live for this day, do for today but I want to be able to lift my head and see in the horizon my tomorrow. Do I look forward to the pain and suffering that I will probably have? I believe eventually it will get better and if I have to suffer a bit tomorrow then I will. Because hidden in that deep screaming, darkness of pain and suffering there are those moments. Moments when I get to see my wife, my boys (son and his son’s), and my daughter in law, my family and friends. I read and email or two, a blog message, my both young guys want their Ga Ga’s (that’s me) attention. That makes the pain a little more manageable, the heart beat a little stronger and things are in sync.

What better force is there than the force of life itself? I believe in life. I believe in living. If I can make a healthy choice today, drink a little extra water (that is a difficult one for me), use little less or no salt at all then I was proactive in helping myself. I keep moving, even if to some it may not seem that way, but me keeping my legs moving doing ankle pumps helps my circulation and that is very important. I do what I can and try to do little more each day.

Sometimes it seems like I am back to square one but those are the days I have to remind myself, I am not bed bound, I say to myself it could be worse. There are moments I want to feel sorry for myself. I allow that moment to linger for a minute or two then I say enough is enough “Hebranko” there are people worse off than you. You were worse off than you!

The glass is half full and soon to run over. I could look at life as “man I am almost sixty, which is really old…”! or “wow cool almost sixty, not bad for a guy who was suppose to be dead since he was 21, 33, 40, 48, 53…”! Sixty is not that old it is just a state of mind.

As long as in your head you feel right about yourself it will be then that the body will start to react! Change comes from within first. You have to want it; you have to believe in it! You have to fight for it!

My friends, many of you have emailed me or blogged asking how I am. I will sum it up this way. My body is not that great but my mind is having a ball!

I hope that you, yes you, are doing well. I hope that you are not losing faith and if you are it is time to re-charge! I want you, me and all of us right now take a deep breath and while letting it out say this one thing……..”I am okay, I am worth it”!

Dad, I know you can hear me saying this….Health is the most important, including your spiritual and emotional health also.

Good luck, Good health and have a great rest of today!

Love
Mike

Happy New Year

2010-12-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

To all my blogger family…I want to take this time to wish you and your loved ones only the best of health and internal peace.
I have not forgotten anyone of you and apologize for the long intermission of blogs.
I have been battling on quite a few fronts and now part of my plan (a necessary part) is that I will be going into the hospital Today….snow allowing for it!
I do not look at this as a defeat but rather an opportunity, a chance to get well physically so that I can face some of my demons on a daily basis.
Winners do not get up one morning and there is a “Gold Medal” around there neck. True winners face a journey one of which we really do not know…but we face it. As it comes up we deal with it and try to make the best of it.
So to you my friend a bid you a temporary ado and leave you with this corny but true statement….
A winner never quits and a quitter never wins…
I walk into this new battle not knowing what is ahead but I do have my tools… my wife and son, my family and friends, the best of doctors, my willingness not to give up and my Faith. I believe that I am in the best of hands...
Have a great New Year, Let 2011 be a year for you….
Love
Mike

My Wife

2010-08-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

I need to tell you about my wife. I will try very hard not to make this reflect my personal deep feelings about this very special human being. No, what I want to do is let you know where I draw much of my strength from and who I owe much of my life too.

We all need to have someone (not necessarily a spouse) who can be there for us in some way. Who can support you through good times and some really horrible times?
I know this woman who on so many levels outshines, excels most of us…at least myself.

Madelaine is a business woman. Does she work from 9-5 then come home and leave her job behind her? Never! She gives so much time of herself to her career and the company she works for that they could never imagine how lucky they are, even though they are a public company. Even during their supposedly not so busy season she works 8 to 10 hours a day. Then she comes home and after she spends family time, she will then work another two, three hours to past midnight and beyond if need be.

Family time—my wife was and has always been a great mother to our only child. She was a full time mom even when she was working. She also took the role of a part time dad when I couldn’t fulfill the position for one reason or another over the years. Like many moms and many single moms she negotiated her job, the house, our son’s school, his activities and all kinds of things in his life. The only thing was … she wasn’t a single mom. She also, {more than I would like to think} took care of a sick husband and at times a very sick husband.

Madelaine is a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend etc: Takes on all those roles with great pleasure and pride.

She rarely misses church on Sundays.

Then as a wife! Madelaine has taken her vows “through sickness and health, for better or worse, until death due you part”, very much to heart.

Here is a woman who at 23 married a guy who was heavy (450) yes, but he was mobile. He was working a great job. He took her on a 3 week honeymoon to Hawaii, California, and Vegas. Then we went back and forth to Vegas a few times in those beginning years. All kinds of vacation weekends, beautiful cars, a home, cleaning ladies. Madelaine was living large …then within 4 years the “Balloon” Burst. I lost the business; I was getting sicker, medical bills, surgeries, comas, hospitals, nurses, major wounds, 24 hour care. Now 30 years later and she still takes care of wound care she helps her husband all the time. She is there with him in the hospital, heart doctor appointments, through kidney failure and all kinds of scares.

She lives in fear of losing me but has she ever “Jumped ship” has she ever turned her back on me or any of her responsibilities or anyone? Never!

You have to see the joy she brings to her grandchildren and what she gets back in return. For them and her son and his family, she will do without so that they may have if need be.

Madelaine is greatness and not just because I love her.

She represents millions of un-sung heroes of the world.

People who help others and ask for nothing in return.

If it weren’t for a Madelaine there would be no Michael.

Remember none of us are an Island; none of us can really make it on our own.

We all need someone.

It may be a spouse, a friend, a church member, a special doctor, a neighbor or a family member.

We need someone to encourage us when we are doing well and to help pick us up when we are down.
Madelaine is and has been a friend for many. She is there for her family, her company, her friends and for sure her husband.

Madelaine is strong, she rarely asks for anything, and nearly never complains. She is a cancer survivor, those are special people right there!

I hope, pray and wish you all have a Madelaine in your lives!

God has put these Angels all around the planet to help people like you and me.

If you know one great, if you do not, they are out there.

Have a special day

Love

Mike

My Heart Cries Out to Be Free

2010-06-02T14:28:00.000-07:00

My heart cries out to be free….once and for all! I have struggled with my disease for over fifty years. I have had to live with humiliation, abuse, failure, depression and that is only what I have done to myself. I have had to see the let down in the faces and voices of people who mean the most to me in the whole world. Worse I have had to see the frustration and fear in their eyes and hearts too. I am so tired of hurting and letting people down around me and I have been doing this for a long period of time already.

Time and time again I give the people around me a moment in their lives when they can take a deep breath and feel kind of secure that the worse is behind them and that they can enjoy life with me…and then…..fasten your seat belts here we go again, “he has screwed up one more time. Once again he has gone too far maybe to a point of no return and yet we have to watch it all over again and suffer the fear, pain and anxiety of it all”.

I truly get it and I realize that it cannot be an easy thing for those around someone like me. Those who love me and have stood by me through “thick and thin”. It cannot be easy for them. I know it is not easy for me to watch them, watch me. Yet what are their options? What would I do if I were in their shoes? One thing for sure is, I would not, I could not, abandon them, I could not turn my back, and I could not stop loving them. Could I do as they show on television…an “Intervention”? Then what, send a “food addict” to detox for 30 days and then live happily ever after? Well speaking from experience 30 days is not really enough….I’ve been there, done that.

I have fought and boy have I fought for many, many years always searching and trying new things, new ideas, and new gimmicks. I have traveled many a long dark lonely roads because of my disease. I have swum in many of mud filled puddles of tears along the way. Disappointment has become a familiar companion to me. Hopelessness has tried to take over my life! I won’t let that happen….no matter what!

I have had some very real successes over the years and some very real backslides but with each one I learn more and more about me, the “person”.

Each experience has taken its toll on my life, my health and my relationships. Yet I do grow from them all (and not in the physical sense, although that too happens sometimes).

Two of the biggest things I have learned about myself over the past few years, one being a physical thing and one is an emotional thing.
First the physical.

Food! What works for me best, when trying to eat healthy, when trying to exist with food on a regular everyday basis and not just dieting, or binging or starving but just being comfortable with food , my environment and my disease is my K.I.S.T. method. "Keep It Simple Today", this has worked for me for the longest period of time, with the most amount of results and the thing that I am most comfortable with. It allows me to lose weight but a normal pace and still be able to function in the world. This is what I have been able to live with. This is a program that works! It makes sense!

The second thing that I have learned about myself…

Is not such an easy thing to talk about or even admit, to myself or anyone else but I suffer from depression!

Not sure if it is a chemical thing or not. But it is real! In the past doctors have given me anti-depressants but always under the umbrella that it would help me with my appetite and they never worked in that department so they were stopped.

Yet I have learned that I suffer from depression. How did I learn this? Like I have learned so many other things about myself and that is through the “School of hard Knocks”.

I am a guy who has it all. I have a loving and supportive wife, a great and caring family and beautiful friends. I have had the pleasure of being a grandpa for almost 5 years and the privilege, of being a daddy for 33 years. I have been counted out health wise many times only to live to write this blog (thank God and the caregivers he has sent to me). As the world looks at my life they say I am a lucky guy and I so agree with them on that one. They also would say, “so what does he have to be depressed about?” I would tend to agree with them on that one too, except those are the people who do not understand depression.

Having something to be depressed about and being depressed is two completely different things.

There are times in my life when I have had things to be depressed over. A death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, sickness in the family or of one you adore. Financial situations, all kinds of reasons in one’s life can be a reason to get sad or depressed over…but then there is depression!

Depression is being depressed when there is no reason to be depressed.

When if you stop running for one second and let things catch up you will just cry and why? Do you need a reason? Not really!

Depression is being in a room full of people who love you and being so lonely. Depression is long, very long nights and lonely, dark, cold bitter nights and that could be in the summer.

Then it becomes a cycle, yes the “vicious” cycle. The last thing I want to do when I am depressed is K.I.S.T.

No, when I am depressed all I want to do is eat something fast, of quantity and that will comfort me and make the pain of loneliness go away, the feeling of emptiness…if even for an un-logical moment in time. Does it really work? Not really! We know that in our common sense but at that time we are not dealing with common thoughts and we are we really only fooling but ourselves.

I would love to be free of it all.

Someone just recently asked me a question, which I didn’t hesitate one second to answer.

The question was “do you want to die”? Not for one second is that ever a thought in my mind.

All I want to do is to survive; all I want to do is live. I love life, my whole struggle is about survival and making it work. I thrive myself in seeing that glass as half full.

I have believed now and have always believed that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in many tunnels in my day and I am happy to report that there has been light at the end of each and every one of them.

My journey has not to say the least been an easy one. Not for me and certainly not for those who love me. Do I mean to bring hurt or pain to anyone? Not in a heartbeat but do I anyway? Yeah, I do!

I cannot make empty promises to them or to myself. What I can do is continue to fight and fight hard. Continue to learn about myself, not hide in my shame and pain. Open myself up as I find out more about me. Give myself time to heal. Be patient with myself. Love myself and be able to forgive myself.

I am not the worse person in the world and neither are you! The best things about me are the worse things about me and from there I grow.

I feel this way; perfect is not a way to describe me. Basically I am a good person, a person who loves and loves to be loved. I have problems and I will work the rest of my life making my life work. I deserve that effort and so do you. We all do!

We have this gift and sometimes a gift comes with instructions and sometimes it does not. My life did not come with instructions therefore I have to work at it the best way I know how and sometimes I am going to make mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and as long as we have the time to make corrections then what else can we do?

Depression is no joke and if anyone out there is reading this and suffers from depression and is not able to get hold of it themselves, then please for me, for your loved ones and most of all for yourself seek professional help. You are worth it! We all are.

My heart cries out to be free! Free of the pain, the struggle, the loneliness, and the darkness…Free….my heart cries to be free. My spirit thrives to win and win it will be! I have made it this far and I refuse to ever give up.

I am a fighter and like a good fighter I may get knocked down once in awhile but before the count of ten I brush myself off get back up on my feet and get back in the fight. I see the light and not the eternal-spiritual light- no I see the light of hope and the light of life itself!

My name is Mike and I am a man who loves life, loves his family and friends and I am a winner!

I am a fighter and I will never give up! Oh yes and there are times that I suffer from depression…

Be all of who you are, own up to it and move forward from there…and now have a great day….you deserve it!

Love ya
Mike

Up Up and Away …

2010-05-02T18:02:00.000-07:00

What did you do yesterday? What are your plans for today? How about tomorrow? Can you afford to sit around and wait for something to happen in your life? We all have to be players in our own game.

Look I totally understand pain, lack of energy, inability to “exercise” and just general loss of seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. Yet my friends, I can tell you there is light in that tunnel, there is always light there. Sometimes it takes a little longer to get to it, find it or even see it. Many times some of us have been in the dark for so long, that when we are standing in the light, we don’t even know it!

I cannot tell you how many times I have been in the “Pits”. Things have been so dark, so painful, so lonely, it all seemed so hopeless, that all I could think, was “I want to die”. I can remember feeling that way as early as the age of five years old. In the last twenty years I have been successful in taking off the weight; several times…I have also had “tons” of problems keeping it off!

Have any of you, lost weight in the past, then put it back, plus a little more. Do you remember how you felt? How about how your loved ones, friends and family looked when they saw you, after you gained the weight back? How did that make you feel?

Well now multiply that feeling by millions because every pound that I lost and gained in the last twenty years has been journalized, televised, blogged about and analyzed. Believe me when I tell you, the same as it has been for you it has not been easy for me. What do we do?

Do we roll ourselves up in a big ball and die? (I got that line from a song “That’s Life”). Do we give up? Throw our hands up and say I can’t do it anymore; I don’t want to do it anymore?

We all can be “weighed” down for all kinds of reasons. They may be physical and/or emotional. Yours may be weight related or have nothing to do with your weight or your body at all.

The point is if you want to get to the chance to be a player in your own game of life, then you have to start playing now!

If you did nothing yesterday but sat around and felt sorry for yourself then…

Today you have to do something a little different!

If there are physical limitations, then try to do some kind of movement. Try to lift your legs a bit or maybe lift your arms as high as you can, even if for only a couple of minutes at a time.

I was bed bound and over 800 pounds and I use to do arm work outs, upper body stuff, that is why I have a “six pack” today…..okay maybe not a “six pack” more like a “case”!

Seriously I would lie there and do ankle pumps all day. You have to keep the blood flowing.

You can do things today for you. If you can, go outside for a while. Enjoy nature, call a friend, or try saying hi to a neighbor.

DO SOMETHING TODAY FOR YOU!

Make plans for tomorrow. You must have something to look forward to. Plan a healthy food day, visit someone, or invite a family member over to your home. Maybe go to a museum, sit on the porch.

YOU MUST HAVE A REASON FOR TOMORROW!

There is hope, always hope! You got to believe!

If we let life “weigh” us down too much and for too long, then it makes it more difficult to get up!

Does it make it impossible? No, just a little harder.

You can do it! You should want to do it! Why not? Why not? Are you not worth the effort?

Sure you are! You have been your best friend your whole life, you have been through so much with yourself. You have laughed, cried, celebrated and loved. All the time having yourself to get through and share it all.

Therefore taking care of you now, makes sense!

Here is a new concept for some of you...that is to “Love Yourself”! It’s okay! It was a hard one for me and one that I work on constantly. It is the basis to my survival

Okay so let’s make those plans; let’s do the things we need to do. Let’s make life work for you. No more sitting back.

Up, Up and away, and you will begin to sore. You will see the light, all kinds of light. Life is full of light. Play the game…

Pick yourself up and get back in the race……

Have a great day, plan for tomorrow

Love ya
Mike

Fall Back and Spring Ahead….

2010-03-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

For many of us in America this was the weekend when we push our clocks ahead one hour. I was up Saturday evening/Sunday morning and I was watching the clock on the cable TV box and it said 1:59. I was waiting to see it switch to 2am and much to my amazement it switched to 3:00am.

What happened to Two A.M.? I missed it. A lot of things could have happened in that hour. An hour is pretty important to me and it seems to be getting more important as I get…, well let us just say more mature in life. Oh, let me just say it as it is…as I get older. What am I hiding? I am getting older and all I can say about that is …Thank God! Wow! I am getting older.

I have learned to appreciate each and every hour that I am around. Life is beautiful. There are moments within everyone’s life that things may seem gloomy and really dark. There may be times when horrible things may really happen.
Yet in general and as a whole, I love life and wouldn’t trade it for anything. When I lose an hour I feel cheated. I could have used that hour.

Every hour has meaning to me. I spent many of hours in my life which some may look back at and say were wasted hours, wasted life. I was homebound for many years, bed bound for a few. I have been in Rehabilitation Centers for three years on and off, hospitals hundreds of times and certainly locked up in my own body for almost a lifetime. Have I wasted time? Am I a wasted life?

Some may see my life that way. To those, I say. Take a look deep inside yourself first before you are ready to judge my life. My life is what it is and was what it was. I am here because of where I came from. Where I go next? I go forward, I am always headed forward. There are still times in my life where, for some crazy reason, I find myself going down that silly dark path but I do eventually find my way. I will continue too, as long as I have time in my life and it does not run out on me.

Eventually it will run out. When it does, then my turn will be over and I will know that I never achieved everything that I did. Was it everything I planned? Did I reach every goal? Of course I didn’t complete my “Bucket List”, but man do I have a lot to be thankful for: things I never thought I would have!

When I was a young “whipper snapper”, in my very early twenties, I thought someday I would be President. Oh, I had all the Ideas on how I could solve the world’s problems and make this country an even better place for all (I still I could). In those years, I never thought I would find anyone to fall in love with me and marry me. Children? I didn’t think that was going to ever happen for me and grandchildren, you must be kidding. I was going to be dead according to all the doctors by the time I was the age of 30, therefore grandchildren just were not in my future.

Look what happened! Here I am, maybe not the President of the United States but I am the luckiest man on earth! Look where I am. I am a soul mate, a person who I dreamed of being with from when I was 14 years old and now this angel is my wife. I am a dad, and I am a Ga Ga (grandpa). What great titles to have. I have to tell you when I think of the two titles of…Mr. President, or Ga-Ga, well the truth be, the Ga-Ga title has got me Goo-Goo!

I have gained wonderful relationships, I am considered a friend to many people and I have many friends. I have a great supportive family. That is why every hour of every day has become so very important to me and should be important, to all of us. All of us should use the time we have, to do what we can, in the moment, for our self right now and to make yourself happy. Use the time we have to build, mend and create good strong solid relationships with others. Use this moment to make a good choice for yourself and do a healthy thing.

Too many of us use our precious time to damage our self. We will use it to overindulge and/or abuse our self physically and or emotionally. We will use the time at hand to stuff our problems, swallow them, smoke them or inject them but this behavior will never solve them.

We need to use the time wisely to solve the things that do not work in our life. To search for reasons things might not work for you and then find the solutions. We can begin to make positive changes in our lives right now! Today!
Remember as long as you have the breath then you have the time and as long s we have time, there is hope and then it will never be too late!

Life is to be enjoyed and though there are those dark moments, we still need to stay focused on the overall picture of “Life itself”. Life is “Light” and the beauty of what life can hold for you, for me, for us is just enchanting.

We are here for a finite period of time. What that time is, no one knows. If we are going to spend the time beating ourselves up for a whole lifetime then we have wasted a good opportunity, a good chance, and a time to enjoy… then we have wasted a life.

I had a friend; he will be my friend in my heart forever. He may not be physically on this earth anymore but he will be my friend as long as I will be able to think and feel. The truth is I hadn’t spoken to him in over twenty years but that did not mean he was not my friend. Nicky was a guy who from my viewpoint had everything to live for. In the day, many of the young woman desired him and I am sure some of the young men too. He had the looks any guy wouldn’t mind having. I know looking from my 700 pound body, I often desired his body but not in the way maybe the woman did. I wanted to physically have his body. Nicky also was the kindest, loving, most gentle guy you ever wanted to know. He loved my little son (at the time). He was a dedicated friend, employee and sort of my “left hand man”. He was loyal and would do anything for you. He was shy but at the same time had a nice personality. Nicky had one more thing; Nicky didn’t have much self-confidence. He was not comfortable in his own self. Something bugged him. He struggled a lifetime with his demons and just couldn’t get it together and now Nicky is no longer with us, physically on this earth.

Fifty-five years old may seem old to some but Nicky couldn’t hold on to that “Light of life”. He just couldn’t let himself; stay focused on the “Light of Life”. He tried; I know him and I bet he tried real hard. I guess no one knows someone else’s battles. The world will miss our Nicky….Too short a time, before his time!!
None of us know when our time will be up; that is why it is so very important to make the best of today. Don’t put it off until tomorrow. Don’t wait until tomorrow to call that person you wanted to say “Hi” to. Tell “you know who” how special they are today.

Most of all do that something right, for you now…don’t wait!
Just think if you wait until later to take care of you or do that something nice for you…later may not get here. Later may be that lost hour between 1:59 and 3:00am that I saw go by the other night!

Have a great day, love each other and most of all love yourself …it is okay…

Love
Mike

Oh, Poor Victim…

2010-02-15T18:02:00.000-08:00

The last thing in the world I would ever want to sound like or be known as is a “Victim”. Yet there I was today just surfing through the internet and I came upon this blog page (from 2007). It was a bunch of people commenting on the “Inside Brookhaven” documentary (that I appeared in) it has been shown on Discovery and TLC channels from time to time over the years.

In it there was a piece where the EMT (Emergency Ambulance People) were transferring me (actually carrying me) down a long flight of steps in a wheelchair, with the help of six or eight men. They then proceeded to transport me to the Brookhaven facility, and transferred me into the bed from a stretcher. When they were doing this there was a very little drop, of about four to six inches.

Normally this would not be noticed by anyone. Except what we didn’t know at the time was I was suffering from “Rickets” and every bone in my body was brittle and aching with extreme pain. When they dropped me those few little inches, my almost 800 pounds of girth on top of those sore bones, released an expression of pain and verbal abuse, which at the very least could be interrupted as ungrateful. I was hurting and I lashed out at the first person or people that were near me. Was I right to do so? No! Did I realize it came off as ungrateful? Of course not!
What most people do not realize, is that most of what one sees on TV or in the movies is only a small piece of the actual truth. There was so much more to those tapes that did not make it to the TV. I was so appreciative to those people who took care of me and I expressed it both publicly and privately. They know the truth! Let me state it clearly for the record.

I would not be here today if it wasn’t for God, My wife, my son, Richard, and all of the Medical people in my life!! When I say all the medical people I am not just including the great doctors that have kept me alive but I am also including the nurses of the world, who I believe are the real angels of the hospitals and nurses aides who do all the hard stuff. Things I cannot even think of doing, bless them all. Last but certainly not least are the great EMT people who not once but three times literally saved my life, thank God for them. They are real heroes, and often many of them do a lot of volunteer work for the community.

I am now, I was then and I always will be appreciative to those people who have touched my life.

Hey, I am not so thinned skinned that I bruise too easily in my person by someone calling me a name or something like that. Coming from the background I came from I learned that there were people out in the world who did not understand what it is like, to live with this disease. Some people felt comfortable enough to make fun of me in my life even call me horrible names. As I grew older I realized that it was not my problem, their inability to comprehend and that it was okay for them to just not know.

Yet when I read things today like the following {Micheal is annoying. His whole attitude just sucks. Yeah, it's humiliating to have to be dragged out of your house because you can barely stand under your own weight but short of developing a large-and-in-charge levitation machine, there's not a lot those EMTs can do. I felt terrible for them trying to carry him down those stairs and then get "thanked" by having him bitch about how they were too rough with him and he has a bad back. I'm not that nice. I would have just rolled him down the stairs.}

I just had to respond. Not because I felt I needed to defend myself, the truth is there is really not a good excuse for any one human being to be nasty to another (especially if they are helping you) but I did have to just make clear one thing to all my medical Angels out there and that is…

I unconditionally love them all.

I appreciate them and everything they do for me and all people, especially my brothers and sisters in battle. I even appreciate those of them in the medical field that may not quite get it yet, that is okay their hearts are in the right place.

I never want to sound as if I am or ever was a victim but obviously according to the following quote I did so…{”Michael Hebranko bugged me because he had a major victim complex going on”}.

A “victim complex”, that is so funny to hear someone else have these opinions of you but this is what makes the world go around. The last thing I want to be is a victim. As a victim, where am I going?

As a victim all you do is remain stuck in “Victimville”! There is no good life in “Victimville”!

I want to be and have wanted to be for the longest time…a player. I take full responsibility for my life and where it has been, where it is and where it is going.
I refuse to look at my life as to what I have missed but rather I look at how lucky I am to have had the experiences and opportunities that I have had. I will not look at what I do not have because I have so much!

My life is not that of a victim, I Michael Hebranko, am one of the luckiest people in the world. Yeah, I may have a disease but I have a lot of things. I have Life, Faith, Friends and Family.

I have love! Love for life and all that it includes and I am in love and that love grows with every breath I take.

So call me many things (and I have been called it all) but victim…I am not too sure about that one.

None of us should live our lives coming from the point of “Victim”!

Be a player and make things happen in your life…you have the power…we all do!

Remember, Life is Power! You have the Power to Make Life and to Enhance Life!

Don’t let life pass you by…

Have a great day

Love
Mike

Ps
We may have been the victims of some sort of an atrocity in our lives, all I am saying is that I refuse to live my life as a victim!
Pss
Thanks for the concerns comments and emails about my absence from the blog page. I have had some health issues over the past couple of months. 2009 personally went out with a bang for me. I hope to be back blogging on a regular basis and thank you again for your kind thoughts.

A Season of Miracles

2009-12-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

This is the season for the celebration of “Miracles”. So to often we literally get “wrapped” up in the materialistic part of this time of year, that we actually forget what it is all about. It is about miracles.

In much of the world, we celebrate Christmas (the miracle birth of the Christ Child); we also celebrate Hanukkah (a Festival of Lights) and Kwanzaa (the Celebration of a Culture of People). All these celebrations, all based on miracles of all kinds.

We as a people, around this time of year, very often forget, truly forget, the “reason for the season” and instead we are so involved in so many other things. Oh, there is the shopping, spending, worrying, cooking, eating and for many people being depressed takes up a big part of the time. Yes, depressed. Depressed, that their loved ones, may not be with them, for one reason or another. Depressed because they may not have the money to buy the gifts they want to. Depressed, they may not have any friends or family. All may be valid reasons.

Yet again what are we doing? This is a season of “Miracles” and a miracle has occurred in your Life! Yes! It is the twelfth month of the year and you and I are communicating once again. We are celebrating our life. We made it! Another year, Hooray! Some of us, it may have been a “Breeze” and for others it was “The Perfect Storm” but we are all here to talk about it.

Some may be wounded but we are here and as long as there is life….there is HOPE!

Therefore, in this the season of “Miracles”, Celebrations, Gift Exchanging, Partying and Eating…we need to take time to look around and appreciate the “Miracles” in our lives.

When we do look around, we need to start first from within our self.

Get it! We are a Miracle!

Each day we survive is miraculous. Do not brush it off so easily.

Life can be difficult at times and those of us who fight, survive, and get to play in this game of life another day…well that is a gift of champions!

Then after looking within ourselves take a look around us and I bet we can find all kinds of “Miracles” that happen around us in our lives.

A phone call can be a miracle, if it is at that right moment if our life, when it is needed. A smile, a visit, the smell of a new day, can be miraculous when a smile is what it takes. How about a new birth, or the passing of a suffering loved one? Getting to hold your grandchild, this is nothing short of a miracle.

Miracles, all kinds of miracles are all around us, all the time.

We need to just rub our eyes and stretch out our arms and just take in the goodness that surrounds us.

Yes, this is “A Season of Miracles” but that does not mean Miracles only happen in December!

To all of you out there have a Miraculous Holiday, a Healthy one to you and all your loved ones and when it comes to the “Eating”, Remember….

There is a tomorrow

Have a wonderful day

Love
Mike

Gobble Gobble Gobble

2009-11-21T11:39:00.000-08:00

Gobble, gobble, can you believe it Thanksgiving is here! Speaking of “gobble”, this is not the time for so many of us to get gobbled up in the “curtain” of the “holidays”. I say the “curtain of the holidays”, because over the next seven weeks, those of us who really suffer from this disease can hide behind the “curtain of the holidays” and “eat” just like everyone else is doing! Oh sure, no one will notice us eating, because everyone is doing it, picking and chewing, and chewing, and chomping. All the food, spread out all over the place, plenty of opportunities for us to do all kinds of damage to ourselves.

This presents a couple of problems. First is that statistics say the average American will gain 14 to 20 pounds over the next 7 weeks…..Hello, Average!

When have most of us been average when it comes to eating? When they say 14 to 20 that means that some will gain 2 pounds and maybe some will even lose 3 pounds (Ha!). Then on the other hand, some of us could actually gain 40 or 60 pounds over the next seven weeks.

My problem is, especially if I do not keep myself in “check”, If I do not “Keep It Simple for Today”, my problem could and has been at times in the past that …

I begin eating the night before Thanksgiving (when we are doing the preparing) and do not finish until three days after the “Super Bowl” which is in late January early February. I can, and have eaten as if it is holiday every single one of those Seventy days.

This is why we all need to focus.

Thanksgiving is a day to surely be thankful and not for the poor Turkey that gave its life for us. We need to be “thankful for the chance to be able to be thankful”.

We need to look around and see the real things that we have to be thankful for.

Spend a moment (at least) during that day to reflect on the things you have to be thankful for. It is not about the food.

You have eaten it all before!

If you do right by yourself this year, you will live for another, to taste it all again.

Look, the reality is you are going to eat more than 1600 calories probably that day….okay!

That is one day! Not every day, not the next seven weeks! Besides it, does it really have to be 16,000 calories?

You can have a small piece of pie, a taste, if you need to have it…

Then that is it! The holiday does not continue until and through Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Years and Ground Hog Day.

No, there are breaks in between those days.

You do not have to celebrate every social event at office parties, house parties, family gatherings, and all of them with a mouthful of food.

Swallow a little and talk. Socialize, it is fun.

The Holidays can and should be a time to spend and enjoy with your friends, family and loved ones. Time spent, without food making you feel either sick, guilty or both!!

Whatever you do, do not say those horrible dreadful “Loser” words…..

”Ah, I’ll make a New Years Resolution and I will start my diet January 2nd”!!!!!!!

NO!!!!!!!!!!

It is only November, December, it is today!

Do it now! You are now!

You are alive …now!! You count…now!!

You can do it ….Now!

So gobble, gobble, let’s finish ’09 ….“In Line”!

“In Line for a great 2010”.

A 2010 where there will be no end of “You taking care of You”.

To all my friends and buddies and to all my “brothers and sisters” in battle ….

I wish to you a very happy, healthy, thankful holiday season and I am thankful we get this chance to share together…..

Eat smart, Think well, do not hate, be less angered, and smile when in neutral …..

All my love

Mike

The Stork Arrives

2009-10-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

It is 11:03AM on Thursday, October 20th 1977 and the doctor (actually, it was a nurse) tells me that I have a son!! A little boy weighing it at 11 pounds 4 ounces a bouncing baby boy, a healthy little “Butterball”. Imagine I was a father and now the task of becoming a “Daddy” began.

Oh, it is not easy for any parent. Raising a child, being responsible for their safety, well-being, happiness, future, their every need is not an easy thing. Some people unfortunately think “flim-flam-bam and thank you mam they are parents and the rest is easy….it is not!

I only realized the struggle, worry and concern my parents went through, only when I became a father myself.

I always say, just because you are a parent that does not make you perfect! That when you become a parent, there are no, instructions that come along with that tiny little miracle of life, that is now yours.

It is like being thrown into the 100 foot water (never knowing if you can swim or not) and being told, “Swim”!

Yet I for one thing I am the luckiest man in the world! Seriously! Many of these blogs have been about my struggles or those of others but let us face it life has its REWARDS!

In addition, to being a father and I believe I also can call myself a “Daddy” for Thirty-Two years there are many “REWARD”!

I have been blessed with a child (and now a Man) who has been respectful to his family, loved his family, never ever embarrassed himself or his family. He works hard for his wife and children, he is true to them (and better be) and loves them and adores them very much.

Is he perfect? In my eyes as a dad, ….Yes! Could he do or have done some things differently? Ha! Who could not do some things differently in thirty-two years if given the chance? It is certainly easy for me or anyone from the cheap seats to sit and be a judge….but I will not!

I too could have done things differently and so could have you, I am sure!

The thing is I have gotten to see him grow up! With all that comes from that.

All the cheers, jeers, and tears! The awards (and there were many), the parties, graduations (I might not have attended them all but I have been around for them all), and “the first”! First tooth, then the first tooth to fall out, first job, first girlfriend, first (and only) wife, first child, (now second child) many first.

Yes, life has its REWARDS and one of mine (a biggy) was certainly the day the Stork arrived in our family.

I feel good today! I feel great today! I am proud to be a father and more proud to be the Dad of Michael Hebranko III born 1977.

I am a lucky person to be here to see all this and to be able to share it with my loved ones and my friends.

I share this part of my life with you and I ask you to take a moment to reflect on even just one “REWARD” life has had for you……..We all have them……….

In this world today of havoc, finances a mock, news is crazy, wars, innocent people dying, people doing crazy things just to be on TV ….sometimes it is important amidst all this havoc to search and reflect on the good things …..

On the REWARDS…it helps us to appreciate our lives ourselves..

It may bring a smile to us…

I know, to this very day not matter how I feel, no matter what kind of mood I am in, when I see my Son (even if it is for a second, until we argue about something) my heart brightens up, my blood flows better, my insides smile!

There are certain things that I am proudest of in my life one being my marriage and the love and relationship it has produced between myself and my bride and from that comes the other most proudest things in my life….my son...and now his family, his children, my grandchildren…

I have other things that I am proud of most… some are self accomplishment and survival and most are relationships with family and friends.

Life’s REWARDS they are there for the enjoyment, the reflection, the inner peace and comfort. Use them, allow yourself to appreciate them and acknowledge your part in your life’s REWARDS!

Enjoy today and all the days….

Love
Mike

Isolation

2009-09-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

Those of us who suffer from this “Disease”, “Addiction”, “Affliction”. Need to understand the things that truly feed or fuel this “mis-function” within us.

Throughout the years of my journey and as I walk the road towards recovery I have learned many things about myself and what works and even more so what does not work.

With me, myself and through observations of close friends and associates, I have seen one common behavior pattern with in many of us, that is “Isolation”.

Isolation, we tend to withdraw first in our heads then in our lives.

For example: In so many interviews that I have done, it will not take a minute for some one to ask my poor wife, “How can you watch him eat? On the other hand, “Why don’t you stop him”?

Well here is some news for the world…97% of all the wrong kind of eating, I have done, I have done alone, on the sneak, in private. I have never needed anyone to help me to get my “drug of choice” ---“FOOD”! I have put those pounds on in private…for the world to see in public!!

So hiding and sneak eating is one of our problems and one that needs to be addressed if we are going to make any improvements in our life!

Another major “Isolation” problem is that we will withdraw, internally. We will cut people out! Stop communicating! Stop talking to loved ones. Whether we live with them, or if we live alone, we will stop calling or avoid calling friends and family. Just so that we do have to face the reality of that dreaded question …“How are you doing?”

We hear that question and if we are not doing well with our food, we will hear… “How are you doing, now that you are not dieting and eating out of control and gaining all that weight and being a complete failure…etc”!

Even though that poor person never said anything like that but that is what we might hear because often those are the tapes we are playing in our own head! That is our we are beating ourselves up already!

Isolation feeds our ability to make our self wrong, to support our terrible feelings of failure! Isolation will do that.

Then the finally kind of “Isolation” is the physical kind.

That is where you will avoid going out, avoid going to family functions, meeting with friends, going shopping, or just going to a movie. You are ashamed, you are tired, you are heavier, etc. etc.!

IF YOU WANT TO WIN THIS BATTLE, IT IS MORE THAN JUST MAKING A SALAD!

If you want to win the battle it is more than just making a salad, you need to make changes! You need to acknowledge you want to withdraw from everything and say, “Okay, I feel this way but I am still going to be a player, even though I do not want to play”!

Isolation means just you and your disease and guess what????? That disease knows how to push your buttons and for the most part …will win over you.

Do not let it win over you any more!

Just recognize that you are trying to Isolate and that is part of your problem.

Yet still get up tomorrow and make that phone call, go out to visit your friend, go to the neighborhood café and socialize, go to the family function…no matter what your weight is today! That number can change either way tomorrow, depending on what you do right…Today!

You are a human being who deserves every break in life! You deserve the chance to enjoy life, to smile. You have paid your dues now you can enjoy a little.

Give yourself permission to smile, laugh, and have a good time. Okay life may be a little “Heavy”. You know what? It could be worse…you know that, just turn on the News.

So remember do not Isolate, it does not help…at all.

Open up those doors, open up your heart, and get out of your head.

Look for some one who loves you and share with them. Play with them. Laugh with them.

Laughter, good medicine…and it is free!

My dear friends, we are in a war to survive but one where there are many battles to be won.

We learn along the way, we learn from each other… I am sharing with you, my brothers and a sister in battle…that Isolation is “Not a good thing”!

Do not be alone! You do not have to be!

You have me, I have you, we have each other!

You have to make it work ……..Go fight for what you deserve!

Have a great day and Never Give UP!

Love

Mike

Cheating

2009-08-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

The dictionary defines cheating as follows: to defraud; swindle; to deceive; to elude; to violate rules or regulations; a person who acts dishonestly.

Wow, after all that we are then suppose to feel good about ourselves and get back on track and do the things that we need to do to live a healthier and fuller life.

Think about it? Here we are doing are best, trying are hardest, whether it is to eat right, stay sober, be positive or just live a healthier life style and then it happens! A bad moment, a bad choice, a bad day, whatever the reasons may be, you may be aware of the reason or you may not, it just happens!

You “Cheat”, then you come to your senses and cannot help but look at what has happened, what you have done and you think to yourself...”I cheated”!

Then the tapes begin to play in your head. Then by definition you are a fraud, swindler, you violate the rules, you are dishonest! You cannot help but hear these tapes in your head. You have been raised your whole life, to know that cheaters are low lives.

Now after that and a host of other guilty feelings, you are suppose to go forward, feel good about yourself, get back “on the wagon” and eat healthy and do healthy things for our self.

Can it be done? It can! Is it easy? No! Must it happen? You bet!

Who else but “you” is going to do it? If not now, when? Are you going to let another day go by? Do more damage to your body, your mind, your heart?

You cannot wait for someone else to make you feel good (it might happen, but there are no guarantees). There is an expression that goes “don’t wait for some one to tell you to wash your face…because then you just might look better than them.”

That is a harsh statement and does not play true in all cases but the point is we cannot wait for others to make us feel good about ourselves.

We have to dig deep inside and find the strength, realize the goodness, the worth inside of our self and begin once again.

It can be difficult, especially when you might have people around that knock you every chance they get, that may have lost faith in you, or are just fed up with you and all the years of you have struggled already.

These are the times when you need to try your hardest.

When that hill becomes a mountain, yet either way, it still needs to be climbed, one more time. You and you alone have to find the strength to take those first steps.

You have to tap into that inner worth, the inner need to succeed, the desire to survive, you have to know that you are worth it!
Life at times is not easy and often the bounce back from “nowhere” seems impossible, but who else but you deserves to be happy.

Do not act has if you might not deserve to be happy, you do!

You are a beautiful creation and deserve to live your life to its fullest.

Therefore, you, I and the rest of us have to fight!

Fight for our well-being, fight no matter what our demons are, no matter how dark they may be. We have to do what we need to do to make it!

If we need help and cannot find it here then we have to look for it there.

We need to do, what we need to do! As hard as it may seem, as alone as we may feel, we need to be able to look inside ourselves first!

We have power! We are strong! We made it this far and we can make it to the top of that mountain.

My friends who are in struggles of all kinds…I say this to you. Hang in there!

Be a little easy on yourself; give a little hug to yourself.

Never quit, never give up!

You are special….very special and you are worth it!

Love
Your Brother in Battle

Mike

Do you need help --To put yourself down?

2009-07-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

I have found through my journey that when I am having my worst times. Those days when I would be eating out of control. When I would be starting every day with the words, “Today is going to be the day I do good” and by sometime soon into that day I will be re-negotiated with myself and committing to, “tomorrow I will start over again”!

Each new day making another new deal and truly wanting to believe it will happen and why not? Do I really need to gain any more weight? Do I really want to jeopardize my health and independence? Do I want to die? No, No, No and definitely No! Yet my clothes get tighter, my pain gets deeper, my legs get weaker and my breath gets shorter. I know then that I am in trouble. I have known along the way that I was in trouble.

I am having enough of a hard time with the battle, just to put two healthy meals together, do I really need any ones help, making me feel worse than I already do, about myself? Do I need a family member, a boss, a colleague, a producer, doctor, stranger or friend coming up to me and asking me or “telling” me that I have gained weight? DUH! I know all about it and I thank you for making (helping) me to feel even better about myself, than I do already! DO WE REALLY NEED THAT KIND OF HELP??

You know I have this theory and I will try to explain it in a short version (because some day it might be in a book form, I hope). Her goes, our disease (our struggle, battle, fight, problem, habit, call it whatever makes you feel comfortable), our disease feeds off negative energy. Whether it may be caused from depression, pressure, nerves, loneliness, anxiety, the past, the present, or the fears of the future, any kind of negative energy, both conscience or unconscious, and we will eat over it.

Each time we eat out of control, it is like those “old locomotives”, we feed the engine with more negative logs (reasons) to keep the “engine” (our) mouth going. We eat, we react to eating and then we eat more.

Then all we need is some one to really mean well (and sometimes not mean well) and try to tell us we have gained weight and maybe they can help!

BOOM!

More logs for that engine and then “FULL SPEED AHEAD”, and eating FRENZY!

I know about intervention and I agree that in the right way and done at the right time with the right set of circumstances it can be helpful but it is a delicate problem and needs delicate handling. The biggest intervention has to come first from within.

We know the people in our lives who are out there who will help us! HOWEVER, we have to make those moves toward them; we have to want to make those moves.

In order to want to help ourselves, and to help ourselves we must be in a POSITIVE state of mind, a positive place!

I f you are angry with yourself, if you hate yourself, then how can you be positive about you???

How can you go through the struggle ahead of you that day, if you do not like the person you are fighting for?

You need to support a positive atmosphere around you, within your life as much as possible.

How? Well, one way is to think about this.

You can hate the act (of overeating) but do not hate the actor.

You can possibly not be thrilled with the physical package when you look in a mirror but love the ingredients.

Do that first my friends and then dealing with the others in your life who say hurtful things will be a little easier. If you think about this…

In the scheme of things, the people who are upsetting you do not really matter! They are not there when you have to make the right choices. They are not with your 24/7 when you have to face your inner most self. Who are these people you give so much power too?

They may people who threaten to fire you, or not be your friend, maybe divorce you or never speak with you again, if, you do not lose weight.

Yet do they have the power to extend your life? Can they give you five or ten more years of living? I doubt it but guess what? You have that power!

You are the one that has to like yourself, and like yourself enough to where no matter what hits you, that it will not matter.

You are going to do well with your next choice!

Therefore the original question was “Do you need help to put yourself down?”

What is the answer? You should know the answer.

The answer is, “No one puts you down! You give no one that power!”
Take the power away from those who hurt you and then …

You have won one more battle!

Each battle we win helps with our personal WAR!

Take back the POWER, take back the CONTROL

Good luck my so” worth while”, “Brother and Sister in Battle”

Good luck my friend

Never give up and so you will never fail!

Love

Mike

Depression

2009-07-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt alone? Have you ever felt as if you wanted to, just scream but for no particular reason. Besides, why bother, who would care or even hear you anyway? Does what seems to be the silliest little reason put you into tears? Does your bed or your living room ever seem like it is the easiest or safest place to deal with “today”?

Sound familiar? You may be depressed! I looked up in the dictionary and among many definitions on “depression”; I would like to share these few:

A depressed or sunken place- sadness; gloom; dejection. A condition of general emotion dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason

Suffering from depression or being depressed… in the past has been an embarrassment and almost like having some terrible social disease.

Times have changed and the time is now and is time to “Get over that”!

Depression is not something to be ashamed of nor is it something to be ignored and “shoved under the carpet”, with hopes it will go away on its own Depression is something that needs to be fought, on every level with everything you got!

This is a time in history, when we as human beings acknowledge whatever is not working and then do what is needed to be done and make it all work for the better!

There is nothing wrong with depression or being depressed except “Staying Depressed”!

I have dealt with depression on many levels throughout my battle and during my re-discovery.

All I do know is, depression is not pretty. It could be very painful, draining and at times destructive. Destructive meaning: non-productive; harmful to relationships; hurtful to oneself; and on many different levels.

In my particular case, I would often find myself asking…

“Do I overeat because I am depressed or “Am I depressed because I overeat”?

This is the “million dollar” question but either way the results of the overeating in the past have not been good for me.

That is why I and I hope anyone who reads this must be willing to take the “Bull by the horns”.
Recognize the enemy! Notice the signs and if you are depressed, then do whatever it may take to get yourself back on track.

I am no professional nor do I pretend to be one but I am a person who knows about depression. I have seen it in its ugliest states.

Besides, I personally like millions of human beings fight to stay positive. Sometimes you may be feeling a little blue and just a new hair do may be the “Pick you up” that you might need. Maybe a phone call to an old friend and a few laughs is just “What the doctor has ordered”.

Sometimes it may take a little more than just that. It may take some professional help…and why not? Are you not worth it? I ask you, is not your life working well, worth anything and everything? If you had a bad cold that you could not “shake” with some over-the-counter medication, you would look to a professional.

So, I ask, why not in this case too?

I know I would do anything, rather than be confined to a bed again for three years or homebound for fifteen years. If it means me admitting, I might need a little extra help and that I am not the one who can fix everything in the world and in my life. That I might need some help. Than let it be!

Depression is an ugly thing! Yet with work, it can be made better. Maybe it will not be cured forever, but for now, you do what you have to. Later, then you do what needs to be done, then too!

As long as you remember at all times, your life is meant to be lived, to the fullest and at the highest quality possible. You must remember that you do whatever needs to be done to make you smile inside your heart. To have peace, within your being.

You must make the effort, to get up out of that bed, if you physically can (so many of our friends physically cannot), get up out of that chair; open up that door or window, take a deep breathe and smile. Smile, then make some good healthy choices today and always remember these four simple but very important words….say them to yourself daily and as often as necessary during the day. Repeat them now…with meaning

I AM WORTH IT! One more time I AM WORTH IT!

Have a great day and do whatever you need to do to make this day, your day!

Love
Mike

The Miracle of Life

2009-06-16T20:14:00.001-07:00

On June 9th, of this year I was honored, proud, and thrilled to be at the hospital, when my daughter-in-law and my son become new parents of a healthy baby boy. In the waiting room along with the mom’s family, was my wife, my 83-year-old mother-in-law and my three-year-old grandson. Four glorious generations, in a waiting room, just waiting for the surprise announcement of whether their was a new Hebranko boy or girl. Then my son came through the elevator doors and the wait was over. My grandson had his little brother, that he was so anxiously waiting for, a new play pal.

Right after the initial emotional outburst from all and my own personal pride, I was feeling for my son and his now family of four. I could not help to think about how beautiful life is truly. A miracle had just happened within that building and my son and daughter-in-law (especially) were part of it. Within minutes, we were able to look through this glass window and I saw him. My grandson, my second grandson. I never had a two. I was an only child, I had an only child and for the past three plus years, I was blessed with one grandchild. Now I had two.

I have lived to see this happen. I could not help think, as I looked at this beautiful little boy how great it was this time, to be a part of this moment. Sadly, at the birth of his brother, I could not be at the hospital. Therefore, I waited at home for a phone call from his dad. That when it did come through, he said to me, “Da, I have a son”!

I also could not help remember how many of my son’s school plays I missed, his little league games that I could not attend. I even missed my own son’s high school graduation.

However, I did not miss this. I was there, live and part of it all. The last brand new baby I had seen born was this little person’s daddy 32 years ago. It was a big difference. Besides me being 32 years younger, his daddy was almost twice his size. My little grandson was a small guy, six pounds eleven ounces. His dad was eleven pounds four ounces. Almost half but just as beautiful and just as cute.

Life is a miracle. At one point I was holding my older grandson (imagine, my older grandson) and the both of us are looking at this newcomer to the world.

I want to wish my grandsons, their mom and dad only happiness and health in life. I hope they always see the glass as half full and look for that silver lining in those clouds….it is there.

Life is a miracle and if you are reading this blog, then you are part of this miracle. Each day we open our eyes and at the end of the day, lay our heads on our pillows, we were part of the “Miracle of Life”.

There were times in my life I did not see grandchild in my future and now I see me dancing at their grandchildren’s wedding.

All things are possible ……

Have a great day and keep smiling
Love,

Mike

Prayer

2009-06-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

I believe in prayer. The power of prayer is probably the most powerful force in the world, the universe. For me prayer is my personal communication with my maker, my lord. To some who are non-believers, they may call prayer; meditation, quite time or whatever they may like.

From a personal point of view, I pray daily. Being raised a Roman Catholic I have my standard prayers (Our “Hail Mary’s”, The “Lords Prayer”, A “Glory Be”, An “Act of Contrition” etc :) but then there is my direct communication, my one on one time, me to the lord.

Today, I found myself alone in the house for a short time and I began to pray. Before I knew it, I was praying aloud as if God was sitting right next to me (and he was). There were no formal words; I thanked him for what I have, for what he has done in my life, and for my life! Then of course, I asked him for things. Health was on the top of that list and not so much for me (although I did not fail to include me on the list) but mostly for my wife, son, daughter in law and the future baby soon to be part of our world and life. Then there were special thanks for my grandson and what a gift he is and to protect him (by now I was in tears).

Before you know it, I was feeling guilty. I didn’t want to leave anyone out, I prayed for my mother in law, my extended family, my friends, my blog buddies, and for even people I didn’t know. I also asked for a few other things….like strength.

I am not posting this to share my prayers or try to convert anyone. What I am trying to say is afterwards I felt, GREAT!

I felt strong, as if a weight was lifted off my shoulder.

Me, I believe it was my direct communication with the “Big Guy”. I highly recommend it. Again, if you are not the spiritual type then just a little alone time and speak out loud, how you feel. Holler if need be, cry out in pain if that is what you are feeling. Crying is not a sign of weakness but rather a way of cleansing of ones mind and spirit.

People have been praying and meditating for trillions (ha) of years. Some call it meditation, some call it prayer, call it what you want to, I just say it is a great experience.

Spending time with yourself, deep time, getting things together, being thankful for the things that have worked (and there is plenty of things that work), verbalizing what you need to have happen, what you want to happen. Being grateful for the things in your life, even the small things, can help one along the path with great power.

Getting yourself in a positive mood and being positive helps in those self-struggles, we all face. So for me, I had a great spiritual morning and wanted to share it with my friends (I must be honest it was not my first). I feel extra good, extra strong and very happy.
Why not share it?

If you are one who prays (or meditates), then I am sure you understand what I am saying and for those who have different beliefs or no beliefs then I just ask you to find some time to spend with you. You will find that you need a little affirmation, forgiveness, and some direction.

Go for it and never ever forget about yourself …in this very complex world!

Have a great day!

Peace of mind and Peace be with you

Love
Mike

Reflections

2009-05-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

I sit here and it is the last day that I live as a fifty-six year old man. Tomorrow I begin my journey on my fifty-seventh year of life. What have I accomplished in 56 years? What have I learned in 56 years?

If you allow me, I would like to take a minute of your time to share some of my life’s lessons. I have learned that there is nothing more important than faith and love. Faith in my God and the love for the life he has given me. I have learned that the important thing is not the material things you accumulate (because they can be gone in an instant) in life, but what are important is the people you get to share your life with and that you meet along the way.

If I remember in my High School Year book, my goal in life was to be rich and I spent a good part of my early time of my life trying to be rich . My problem was I did not know what the meaning of rich was then.

Like so many, I thought “Rich” meant how much money you had and where you ranked in the “Fortune 500”. You know they call money a “Liquid Asset” for a good reason because like a liquid, it can flow in any direction very easily. There was a time when I did not have money and I thought I was “Poor”. I was so wrong. What I did not realize then was with each day I was getting richer and richer.

There was a point that I wooed my life’s mate and married my sweet wife, since then it has been as if my “Dow Jones” has been doubling each day. Some of the priceless “Dividends” has to be my son and now his son and soon to be new baby.

Over these years, I have been able to bank some very important relationships. I have friends of over 40 years and through these years have come across some amazing people who I have become friendly with. I have a cousin who is more like a sister to me and our relationship is very valuable to me. My dad’s sister and her family have been supportive of me through some very difficult times. I love my Aunt Eva and Uncle Steve and pray for their health each day.

Then there are my “In-Laws”, boy do in-laws get a bad rap as far as I am concerned. My wife’s family has adopted me and been by my side through thick and thin. My late father in law was one of my best friends and I miss him dearly. My mother in law is a Saint and I enjoy everyday talking with her and sharing life with her. She is and has been so good to me. My sister-in-laws are great. They have been like sisters to me and to my son! My brother in law was the first to offer me blood when I needed it and for this, I can never forget him. My wife’s Uncle’s and late Aunts ….beautiful people, no other way to describe them and her cousins unique are my cousins too, a true dedicated family, all there for each other. Therefore, what value do I put on that? You can not!

Then as a parent you worry and hope that, your child finds the right mate too. You hope that they are as happy in their relationship as you are in yours. My son brings home a truly wonderful wife, a marvelous mother and a great daughter (in law). Together I know that they will be as happy as my wife and I are …a forever kind of love.

Blessed family, good friends what else is there? Well there is more.

I have been a man who has lived in fear of his life for over 40 years. Since I was 16, I have felt that I was going to die (mostly because professionals have told me so). Long-life was not in my future. I spent many a day living (and eating) as if it was the last day on earth. Seriously, I use to go to bed with five or six ham and cheese sandwiches thinking if I was going to die, I ought to die with a full stomach (is that not the reasoning of someone with a disease?).

Thirty-five years ago tonight I swore I was going to go to bed and not wake up on my Twenty-First Birthday because I was sworn to that I would never live to my 21st Birthday if I didn’t lose weight.

I sit here now and I will begin my 56th year tomorrow. Am I sounding like “ha-ha” I beat all the odds? Oh no, forgive me if I sound that way. I am a grateful human being. I am thankful to many people; and on the top of that list are my wife and son, my special doctors and her colleagues, Richard, my friends and my family. Two other special thanks. One is to me because with all the help and all the support I have gotten, no one goes through the battle daily, minute by minute but me and little pat on my back is well deserved once in awhile. Then on top of the list is God, I am so thankful to God for giving me this time. Can I say to God, “God bless you” God because I am so grateful.

Therefore, I get this time to reflect on the important things in life. Yes, numbers were always a big thing in my life. How much money I had, how much did I weigh, how much did I lose or gain? Now numbers are not so important. Lifestyle is more important. I cannot take numbers with me to the next world.

My health is important, the quality of my life is important and the people in my life are important.
Thank you Mommy and Dad for the life you have given me and even though you may not be here with me on this earth, you live so strongly in my heart and mind.

What have I accomplished? I have been a loving husband and father and grandpa and one grateful human being! I have accomplished a lot! I have lived my High School Dream , I am a rich man, a very rich man!!

Therefore, my friends on my Birthday I give to you this gift of “reflections” and ask you too to reflect on exactly what is important to you. What are the things you can do today that will be with you tomorrow and not just for a passing moment?

Have a great day tomorrow and for many tomorrows to come…
Happy day to you
Love
Mike

Not Easy To Pick Yourself Up …But Necessary

2009-04-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Probably one of the most difficult things in the world is admitting to yourself (and sometimes others) that you have made a mistake. You goofed! Call it what you want, you may say you slipped, you fell off the wagon, you cheated, you had a bad day, whatever but I have learned two things in my journey. The first thing is not to ever say to myself that I have Failed! No no no, Failure is not an option!

Failure only exists, only when you stop trying! My feeling is as long as God gives me the gift of life, then I will do my utmost to make the best of it. I have to try to do my best (I sound like the Boy or Girl Scouts), for myself because the “carrot” for that effort is a better and longer quality of life. Do I not deserve it? Sure I do and so do you!

We are here for a fixed period of time. We are not meant to suffer in our lives. Certainly, we are not meant to be harmful to ourselves. You and I should take advantage of every moment we have. We all deal with different problems and situations and I know at times they can become overwhelming. Yet as soon as we snap to reality and at the next available moment we can, we need to take the “ball” we have be given and “run” with it. For some of us that “run” might be just a walk or just a way to deal with it.

In my life, my constant issues have been weight related and dealing with the struggles of eating healthy and taking care of myself on a daily basis. My “disease” has taken its toll on me. I have had my “ups and downs” and yes, I do not weigh 198 pounds as I did in September of 1990 but I am still not a failure (even though some may see me as one). I have not failed and why because I have not given up! I have never stopped trying.

I fought to survive for over twenty years. I have slipped, slid, fell, bumped, backslid, and binged myself up and down hundreds and hundreds of pounds but I never failed. There was not a day that I thought that there was not any hope left for me. There was not a day, a moment that I was not willing to try and try again, even it meant to start all over again!

I am eating healthier today than I have in many of my past days. I pray that I will continue to make the right choices and if there may come a moment when I will slip again; I pray that I will have the chance to try again. Hey, life is too good, not to want to make the best of it. Fourteen years ago, I was bedbound and I knew that I wanted to survive; I knew I had to keep fighting. I knew I had things to live for and I knew that there was more ahead.

Look what my life is now. I am a Grandpa! A completely new chance to love a completely new life. To share in the energy of God’s gift of new life! I did not know then that this is what was in store for me now as I do not know now what might be in store for me tomorrow…just let me go the way!

I have said I have learned two things along my journey and one being is not to ever say I have failed as long as I am trying. The other one is simple and an obvious one but it took me a little longer to learn and to accept. That is that I am “Human”. Yep, human, in all its glory and all its meaning.

In being human, I have realized that we are not perfect in the fact that we make mistakes by nature. Once I can accept that about myself then I will not be so darn hard on myself. Boy can we be hard on ourselves. Isn’t it funny we can be patient with the whole world, we can forgive so many people in our lives that have hurt us, time and time again but when it comes to forgiving ourselves ... ??

That has been the hardest lesson to learn in my new life, yet it has been one of the best and it has been one of my most useful tools! Self-forgiveness a better tool, the primary tool before any “Diet”, Food Program”, Exercise Regiment”, “Calorie Calculator” “Pedometer” or any other tool or gimmick one may use.

Learning to forgive you is such an important and necessary step in being a Winner! If we have the gift of forgiveness for others than it is about time to give it to ourselves.

It is “Not easy to pick yourself up, when you have fallen of the righteous path of living a healthy lifestyle. After days, weeks, months of eating the right foods, making the right choices, doing the healthy things then BOOM, a moment comes and you “Goof”. Sometimes those “Goofs” last a long time and do a lot of damage and picking yourself up, brushing yourself off and starting all over again may not be easy but it is “Necessary”!

Why because you are necessary…

Have a great day

Never give up

Love
Mike

Take Back That Power…

2009-03-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

Do they like me? What will he think? I wonder what is she saying? I hope they agree!
How often have we or do we play these tapes inside our own heads? How many times in our lives do we look for the approval of others before we think we can be happy?

Then when we do not get what we expect, why do we give our self, permission to do some kind of self-destructive behavior. Something to make ourselves feel even worse. In many of our cases, it will lead to some kind of binge or even worse, we fall off the wagon and reverse many hours of hard work.

There are those times that people in our lives not only never give you that “Pat on the Back” but often cut you in half with some harsh words. We are human and no matter what size we are, no matter how much flesh we may have on our bones. We still feel! We still hurt! We are sensitive people with real feelings and we are not protected from pain, either physical or emotional.

The thing is it will be an almost impossible task to change those people and get them to stop hurting us (although we can try). What is more important? What will work a lot more easily is to …

TAKE AWAY THEIR POWER! Take away their power to hurt you. Let us face it is you that have given them such power! You allow them to hurt your feeling, for their opinions to count so very much. Now is the time for you to take ownership back.

No one should have such power over you, as to where a remark or lack of one, would turn your whole life upside down!

Change has to happen. As many of us know, taking off the weight often is not as difficult as keeping it off. Keeping it off is a whole project, which involves many changes…external and internal. Someone hurting us does not help our metamorphosis.

You are who you are and people who care bout you, who love you, who count just need to accept you the way you are. Now if there are things about your personality, your character, your being that you want to change…then you will add that to the list of inventory changes about you …and work on them.

In the meantime, you are here in this world first to make you the person that you like.
In order for you to change you have “to first be who you is and not who you isn’t because if you is who you isn’t you just isn’t who you is.”

I always say we can always change the packaging (our outside) but we have to like the ingredients first. We really do not need many unsolicited outside opinions. We usually have enough about ourselves.

The changes we need to make require a lot of positive energy around us and we need to be in as positive a mood as possible.

Do not give the power to others to drag you down!

Take Back That Power

You Are Worth It!

Have a wonderful day and never forget how very special you are…

Love
Mike

Birthday

2009-02-27T10:39:00.000-08:00

I personally know people who probably stopped reading this blog right after they read the title of this positing. There are people who actually hate birthdays, but do they? Is it that they hate birthdays or just what they represent, and what they fear?

What is it that a birthday actually represents? A birthday represents a celebration of the anniversary of a miracle of somebody’s life. A continuation of this life.
Whether an easy year free of problems and pain, or one that was filled with trials and tribulations. The point is that it was a success, we are here to talk about it and we get a chance to keep going on.

I personally love birthdays and I hope that I and the people that I love have as many birthdays as possible.

Tomorrow (February 28th ) is a very special (Birthday) for me. In 1953 on this day, a star shined down from the heavens over a little town called Brooklyn, New York and born to a kind couple was this beautiful little girl. A little girl, one with the warmest and kindest heart in the world. A little girl who grew into a woman who knows how to love purely.

A lifetime friend, a partner and a wife, one who has been dedicated through the good and the rough times. One who defines the terms “in good times and in bad”.

Happy Birthday to my wife, Madelaine.

I dedicate this positing to my wife Madelaine on the anniversary of her birth. I would not be the man I am without her, my soul mate.

Madelaine is the salt to my pepper, the left to my right, the up to my down, the in to my out. She makes life so much enjoyable.

One of the things I love best about her is when I get annoyed at something she has done (believe me we know each other for over 43 years so we can annoy each other at times), I am ready to be angry with her. Then I hear her voice, she looks at me in a certain way and she melts me. I forget what I am angry about, she makes me laugh and then we go on.

Each night I go to bed thinking I could not possibly love this woman any more than I do this day and then I wake up the next morning and I love more than I loved her yesterday …. I look forward to tomorrow.

Madelaine has been by my side through my worse times but through all our years, we have had fun! Even through the darkest and heaviest (no pun) of times, we have tried to laugh as much as possible, find the humor in many situations and she has been a main force behind my strength.

She is also the greatest teacher I have had in my life. She is probably the smartest woman (person), I know. Her wisdom is superior. She has taught me to be who I am and not who I am not. She has taught me that she is not in this world to live up to my expectations, nor am I in this world to live up to hers, among many other great, wonderful and powerful things.

She has helped me to realize my relationship with God. She has taught me the true meaning of family. She teaches through example.

Madelaine is a giant among us and sets an example to me and many of us, on just how to live. If she has any weaknesses, it is not knowing how to say “NO”.

Not an evil bone in her body, no hardness in her heart but she would not want everyone to know that. So shhhh, do not tell anyone she is a softy.

I am the luckiest man to have lived and to have been matched with Madelaine.

Birthdays? I love birthdays, especially February 28th.

Happy Birthday my Boot, I love you privately, publicly, timelessly, now and forever.

Thank you my friends for allowing me to use this space to pay tribute to a very special soul.

We all need to appreciate life around us…
our loved ones, and our own.

Birthdays are not to be scared of but rather to be appreciating of…life itself!

Have a great day, have a great life!

Love
Mike

Love

2009-02-13T19:07:00.000-08:00

Wars have been fought, people have died, all over this simple but complicated “four” letter word … LOVE! Throughout time, people have proclaimed their love for their gods, for God, for their countries, for their fellow man, for nature and for each other. Love has become a very deep involved word and often a misused one. Love is said to come on all levels and all forms. There is the love you have for a parent, which is not the same as the love you have for a spouse. Nor is the love of a spouse the same as a love for a child. Then we love our children differently than we love our grandchildren. We have love for our close friends, which is nothing like we have for our neighbor next door, and the love for our neighbor next door is not quite the same as the love we have for our neighbors across the ocean.

Why have we complicated such a simple beautiful thing, like love? Boy, as human beings we can certainly “take simple and make it complicated”.

Anyone have an animal or a newborn baby? Watch how innocent and pure their love is for you. I had a physical therapist once who use to say all the time “Love is Love”!

When you think of it, how true is that statement? Love is just that …love! If we kept it simple, pure and true then love at its simplest form would be the same all around. How we express our love, how we practice our love to our spouses, parents, children, friends, families and acquaintances is different and should be different …of course it is. Yet the foundation is the same. A bonding, a respect, closeness, a oneness a feeling that cannot really be put in to human terms because it is a feeling beyond full human comprehension.

If we think of love like an onion (nice analogy) and peel it away layer by layer in the center of our love for all things, for all people must be the simplest of all loves.

Yet on the other hand, it is the kind of love, which gives most the biggest problem of all. What is that you might ask?
That kind of love is “Self-Love”!

Self-Love is at the core of true love. How do we begin to love, if we cannot love ourselves? Oh, I can hear the roar out there and read the emails already …relax. I hear you and I have been where many of you think you are.

There was a time when I knew I loved my wife and adored my son but I would swear there was no self-love for me. I would have argued that I could love others without loving myself …but I was wrong!

I was wrong, not in the fact that I loved my wife and son of course I loved them, I was wrong in the fact of loving myself. I did love myself, I always loved myself and not in a narcissistic way but in way that love counts. The caring, the important way.

The problem was it was so long since I felt hope, so long since I really did anything good for myself, so long since I showed myself any love that I actually forgot that I did love myself.

The fact is we all love ourselves, we may forget that at times, sometimes for very long period. So long of periods that we think it is the truth …we do not love our selves but we do!

What one needs to do is something to spark that Self-Love. Something that really counts.

It is okay to love yourself; it is not selfish to have “Self-Love”. A little more “Self-Love” might help you to be happier, healthier and live better.

Allowing me to love me has been a positive thing. It has given me the strength to not give up, wanting to live, to want to be a part of the lives of those I love. Allowing me to love myself just intensifies and secures the love I have for all in my life.

“Love is Love” and let it begin with you.

Have a happy and loving day

Love
Mike

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T13:56:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here having lunch with the new President of the United States of America. The only thing is he is at the capital in the Capitol having his lunch eating seafood and some kind of duck and I am in my living room having a fat free cheese wrap with plain sundried tomatoes and honey mustard.

Yet you cannot watch the beauty of the smooth change of power and the majesty of this historical event, without appreciating a philosophy that I have been living by for many years. This is that “All things are possible ….and that as long as there is life there is hope!

Now I do not use nor do I wish to use this blog page as a political platform and I try not to express my personal preferences but today I am an American and a proud one …as always. As a human being, I am so hopeful for both you and me personally. We all have our battles, our inner battles, often we have some victories, and sometimes we do not do as well.

Yet “All things are possible ….you just have to believe, not give up hope, never give up and never stop fighting! This inner faith has to give you an inner fire that is always burning. Sometimes the flame may be a little lower than other times, this is normal but the “flame of life” never goes out as long as we have life itself.

We have to fan our own “inner flames”. When all is said and done, it is I; it is you that has to fight ….today. We have to do the one thing positive for our self today. It may be making a healthier lunch choice, doing something physical, making a doctors appointment, healing a relationship, anything that in the end will help your life work better.

By the way if you do not think that one healthier choice for lunch does not make a difference let me tell you, those lunches add up and combined with a good breakfast, balanced dinner and the right kind of physical activity…it matters! Those pounds will come off and if done it the right way and the lifestyle changes are made for the better can only hope and pray and fight each day to stay healthy and continue to move forward in our life and dreams!

Today we witnessed a man who has followed his dream and the dreams of millions both present and past. On a greater scale we have seen that “All things are possible”, and in our own personal lives we must always remember that hope lives and we as individuals are powerful, we can change. Change is in the air and let it begin within ourselves.

Good luck my friends, brothers, and sisters in battle, the light of hope shines upon us all.

Good luck to our new President, good luck to all of us as citizens of the United States, members of the human race, and with our personal daily lives.
Good health, good attitude and do not give up hope because “All Things Are Possible …if you believe!
Love
Mike

Resolution

2009-01-03T12:18:00.000-08:00

One of the definitions when looked up in the dictionary of “Resolution” is -- “the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose. I personally like the part that states “firmness of purpose”.

Come the New Year, how many of us in the past, have made a resolution (usually to go on a diet), and within days, realize we have not stuck to that “New Resolution”. Then we just feel guilty about it and it does not make us feel good about ourselves, and here we go into a vicious circle once again.

It is a New Year and New Beginning a New Chance to take advantage of a situation. What situation, you may ask? The situation that you, have an opportunity, to participate in the “game of life”! Your game of life! This is a wonderful gift for both you and me.

I for one will not be making “Traditional Resolutions” this year (I have not for the past few years). I will re-visit and reinforce my “Firmness of Purpose”. I will encourage in myself the things that have been working and I will look at the things in my life (as I do on a regular basis) those things that need to be adjusted. I do not wait until New Years to change my life. As I proceed through the adventure of living, I will adjust along the way, as I need to.

I will build on my strengths and acknowledge, accept and improve on my imperfections. My purpose as I go along my life’s path is to take advantage, absorb and enjoy the things in life that are meant to be. Then what we need to fix …we fix!

Therefore, for this New Year, for 2009, I affirm to reaffirm my, purpose and that is to, Go through my life and live it to the best of my ability. I know what I know. I am willing to learn and if need be make adjustments. I acknowledge what has been working for me in the past and what has not worked for me. Is there room for improvement? In case I have any doubt, I can always ask my wife or son, they always seem to have a list of things for me.

Seriously, living is the greatest experience I know, everything else is second best.

Some poor desperate soul wrote on my comments section of the blog, the other day, something to the effect that she basically did not care if she lived on. My heart wept for her. I knew her pain, her desperation, possibly her anger, fear, and tiredness. All I did know is that I was frustrated. Frustrated, that I could not take her in my arms, give her a big hug and tell her to “Hang on there, within time it will be better, much better”! I personally know what it feels like when you think that there are no answers but believe me, “Oh God, believe me, that is so wrong! There are answers, there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is life beyond today. Unbelievably much of our solutions comes from within….it does! Life is a gift and not one for us to take lightly. My prayers are with my sweet “blog friend” and I hope that she and any of us who may feel the way she does at some point in our life, just search out help …wherever it may come from. There is no shame in taking care of you. Good luck to her!

Now for 2009, my purpose, my “Firm Purpose” is to continue to take care of myself. No specific resolutions for me. Nothing written down on paper or in my mind that might say, “By March 1st I want to lose 18 pounds”. Then March 1st comes and I lost only 16.5 pounds and then I am a failure. No way! I am not playing that game.

My “Firm Purpose” is in 2009, is to do things that make me feel better, physically, mentally and spiritually. That is what is good for me. Feel better about me! Be happier, content, and peaceful.

I want to take this opportunity to thank all my friends for visiting our blog page and hope you continue to visit on a regular basis. Maybe if you have not in the past, you might even contribute a comment, we would love to hear from you.

I also want to not miss the chance to wish all of you, your friends and loved ones a most joyous and healthy New Year. I hope that 2009 is a year that is filled with peace, joy and happiness to you.

A “Great Purpose” for all in 2009

Love Mike

Tow the line in 09

The Perfect Gift

2008-12-19T12:29:00.000-08:00

I truly appreciate the reason for this season and it never leaves my heart or mind.

Yet to so many of us “gift giving and receiving” has become such a big part of these holidays. What is the perfect gift? Think about it!

Well if I ask my three-year-old, grandson it could be anything from “Transformers”, to Batman, Pirates or the last thing he has seen on Television or in the aisles of the toy stores. Why not, he is three and if Christmas is not about children and babies and new and young lives, then what is it about? As a grandpa there is no immediate better gift I can receive than seeing your grandchild or child happy. So for kids, give them things and they are thrilled.

Then if you ask almost any person who has battled with and who has suffered from obesity they will tell you that, “The perfect gift would be to be thin and look like (this movie star or personality). I want to have a beautiful body forever and not have to worry about gaining weight”. Now now you know that this is a true wish’s of so many. We look for that perfect image rather than a lifestyle. This is often why many of us fall short of our dreams.

Some of us want things! Real material like things. As we get older, the list of the kind of things we want may change. For example; First it is toys, such as dolls, G.I. Joe’s, Tinker Toys, Slinky. Then we get a little older and we want games. Games such as, “Mystery Date”, “Monopoly”, “Stratego”, Chess and the list goes on. We become teenagers and maybe we might add to our list of the “Perfect Gifts”; the “Girl on the next block”; or the “Boy next door”. When we get older the list gets more serious. We want Cars, houses, diamonds, trips all kinds of Things, Things Things!!

One of the “things” on my Christmas list is this “Teeth Whitening” system. My wife wraps it up for me and on Christmas, I open it in front of my family and I make a big fuss over it. I then realize everyone around me is laughing, why you may ask? The reason is that this is the same exact gift she gave me last year, and the year before that, and the year before that and so on, for the past ten years. I keep asking for this same gift, I get it, never use it, she puts it aside until next year and I forget about it and she “re-gifts” it to me over and over again.

Things! You want them, sometimes you get them, you might even use them, sometimes you do not use them. They may wear down, you may get bored with it, it might break or become out dated. They are just things. The point is, as we get older, how many “things” do we need?

Rarely by Christmas, do I really need anything, that I have not gotten by then. Now, do not get me wrong. I love to give gifts! I love to give gifts, to people I love. To my grandchild, oh to see his face, to see his joy and hear his excitement is priceless.
I love to give to those who may be in need this year (to charities). I enjoy giving to my family, my son and daughter in law, my wife, my friends.

This is how I get my gifts, by bringing a smile to someone’s face...but I do have a “Perfect Gift” list.

The perfect gift(s) for me this year? I will tell you.

First (I know it sounds corny) is ‘World Peace’. Call me selfish but I want to see the people of the world to be able to live together and in harmony. I want people to be able to travel and to be able to go shopping, without worrying, about being blown up. I want to see countries live as neighbors, as they should.

Then my next perfect gift would be health! The gift of health to my wife, to my daughter in law, my son, my grandson and whoever ever may come into my immediate family in the near future.
I want good health for my mother in law, and the rest of my family and friends. Right now, I want a little extra special gift of health to a very dear special friend of ours, who needs it and I believe will get it.

Another perfect gift for me of course would be for me this year to be able to continue in personal growth and once again newfound freedom. My ability to go out in public. To be able to accompany my wife occasionally and to participate in life and basically be a player once again rather than a spectator. I want to be able to continue to face my demons head on (food and other demons) and often, very often come out victorious.

My last gift on my “Perfect Gift List” this year would be serenity! A continued growth of serenity in my overall being. Serenity around me and in the lives of people that matter so much to me. Serenity in the Universe, in my Universe. Serenity is followed by a certain special happiness and happiness is very nice. .

So there it is! That is my personal, “Gift List” my so called, “Wish List”. So if you see these gifts “on line” or on special at Wal-Mart or Target, just drop me a note.

Gifts are nice to give and receive and it is fun to share in the joy of giving and receiving. Yet in my opinion, the best gifts are not physical things you can buy in a store.

The best gifts …you get from special places.

You now know what my four perfect gifts are. What about you?

What are your perfect gifts? Share your thoughts with us …

To all my dear special friends who visit this blog page

Please have a joyful, peaceful, fun filled, happy and healthy holiday and New Year

Love to you and your loved ones

Mike

Holidays

2008-11-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

I received an email the other day from a wonderful woman who has recently lost well over 100 pounds. She had written to me that she has been having a little problem lately (as many of us could certainly relate too). I wrote back to her and tried to encourage her to keep going, what was happening to her was a normal thing and this is the time not to fall deeper into negative state of mind. My friend then in return, wrote back to me, she said that she was “under a lot of stress in her life right now and that she would start after the holidays and begin with a “New”, New Years Resolution”! Oh! I felt an arrow go right through my heart as I read those words!

It sounded so familiar, I have heard that from so many people over the years and even worse, I have told myself that exact thing several years over my life.

Do you know how much damage I can do to myself from now until January 1st? Do you know how many pounds and inches I could add to my body, how much pressure to my heart, legs, and organs, I could place on myself? How much overall damage I can do to my health in general? Do we have any idea any much weight is gained over this period of time with that kind of thinking?

That kind of thinking, in my opinion, is the “Disease Talking”. That is the sick part of our brain, giving us permission, rationalizing with us to wait. Sure, my dear friend (who emailed me) has stress in her life and I certainly know when there is stress the last thing you feel like doing is eating healthy. Yet when we start rationalizing and giving ourselves permission to not pay attention to what we eat and just eat without boundaries, well then we are in trouble! It is going to take a lot of energy and maybe a tragedy to get back on track. Besides if, we wait for a stress free life….. Well when will that be?

My friends the Holidays are great times and they should be but they are actually only three or 4 days and maybe a party thrown in here or there. Six days is not 40 days or 25 days of uncontrolled eating. Part of your celebration, of your holidays may be with some traditional (fattening) dishes. Okay, eat some, have a taste, a normal portion. The trick is just for that day!

Do not celebrate the holidays with the leftovers for the next 6 weeks and then suffer for the rest of the year trying to undo the damage.

Besides, if you plan you actual days meals (with the extras) and you stick to it pretty much (and if need be include your sweets) then two things will happen.

First of all, you are almost taking out insurance that you will have a good chance of being around next year to enjoy it all over again.

The second thing is an immediate HIGH! You will feel so much better with yourself the next day when you have stuck to your plan.
Then come January 2nd when the whole world gains 20 to 100 pounds you may actually gain less or maybe even nothing! WOW, can you imagine that!

What better gift can you give yourself than that! Do you not deserve it? I think so!

Therefore, make this Holiday a real special one for you.

I wish you and all your loved ones all the best, I will have you in my prayers and please keep me in yours.

Love
Mike

Ps
If for some reasons one of your plans do not work out one day (one meal), do not give up! Do not wait another month another day! Make a new plan and stick to it! You can do it!
You are a winner!

The Happiest Moment In My Life …

2008-11-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days (since Election Day), I have heard this expression all over the News and from many of my friends. “It was the happiest moment in my life”! I too have to admit that no matter what my political belief might be, no matter whether I am a Democrat, Republican, Independent, etc. That at 11pm eastern standard time on election night, when Barack Obama, was declared the winner and the 44th President elect of the United States of America a “certain feeling” came over me. I was proud to see that America was able to look beyond and be able to judge “by the content of ones character …”, for me it was an emotional moment. I could understand the feeling of so many Americans who were filled with such pride and a feeling of accomplishment and a kind of completion of centuries of hardships and battles. So many of them, saying that this is, “The Happiest Moment of Their Lives”.

I began to think about that, what was the happiest moment in my life? The truth, is there is something wrong with me but I cannot pick just one. It changes, some even overlap others …for example.

I would say the first happiest moment in my life is probably one I do not remember. That would be the day I was born and the moment the doctor smacked my “Butt” and I began to cry. I took my first breath and wow even though I was crying I was thrilled to be alive. This was a happy moment!

The next happiest moment of my life came when I was 16 years old (just before my 17th birthday), I came home from school and my Mom was holding the mail in her hand (of course it was opened, there was no privacy under her roof), there it was, I passed my road test and I got my drivers license. I was so excited that I yelled out something like, “Oh sh_t”! The one and only time my Mom ever heard me say any off words! She was sure to remark about it later that day!

Okay going on through my life I would have to say the next happiest moment in my life was the moment that my Madelaine said, “yes, we should get married”! I was driving my car at the time and I had to stop it. I got out and I literally danced around outside in joy! This is one of those moments that have not stopped giving. One happiness has led to another!

For example, the next happiest moment in my life is when my wife broke the news to me that I was going to be a “Daddy”. Me, a father, could you imagine that. Then ….

My next happiest moment is …you guessed it, the moment my son was born. I held this little life in my arms, part of me, I was responsible for him and it was all my pleasure. The joy was overwhelming, my emotions, were uncontrollable. This was the beginning of a lifelong love festival that to this day (31 years later) has not stopped. I am sure at times if my son had his way he would say “Da, back off a bit”! I am so bad, I smother him sometimes, I know. His whole life brought me so many happy days and then approximately 27 years after his birth …

BOOM! Another happy moment for me!

The birth of my Lil Ga Ga (my grandson). I do not know if it is that I am older and I appreciate things more but the day he was born was thrilling. Then the first day I saw him and now every single time I see him is my happiest moment. I just saw him dressed in a pair of “little devil” pajamas and Oh my goodness. All I could say is, if the “Devil” were so cute, the world would be a much better place.

My grandson brings me such joy and I am so happy that I have had this opportunity to be in the world this very moment.

So, I wish the current President Elect all the best of luck and I hope he has all of our best wishes and prayers. Whoever would have won would have had a tough job ahead of them. There are rough days ahead and President Barack will need all our support right now.

As for me, I am grateful for the elections, it has given me an opportunity to take a look at my “happiest moments in my life” and how lucky I really am.

I look at my luckiest moments from a personal perspective and

Although I do not consider Tuesday as my luckiest moment of my life, it certainly has made me feel lucky to be an American.

By the way, when were your happiest moments?

Share some with us

Have a great day

Have a happy moment

Love

Mike

WHEN IS THE TIME FOR CHANGE?

2008-10-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

There is no better time than NOW! Does that sound cliché’, it might but sometimes the simplest. the obvious… is the best!

People have emailed me and often have asked, “Mike, how did you know, when the time was right”? “When do you start? I think I will start tomorrow”? They will say.

Well in my experience, those tomorrows rarely start 24 hours from then. Usually they start a week later, a month later, several months later and often 20, 50 or 100 pounds later. Therefore, the battle is that much more difficult, the guilt is that much deeper and our health is that much more at risk.

When is the time for change? Well when the change that one is thinking about is taking care of themselves, eating healthier, doing more physical activity for the betterment of their lives, then what better time is there than NOW!

What is the delay? Oh, I have said it all and rationalized it all to myself, and others. Things such as, “I have been eating terrible all day, so I will start tomorrow. Before I begin I have to first eat some of my favorite cake, or pizza etc”. What about this one, “oh the holidays are coming (next month), I will start after them”.

Do I have to tell anyone how much damage I can do to myself from now until the holidays, do not even ask! These are just excuses that I have used. What I should have said in the past was, “I am not ready yet. I am scared! I do not have the faith in myself. I do not have the strength right now to try again”! At least these would have been more honest. At least with those answers there would be a little less guilt attached.

When is the right time for the battle of your lifetime? Well, if we wait, for every “duck” to be in line, and for “the moon to be in the seventh house”, then for Jupiter to align with Mars. If we wait, for the sun to be shinning, and for everything to be just “perfect”, before we begin dieting, well, and then guess what? We might as well take those first three letters in the word “Diet” …because that is what is going to happen a lot sooner. We cannot wait no longer! NOW is the time!

The truth is we can take this philosophy of “NOW” and apply to many things in our lives and not just eating healthier. Sometimes as human beings, we think things out tooooo long!

Do not get me wrong, the thought process is a good one, it is healthy and necessary but we have to know when we have to stop thinking and begin doing!

When, it comes to our health and making changes in our life, our lifestyle, and our eating habits, etc: The time when we are thinking about the question, “When is it a good time? Then the answer is ….NOW is a great time!!
I have become a NOW person over the past few years, when it comes to me. I remember back about three years ago, I had already been out of rehab, for a few months and having problems (with food). I said to me, “self, you are in trouble”.
I thought for a second, “I should be back in rehab.”, and with the support of my wife and family, I went back.

I believe that decision then, is responsible for my current quality of life, which I have Now. Even though, overall my life, is a conglomerate of positive attitudes, decisions, luck, support and blessings, that particular decision then, has been a key one for me Now!

I know if I would have procrastinated and thought about going back into rehab over a period of time. I would have had many more months pass under my belt along with many more pounds, added on my waist and who knows if I would have even lived throughout that “thought process”.

The things I would have missed. This renewed time with my wife (who is my best life-long friend and soul mate) has been enchanting. I wait each day for her to come home from work, even if it is to just to look in her eyes for a few moments, share some words of each of our day’s events and then watch a little television together. The things we are able to do together once again. If I did react to my thoughts then at the moment, I may not have gotten to enjoy my grandson as “Captain Hook”, “Dracula”, “Woody” or “Peter Pan” whom ever he may finally decide to be for this Halloween. My daughter in law is so good with him, she is so clever, and when it comes to these costumes, she puts her personal touch, he looks so authentic, and needless to say, so adorable, I could just “eat him up”!

I laugh, when I was a kid, if I was lucky enough to have an official costume, it was one of those “Ben Cooper” brand skeleton, devil, super hero costumes and we only had one. I hated them, oh, man! I was too big and the seams would rip usually as soon as I put them on. Then the elastic band around the mask would always snap because my head was too big. Yet I loved trick or treating ….free candy. In the fifties and sixties our parents did not have to screen our candy, we were allowed it all, and the pennies went to UNICEF!

If I procrastinated my decision to return to rehabilitation, I would have missed so much life, so much love, and so much fun. There would have been no Disney, this past month. No holidays, I would have missed my grandson’s birthday or my son reaching his 30th birthday and then some.

No, I spent many hours, many days, many months and years, thinking about it!

The thing that changed my life was my thought process and that was …

When the thought came to me, it was the time to react!

So when is the time for change in your life?… HOW ABOUT NOW!?
Change is good ….for the most part.

Good luck and have a great day and never stay in one place….

Love
Mike

Ps
Share some of your thoughts and experiences on change with us; we would love to hear from you.

A Whole New World

2008-10-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

There is that beautiful Disney song from Aladdin that goes “I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder, over, sideways and under, on a Magic Carpet Ride …..”

Well over the last eight days’ I was taken on a “Magic Carpet” ride! I experienced a phenomenal, magical, miraculous event. Let me put it this way in one word ….”Disney”! Me, Mike Hebranko, talk about dreams, all things possible. I went onto a jet plane and flew two and a half hours to the “Disney World”.

Imagine, just a little over 12 years ago I was being lifted (by forklift) out of the “cut out front” of my home in Brooklyn, being rushed to a hospital to save my life. At over 900 pounds then was there even a thought of a future vacation in my mind…….I am not sure of vacation was on my mind but a future was definitely in my heart. No matter what 12 years later I was now, being lifted once again (only this time with 150 other people) on a jet and heading to Florida.

It was so special and delightful. My emotions were on overtime from the get go! I was experiencing joy, happiness, pleasure, love, fun, some fear, anxiety and much thankfulness! My wife and I were blessed enough to accompany my son, his dear wife, some other family and friends and “My Grandson”!!! Oh even in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined (12 years ago or 12 months ago) that I would be at “Disney” with my grandson!

What better pleasure could there be than to see the “love of your life’s” face, light up with every new turn, with every attraction, or every character they came across. To go to “Disney” at 55 years old is a youthful, invigorating time but then to go with your grandchild is heavenly. To see his eyes, his face, to know his heart is filled with just joy is very soothing and euphoric.

If I would have given up in 1996, or not re-entered rehab in 2006 or not picked myself up each time I have fallen. If I would have gotten so fed up with myself to say “the heck” with it all and just “throw in the towel” and had given up…well just look at what I would have missed.

It was not easy for me to have this vacation happen. I am still over 350 pounds and limited in my physical movement. As many of you know, I am a very lucky and a very blessed man! I have a great support team around me.
There was a group of us on this vacation ranging in age from three to 83 years old.

The logistics of planning and arranging for everything and in particular for my special needs was gigantic and an almost an impossible task. That is why I want to publicly (I have privately already) thank my wife, and family, for all their help and assistance. A special mention, to my son, for all of his attention and help that he gave to me. Then to my sister-in-law, who was key in making this trip happen and for all her kindness and a very warm heart. Then to a very special friend who has gone beyond for all of us and especially for me. Susan along with Andrea, spent months planning, making calls, reservations, arranging for my special scooter, handicap room, plane accommodations and so many other details, I personally will always and forever be thankful for them being such an intricate part of my “dream come true”. Neither of these two young people are my blood relatives but they did so much for me and put up with so much from me. They give so much and get so little in return ….Andrea thanks ……Susan, what can I say but that I am grateful and if I at anytime might have seemed unappreciative please forgive me!

The world has changed and it has been a long time since I was out there and part of this “Whole New World”. It is different. I am not use to all of it. Sometimes I literally feel as if I came from a different planet. Sometimes it is a little overwhelming. Sometimes it can be a little scary. Things are done differently, faster. There are times as if I felt I was “Rip Van Winkle” ….well all I can do, all I will do is rub my eyes, stretch my arms, wake up and be thankful that I am getting the opportunity to be part of this world!

I played with my grandson, I went on rides, and I saw Mickey, kissed Minnie, hugged Pluto and took a million pictures. We ate at different restaurants and I ate normally. I did not binge, I did not stuff, I made many healthy choices for example 99% of my dessert choices were fresh fruit, I ate a lot of turkey and chicken but I was relaxed. I was not crazy about what I was gong to eat or not gong to eat. “Where would I cheat”, how would I do it, etc? In the past while I was away this would always a big part of my time. This time I went with the crowd.

Oh, I will not be true to you or myself, if I do not tell you that I fought many internal battles while away and yes, I noticed every food stand along the way… but it was okay. I allowed my feelings to surface, the battles I took on and I was victorious. At times, there might have been a few casualties along the way (for example: my friends and family). I realize when I am fighting one of these internal battles, if sometimes a poor, innocent person crosses my path, they can unknowingly fall victim to my internal rage. I know this is wrong behavior and I am working at changing it. I am getting better at it; in the meantime, all I can do is be very sorry for it!

Recovery involves all kinds of experiences both external and internal. Some may be a little ugly but most are glorious and beautiful.

My Disney Magical Experience was full of pleasure. To be with great people and people that I love, to be able to get this chance once again to live again! To see inside the eyes of my grandbaby, while he was hypnotized with fantasy … well I am limited in words to describe how I felt. All I can do is to quote the song from a Disney movie song that says it best …

“Unbelievable sights, indescribable feeling, soaring, tumbling, freewheelingthrough an endless diamond sky. A whole new world. Don't I dare close my eyes. A hundred thousand things to see…

Hold your breath - it gets better.

I'm like a shooting star. I've come so far. I can't go back to where I used to be.

A Whole New World”

My friends join me on my magic carpet ride …

Have a great day!

Love
Mike

“…pick yourself up and get back in the race…”

2008-09-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

That’s life! Am I dating myself with that Frank Sinatra song? Well I enjoy some of the words, for example. “…each time I find myself laying flat on my face, I just pick myself up and get back in the race”! For years now that has been how I exist. I have been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king, I’ve been up and down and over and out as I am sure many of us have been. The thing I know and I just always had a gut instinct was that I had to Never Give Up!

In my past my biggest downfall was not that “one binge” that I would have, no, never did any one meal put 100 pounds or 600 pounds on me. It was the behavior that followed that binge that became my problem. Initially it is just the taste of the food itself. Oh the experts may say it is the “salty taste, or the sweet taste”, all I know is that it is the “Good Taste” that sets me off. Let me not lie, pizza taste good and never did one slice of pizza ever satisfy me.

Anyway, there I would be struggling along “dieting” following one program or another, one gimmick or some new idea! Doing well for a while, numbers dropping, clothes drooping, and compliments coming and then one day (with or without a reason) I just was not going to have one more balanced “healthy” choice. I would give into the voice, I would weaken to the struggle, I would fall prisoner to the drive, and I became a slave to the compulsion of the self –gluttonous, self–destructive, yet un-controllable behavior. I would eat until there was just no more left; I would eat as if it was the last hour in earth’s being. At that moment nothing else counted, just consume as much food, as fast as I could. I was in a trance. Then often (not by my own power) but for some reason those many moments would be over. Then I had to deal with the after.

What did the after consist of? Guilt! The whys? “Why did I do that? Why did I blow the diet! All my hard work I wasted! It is just not going to work, I can not do it”! Then the next thoughts…. “Oh, I should have had bacon and eggs too or maybe crumb cake”. “Well I can not start the diet again without having a pound of bologna, I will have to have that tomorrow and then I will restart the diet the next day”!

The problem is the next day rarely comes and if it does it usually is a year (and 75 pounds) later.

That is the difference now!

I know that if there is a choice that I make now, that may not be the best one for me. A choice that in the past would have lead to an endless battle of guilt and self-destruction, just does not have to be that way anymore.

If I find myself lying flat on my face, I just have to pick myself up and get back in the race!!! I am an okay person! I am a human being, who at times, I may need to make adjustments in my life, and that is fine! Life is not a mathematical equation and sometimes 2+2 is not always going to easily add up to 4. Sometimes you have to help it along a bit. So why not, I am worth the effort, you are worth the effort!

I am thrilled to have a second (and third and fourth) chance if necessary. I am here today, I am alive today, and I am enjoying my life today because of second chances and my ability to, “not give up”.

My wife reminded me of something today. She had asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was blogging. She asked me about what and I told her. She reminded me that my “picking myself up” has given me an opportunity. An opportunity that I would like to share with you.

Twenty years ago, this past January I was at my lowest, and the year “2008” was not even a thought in my head. Then there was May of 1996, when they were taking me out my window with a forklift, in front of the whole world to see, “2008” was not even a dream of mine. Yet resilience, perseverance and just good old “attitude” of not giving up, has allowed me to be where I am today.

I am enjoying my life as if I was 25 years old once again; everyday is a new experience or just and old one that I may have forgotten. The point is that all us need to realize that our recovery, our quest to get well will not go without a bump here or there. Anything any of us strives for, go for, set out to do, will at times come up against a glitch or two. It is up to us to push forward, get through the storm and the bright days are in the future.

I have struggled for a long time, some times too long to think about but every battle every win, every backslide is worth the chance to be here today! Right where I am! Who I am!

Picking ourselves up, allows us to live ….not only live but also to be alive!

I say, I am going to be a player. It is a lot more fun to be a player than to be an observer and ultimately a victim. A player can play at any level, no matter what our physical limitations we may have.

So if you find yourself lying flat on your face, just pick yourself up and get back in the race …as long as you are in the race, YOU ARE A WINNER!

Good Luck my dear friends

Love

Mike

Today is Just Another Day

2008-09-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

Just another day. You know those days where there is no “Pomp and Circumstance”, no parties going on, no company coming over, no events, no plans ….just another day. These for many of us are the majority of days and very often the days that for me in the past were the hardest to deal with (especially when it came to my eating problems). Today is just another day, how easy that can be stated and how untrue it really is.

Just another day, who am I kidding, it is “just another day”, a day that I have awoke, that I get a chance to enjoy a sunrise. A bird sings in my yard and I hear it. I open the door and fresh air blows gently over my face. Just another day to watch a TV show, or to smile, or get to enjoy my grandson. Another day to be able to love and be loved by my wife, son, family and friends. Another day to be a player in this game we call life! How thankful I am to be this player!

Let us not forget what this day really is (the day I am writing this blog). This is a day no American, no world citizen will ever forget, today is September 11th 2008 “911”. Is it “just another day”, to over 3,000 families and loved ones, of those poor innocent people who perished so needlessly, so innocently, so tragically. I spent part of my day watching the reading of those poor victims’ names and as they read, those names I could not help notice how many were in there twenties and thirties. Having a thirty-year-old son, I could not imagine the pain, the horror of it all. All I can say is God bless theses special souls and their loved ones left behind.

If I think about it and maybe not on such a large scale (as 911) but what might be “just another day” for me and you, in someone else’s life it is a very important date. There are no days that are, “just another day”.

I know I needed to look at every day as an important day for me in order to make important changes in my life. To make healthy changes. If it were “just another day” then I would eat whatever I wanted today and then tomorrow on an “important day” I would do the right thing. Wrong! I am just as important today as I am on Christmas Day, Fourth of July, tomorrow or the next day! I am important and so is every day that I am alive.

We need to appreciate this day and everyday and make every day count …for us! We have to do the right things for ourselves just as much today as we should have done yesterday and certainly will do tomorrow.

Not everyday will there be an obvious “parade” but if you look very hard and listen real well you will hear the drums, you will see the floats and enjoy the clowns. You make those days special, even if it is just by doing something nice for someone ….even like yourself.

You wake up; you are ahead of the game and what a game it will be. Let us face it, you can look at a day and deal with a day in a two ways.
One outlook --- “oh man, another day, I don’t feel well, I am alone, I am overweight, I have no money, I can’t eat right, da da da da da”. Another outlook could be “wow, what a great day (even a cloudy, rainy day has beauty), I am alive, I get a chance to make healthy choices, I am going to make myself happy in some way today, I am a lucky person”!

Therefore my friends I know what is working for me and having a positive outlook about my life (even at the low moments), looking for that silver lining, appreciating the journey, taking one step at a time, looking at that glass as so “half full” has helped me lose over 300 pounds in three years. What is even more important than the numbers is the inner feeling of peace. I do not want you or myself to think that I am totally relaxed, I know that I am an addict (food) and I will always be an addict. Yet my positive outlook and attitude, my dealing with each battle as it arises, has helped me now, in the moment and making my life work. So far for three years, thank God!

So if you are one of those who have a little difficulty looking on the bright side, give yourself a chance, begin to love yourself, see that glass as half full. You will begin to realize that there is reason for joy in almost all times of living itself.

Those of my friends that see that silver lining, well that is great! A little suggestion (if you do not already do so) share a smile with someone (especially one who may find it difficult to see that glass as half full) I promise the rewards will be great.

Bless you all; bless all the families and victims of 911

To all my friends have a great rest of this wonderful day and a special tomorrow …

Love

Mike

Just Twelve Pounds

2008-08-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

Just twelve pounds, in the past that would be an immediate excuse for me to go on a binge. Let me explain. In the past when I was “dieting” and trying to lose weight, I was a slave to the scale. I would weigh myself in the morning, afternoon, and evening. I would weigh myself before a shower and then of course after a shower (hey dirt has weight too). I would take a drink of water, weigh the glass of water, weigh myself before drinking it and then after I drank it, just to see how much weight I gained. Yes, I was compulsive and obsessed with that scale.

Then numbers were a big part of this “weigh” of life. I wanted to see how much weight I lost in a day, a week, a month. Not only was I interested in these numbers but it seemed like many of my family, friends were too. As a matter of fact the whole world seemed interested. A common greeting to me, would be “Hi Mike, how much weight did you lose this week”? Believe me if that number was not high (in the double digits) many of them did not hesitate to say, “Oh, you had a bad week”? Some people might think nine pounds in a week was not bad but for Mike Hebranko it was not good enough. Not even for my own standards.

This is a “heavy” burden to put on oneself, a lot of pressure to be under. This way of life I truly believe was part of (not totally) but part of my overall unhealthy way of losing my weight in the past. Probably contributed to me gaining so many times, my weight back.

Part of my “new outlook”, my new “weigh” of life, what I like to call, my "journey down the road of recovery” is …
I do not have a scale in my home!!! I now weigh myself once every three months and that is at my doctor’s office, only because she requires it.

I do not care what I weigh. What I do care about is how I feel. Am I feeling well, am I able to do more things each day. Am I making progress and yes am I eating within my plan? If I can answer yes to these questions then I know I am getting better and better with each day.

To many times in the past, have I played the “number” games only to lose at the end, and I am not talking about losing weight. Yes, I would lose weight, only to gain it back and then some.

I knew that changes had to be made. I knew that with each experience, I had to learn something and I did. It may have taken a long time, it may have even almost cost me my life at times. I know that some people around me today may not exactly understand or even agree with me and my methods, attitudes or the way I do things. Yet I know, what is working for me. I know how I feel in my head. I have come to a point in my life (over the last few years) where I am achieving an inner peace and a certain co-existence with my own disease (my eating addiction). No longer am I in a race, no longer am I looking for the magic answers, no longer am I trying every new diet, gadget, and procedure out there to lose weight.

I have realized that food is here to stay, I will have to eat at least three meals a day for the rest of my life and if I want to have any length or quality to that life, I better find some way of life, that is going to work for me and hopefully forever.

My twenty years of serious searching and trying to win this battle, plus being in the rehabilitation center for the 36 months I have had a realization. What works for me, is not starvation, not depravation, not elimination, what works for me is simple. Exactly …simple. K.I..S.T. Keeping It Simple for Today! I will basically eat about 1200 to 1400 calories a day and simple ones. Tuna for lunch, Chicken for dinner, simply prepared, sometimes a mushroom omelet made with eggbeaters. There may be occasions where I may go to 1600 calories or a little more (a wedding, party, etc); otherwise, I try not to stimulate the taste buds to much. I am not talking about the taste buds on my tongue but the taste buds in my mind! The better it looks, the better it taste, then the more I want and boy, if I want more and if I cannot control that urge, I can eat a tremendous amount food. I know this because I have done so in the past, (remember 1,000 pounds).

Now in the old days if I was on 1200 calories, the weight would melt off and the numbers would drop on that scale like a “hot potato”. A fact, now due to all the years of yo-yo dieting, losing weight (body muscle) and then gaining it back (more body fat), and along with getting older has effected my metabolism greatly and the weight just does not come off like it use too.
That is okay, it is what it is. I am thankful that it is coming off at all.

Back to “Just Twelve Pounds”. Therefore, I am at the doctor’s office, I get on the scale with no anticipation in my body, the digital number begins to appear. I had lost another 12 pounds. That is 12 pounds in three months, a pound a week! Some may say “just a pound a week”, I say “are you kidding”? The thing is I am not gaining.

My body is slowly losing the weight and this is a good thing for me. I say, I have no goals (as far as weight numbers) this time. If I never reach that number goal then I do not have to worry about “then what”! I know I cannot lose forever and eventually I will have to deal with some kind of maintenance and I have an Idea of how to do that when the time comes. It will be a while.

Twelve pounds, when those people say, “That is not so good”; I think to myself “you are entitled to your opinion”. Some even come to the brilliant conclusion, “you must be eating”. “Guess what? I am eating. Three times a day, everyday”.

If I need to boost my ego, I could tell people or just remind myself that in the past three years I have lost over 320 pounds or that I have lost over 100 pounds since I am home from rehab. (14 months). The one I love the best for some reason is when I got on the doctors scale this week I was 380 pounds.

I love that because that means getting around better. It means having one of the best summers I had in many many years. It meant attending family weddings, christenings, going to Atlantic City for the day and even for the first time in over 15 years I was able to stand by my wife’s side when we recently had to say goodbye to her (our) dear Aunt Ruthie a lovely lady who past away. She will be missed dearly. I was able to be like any other husband and be with my wife and her family through this terribly sad time. Let me mention we traveled over 100 miles to get there and did it two days in a row. To put things in perspective, my dad past away in 1996 and the funeral was a ½ a block from my home and I could not attend.

Three hundred and eighty pounds means a little more freedom than 400 pounds and a lot more freedom than 700 pounds.
As long as I stay focused, stay positive; continue to love life, my family, friends and the good Lord himself things will be okay. I know I have to Keep It Simple, and as long as I can stay “light” in my head, smile as often as possible, my goals will be reached. None of those goals involve numbers (scale numbers).

I will share with you one new goal that has been popping up in my heart lately. When I was a teenager one of the happiest days of my life was the day I opened up the mail and there it was, my “drivers license”, wow what a feeling of joy. Well I had to give up my license and I have not driven now it has to be since about 1993. I am going to drive again, not sure when but I am going to do it! I feel it in my bones, I just have to get my legs to work a little better and be sure to be able to fit behind the wheel, and then…..I am off!

Who knows, maybe I be driving through your town one day and we can say hi!

My friends take it from me, do not play the number games, do not get crazy on what that scale says today, and do not let it rule your life. Better still, concentrate on “change” (do I sound like a politician)? The kind of change that will better the quality of your life.

Let me share something with all of you, even my friends that do not suffer from the “weight” struggles. Change is good (for the most part) especially if it will better your life. If you could smile a little more, feel better about yourself, be more comfortable within your surroundings and with the people around you then begin to make the changes necessary.

Twelve pounds does not drive me crazy, it makes me happy! I lost twelve pounds, I have had a steady loss for three years, and it is a trend and new life for me. More important I have not “binged” for three years. Now that is something I cannot believe I can say. So that twelve pounds represents a new life for me and at 55, a new life is pretty cool! I am a lucky guy!

Lucky to have the people around me that I have, lucky to be able to share my blog with you, lucky to be alive and living better each day!

Have a wonderful day, and appreciate what you have for there is someone out there who has a lot less.

Love
Mike

“Man Plans and God Laughs ….”

2008-08-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am writing this on August 16, 2008 and just three years ago on this date, I experienced one of the most joyous events in my life (right up there with the birth of my son and my wedding day), it was the birth of my grandson. I speak from two points of views, the first is like any proud grandparent. A grandchild is such a gift, such a pleasure, they usually come in the “autumn of our lives” and if I may say so my self, the timing is just perfect. When my grandson is near me, or he calls me “GaGa” or I am holding him, every single ache and pain is gone. I can think of nothing else but being at his beckon call for every moment, he needs me. Nothing but pleasure and the most joyous thoughts are in my mind. To, even just look at him brings a feeling of euphoria all throughout my being. Let me share a story with you with this game between him and I that just melts me. My wife (and son) has taught my grandson to enjoy teasing me and he loves to and gets the biggest kick out of it. For example; I will ask him “how much you love everybody in the whole world”, he will proceed to stretch out his little arms as far as can be and say “this much Ga Ga”. Then I will say and much do you love me and he takes his cute little thumb and pointer finger and squeezes it close together and say “only this much Ga Ga” then he will get hysterical laughing. I just melt and eat it up (and at the same time could eat him up too.).

Being a grandpa is a feeling that I just cannot explain. I am sure all my grandparent friends out there can understand, exactly what I am talking about.

Today is special for me for another reason. Now do not get me wrong, I have the greatest amount of respect for the medical professionals (especially my current doctor and the medical team that helps keeps me going) but until I found this current team did I go for an emotional ride! ….

Since I was “eighteen” years of age, all that doctors and many lay people would tell me was “Michael you are not going to live to twenty-one years old, especially if you do not lose weight”.
Then at “twenty-one” the doctors said “for sure you will never see ‘twenty-five’ years of age”. At “twenty-five”, I was told “at over 500 pounds, forget seeing “thirty” years old.

In addition to all that good medical advise, from the time I was ten years old I remember my grandmother saying if I, didn’t “lose weight I would never find a girl to love me and marry me”. Over the years, other family members felt it was there obligation to tell me the exact same thing.

The best was when I did get married I had doctors tell me “at 450-500 pounds you will never become a father you definitely have to lose weight”.

Well, “Man Plans and God Laughs”.
I found a girl to love and marry me and it just happen to be the girl of my dreams. She is not only my best friend, she is my soul mate, my life long lover and she comes with a great family. I am proud to say we will be married “thirty-three” years this coming June. I also became a daddy at twenty-four years old and yes, I was over 450 pounds
(I am not bragging, just saying what is so). By the way, I will be fifty-six on my next birthday.

Besides who ever thought, I certainly did not in my wildest dream ever think, that someday I would be celebrating the third birthday of my grandson. I love humankind and for the most part human beings are great but God is better.

Hey, I am not saying that those doctors were all together wrong, they were basing their opinions on scientific facts and statistics and common sense. Unfortunately, 400, 500-pound people do not live long lives. The quality of life at 800 pounds is compromised. My grandmother and family meant well in their own way, I know that.

Yet you cannot live your life in fear! You have to do the best you can, make the best out of the situation and have faith. All things are possible if you believe. First, you believe, next, you hang on and then you finally do something to make changes.

Change is such a funny thing. You know basically I have either been home bound, hospitalized or in a rehabilitation centers over the last 15 to 18 years, so therefore I have not been out in the world a lot.
Over the last year, I am out at least two to four days a week.

One of the changes I have experienced is, that here in New York (and maybe over the rest of the country)when you go into some of these family type (chain owned)restaurants, they now (on the menus) list the calories counts for the items.

This is a great idea and I believe it is going to revolutionize the way people eat out in the future. It will help change the way people eat. It helps you to do a reality check. An example is that “grilled chicken fajita” that you thought was healthy and a good choice, you are now find out has over 900 calories not to mention the baked potato, sour cream etc.

I now go into these restaurants and just tell the waiter or waitress, “ah, just bring me 165 calorie appetizer and a 400 calorie entrée, It doesn’t matter to me what it is, it could be paper, all I know is I want about 600calories”. They look at me as if I am crazy!

Things have changed out there and it takes time for me (any of us) to adjust but I love every moment of it and I love the opportunity to be able to be a participator rather than a spectator.

Change is good, especially when it is going to improve our life in general.

Yes, I love and appreciate all that my doctors have done for me but I know in my heart that there is a greater force that works through them. That beautiful force I call God.
In spite of what man has said over the years, I get to do something that at age 18, I never thought would happen. I never thought I would even be alive, and yet I did get married have a child and imagine I get to see my grand child celebrate his third birthday!

Thank you Lord, thank you for being in my corner, giving me the strength, sending me the right doctors, the right people in my life, my wife, my son, his beautiful wife and my grand baby….

In addition, I want to wish my “little Ga Ga” a very Happy Birthday to you …even though you only love me a little bit!!!!

To all my friends …… don’t ever lose hope, as long as there is life there is hope, there is a chance. The spark of life burns inside of all of us!

I hope and pray you have a great day and that you do something special for you!

Love

Mike

Ps
I am thinking of starting a Newsletter, please read the details on the right side of the blog page thanks!

What is Important …

2008-08-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

As a little child what was important to me as I can remember was … not getting a beating, my daddy not coming home drunk and my mother and father not fighting. This was an important thing for me. As I got a little older (11-13 years old) the things that were important to me were the same things as a little kid but now there were even more things to add to the list. It was important to bring home good marks from school and for my teachers and neighbors to tell my mother what a “nice kid”, “a good boy” I was. It was also important to me if my few friends I had were, going to play with me without making fun of me (because of my weight). Then there was puberty, the teen years, and a completely new group of things that were important to me. Still holding on to all the things that were important to me in the earlier years (although in all due respect my dad had stop drinking, by now, only with an “occasional backslide”) there were additional important things. Girls, my future, career, car payments, a job and college.

Many things happened to me in my twenties and the things that were important to me were interesting. Oh some great things happened to me in my twenties (some of which how great they were I really did not get at that moment). I got married, I became a daddy, I was successful in business, and I bought a house, cars, and things.

Things! I think that is what was becoming more important to me … things. I was the first in the neighborhood to have a “radar oven” a VCR (as big as a TV almost) Sound 8mm movie cameras and projectors and screen, phone in the car, taking vacations. These were important things to me. Working long ours, making money and not being poor were important to me. I was poor as a child and I did not want to be poor as an adult or for my child to want for anything. I remember as a child if I wanted something (and I was an only child), we would have to save forever before I would get it. I did not want this for my son or for my family. It was important to me that if the three of us wanted it we got it before the end of the sentence came out of our mouth.

All these things, that were important to me, came with a price! First, it was an opportunity for me to feed my disease (literally feed it). I had unlimited money and resources. Working so hard and such long hours allowed me not to take the time to take care of myself. The other big price I paid was that, trying to take care of my family so hard, I lost out, on my family so much!

Working so much took time away from them but even more not taking care of myself took its toll on my body and health and in the end robbed my family of me. Slowly I could not or would not be part of their lives on many levels. I tried in many ways to be there but it was not the same.

It amazes me even now as I write about the “then me” how I have changed. I do not know the day or time it happened but I do know now that now in my fifties “things” are so not important to me anymore.

What is important to me, now? People are important! My wife, my son, his family, oh yes my grandson, oh how I adore that little guy! He brings me such joy, and he loves to tease me and I love every minute of it.

The truth is I never got the joy from my “Radar Oven” or VCR that I got from being in a swimming pool this weekend with my grandson. Experiences are important to me.

I find now that the things that are more important to me now are less the things that I can buy but rather the gifts of life itself.
My family and friends are important to me. They are gifts of life. The opportunity to take care of myself is important to me, this is a gift of life (my chance again).

If along my way in my journey I can touch someone else, help someone else, educate someone else about my struggle (our struggle) then this is a gift of life and important to me too.

Yet if it is meant to be for me to spend the next 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, or 25 years being a good husband, father, father-in-law, GRANDPA, brother-in-law, nephew, cousin, uncle, friend then that is great for me!

It is more important to be a good person, to be a loving person, to be a happy person
rather than to have a billion things!

Hey, my friends have a great day, think of what is important to you …

Love
Mike

For The Want of a Hot Dog …

2008-07-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

For the want of a hot dog, I have given up so much and to be honest I totally do not understand it! I know that by my overeating it has caused loss of quality of my life; it has caused pain in the life of my loved ones, yet in the past I tried but had many backslides. Do I know entirely why this happens, absolutely not! I do not believe anyone on this earth entirely understands why ….yet! It is not a fun thing to live with! Yet…

I openly admit that I was am and always will be addicted to food and I have had major problems controlling the amount of food that I can consume. An example of that would be “Hot Dogs”. In the past, I have been known to eat a great number of hot dogs (frankfurters). You may ask (out of curiosity) how many would that be, well the number is not important but 20 to 30 at a sitting would not be unheard of. Surprised? Well do not be. I was a man who could be over 1,000 pounds at times and I am not one of those overweight people who you hear say, “I don’t know how I got to this weight because I do not really eat”! No that is not I. “I admit, I can eat, and eat a lot”! I am not proud of this fact; it just is what it is. When I am not doing well, I eat tremendous amounts of foods and it is for this reason, I have paid an expensive price. You know what it has cost me? Well, let me tell you by telling you where my life is now, compared to where it was five summers ago, or even two summers ago.

Five summers ago I was literally stuck in bed, well over 800 pounds and not being out of the house in years (other than to be removed to be taken to hospitals). Two summers ago, I was spending each day in a Rehabilitation Center in Queens New York, working on getting physically better. I came home last June 30th and let me tell you where my life is physically right now (minus a short intermission, due to my little heart problem, which is doing much better now).

First as many of you know (I posted about it) in the beginning of June I attended a Christening of a beautiful little girl, who I had the privilege of being her Godfather. I was able to attend the church and participate in the ceremony including climbing the alter steps (that had no railings) with a little help of my son. Afterwards, I attended the party, which was miles from my home, and if I may say so, I had a great time. In contrast, my baby (my grandson) who was Christened a little less than three years ago, was done so without his grandpa, (me) being there … physically at least.

Since June, I have traveled to Downingtown, Pa. to the 60th wedding anniversary of my Aunt and Uncle, what a beautiful couple they are. Aunt Eva and Uncle Steve are the kindest, warmest, most generous people you would ever want to know. At my sickest moments throughout the years, it did not matter how they were feeling or how far they were from me. They would get in their car, (most of the time alone, some times with my cousins) and come all the way to New York to see me. I missed their 50th anniversary (my family attended); I also missed my aunts 80th birthday (my family attended). Therefore, when I received the invitation for this party a couple of months ago I said if I had to go on a stretcher, I was going. Well no stretcher was needed, I was able to get into an auto (a minivan, I sat upfront, with a seatbelt, no extension belt!) and my wife drove for 2 ½ hours down to Pennsylvania and I was able to visit them for a change. I also got to see my cousins and their families and I got to see cousins whom I haven’t seen for a while and their children who I never had the pleasure of meeting (boy am I getting old but thank God for that). It was a great experience.

We drove back that night and were able to attend Mass and just be thankful for a great day. The next day was another memorable day. Once again, we got into the car and we drove over an hour and half into Long Island (Suffolk County) where I was able to go visit the gravesites of my mom and dad. Now I have not been there in over 20 years, my mom has been there first (she passed away over 30 years ago and my dad joined her 12 years ago). I have never been to the cemetery since my dad died. As a matter, of fact when my dad past away and the funeral home was a half a bloc k from my home and I could not attend his funeral, I could not leave the house. Unfortunately, there were many events that I could not attend, both sad and joyous ones.

I think some of the hardest ones I missed were the ones that involved my son’s life. Is school plays, is little league baseball games, parent teachers conference and his High School Graduation was a rough one. Not to mention I could not be there when my son went through open-heart surgery! When he became a daddy! Why?

All because of my relationship with food. Yet it seems to be changing at this moment. All of a sudden, there are these events and I do not have to wait home anymore and ask everyone “how was it”? Who was there, what were they wearing and did anyone ask about me”? These kinds of questions are not asked anymore. All of a sudden, I look around and I am part of it. I am a player, instead of a spectator. Wow, how much fun is that? Who would have ever thought it could happen again …another chance

My life is so different now. Instead of watching Mass every Sunday morning on the television, I am now in Church every Sunday morning or Saturday evening. I go out with my wife to a restaurant now sometimes. We go shopping; we go for drives and just look at the world around us. We get to visit her mom, family, and friends. Yesterday once again I was able to be a guest again at a beautiful Christening of the grand-daughter of my very close and dear cousin. It was a lovely day with lovely people. I was not able to be at the Christening of her first grand-daughter but I am thankful and grateful for being part of this one.

While I was out to Long Island last week, my wife and I got to spend some time with friends who we knew from the rehabilitation center. We had a beautiful day by his pool with his family and some mutual friends. It was great to just sit out there and socialize instead of wondering (as I would have in the past) what was everyone was doing while I was at home …probably eating in darkness.

This next weekend I am going on a short vacation for a couple of days.
I have plans for every weekend for the month of August (look at me Mr. Social Butterfly). Then if God willing we are planning a fall vacation to Disney World with my grandson (who has been there twice already, bless him). I get to watch his face light up while he sees his hero’s like Mickey and Captain Hook. A dream of mine, which will come true.

Can I still eat 20 hot dogs? In a heartbeat! I am very well aware of that and must never forget it or let my guard down. Are there some days I go a little overboard? In all honesty not “days” at least not in a long while. There may be moments, a meal, and a situation where I may over indulge and that is when I am reminded that I am still an addict. I know I cannot let that moment or meal turn into a day anymore. Not anymore!

Not for the “want of a hot dog” am I willing to give it al up! I love my renewed life. It is so much better than the bed. The bed is good for 6 to 8 hours a day (for sleep and rest) but that is it (unless for some unfortunate reason you find yourself having to be there).
If you do not have to be in bed then get up! The world, the wonderful world is passing us buy. It may have its bumps, but it is still a beautiful world, bumps and all.

Do not let the want of a hot dog or extra piece of cake or cookies, (or anything like that) ever hold you back again! Now is the time to make the right choice!

I personally enjoy being included and part of life. Next year I want to be even more involved with maybe a little less effort on the part of my family (to help me). I know if little by little I keep trying, working at it, doing my best and willing to be patient with myself and if necessary pick myself up and keep on going forward…then I know I will make it!

What a gift we all have today, and that gift is, today itself! Make the rest of today a great one. Give someone a call, tell someone you love them, smile, and laugh a little and most of all ….

Do something good for you.

Peace

Love
Mike

Not such good choices …

2008-07-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

Often people ask me (or write me) “Mike I had a bad day, what do I do”, “Mike, I have been cheating, and I can not stop”, or “Mike, I “screwed” up and I can not believe it, how do I get back on track’?

What can I say? In life, in general there will be choices that we make sometimes that will not always turn out to be the smartest choices, especially when we get the chance to look back at them. So, what do we do?

We are not going to shoot ourselves, jump out windows, life is too precious, too beautiful, too valuable to do harm to ourselves. Whether it be something as drastic as physical harm or as painful as emotional harm, we cannot look back at our mistakes with the purpose to punish ourselves in anyway.

Mistakes will happen, and then these become opportunities to learn… healthy lessons and then … go on from there. I think the sooner most of us realize that we are human (and being human we will make mistakes) the sooner we will all be better off. Some of us are too hard on ourselves and we raise the bar to levels that at times are unreachable.

It is nice to set goals but along that journey, we need to plan for the bumps in the road!

In my life, I am an addict when it comes to food. I have been an addicted to food for more years than I am even conscious of. I do not have to tell anyone that I have made many “not so good choices”. Ones that have almost cost me my life both literally and certainly lifestyle wise. I have “dieted” off more pounds probably than any living human being on this planet has. I have also made some of the worse choices than many poor souls, choices that have cost me and set me back thousands of steps.

Yet I stand (sit) here today and tell you that I am a happy, grateful man. A man, who loves life, loves his family and friends and even more so, loves himself. I cannot (I will not) allow myself to “punish” me, beat myself up for all the times that I attempted (successfully at times) to do the correct thing.

No, I have to deal with today. Today I have to do it for me. I have K.I.S.T. (Keep It Simple Today)! I am enjoying this day, loving my experience, dealing with the moment.

I had a friend recently get in touch with me in despair. They had been taking care of themselves with some good results (those stupid numbers on the scale were falling). Suddenly they had a “Bad Day” and were eating all day. They told me nothing was going on in their life (negatively) at the time, actually, they were happy. Yet they were surprised (or annoyed) that they still had the “disease”, even after all their success.

The fact is our disease (of addiction) is not going anywhere. It is here to stay and the best we can hope for is to have it under control some times (most times hopefully). Okay, that is it. It took me a long time to realize this, that "I will never be cured"!
I am not going to go around feeling sorry for myself because the fact is out of all the diseases in the world, I (we) could have worse!

My main concern with my friend was that the one day was not going to be permission to beat themselves up and have another bad day and another and another etc! That is often what we do! Remember, no one meal, no one day puts on thirty pounds, or a hundred pounds, or three hundred pounds. That takes time and choice after choice!

Stop! Catch yourself! Brush yourself off! Most importantly is “Forgive” yourself! Go on to the next healthy choice!

I was in sales for many years and they use to say, “You were as only good as your last sale”. Well your last choice you made in life, whether it was a good one or a “not so good” one was in the past.
The choice that counts now, is the one you make right now!

Let us make the rest of this day count and mark it off in our books as a great finish to a wonderful day!

You my friends have a special day, may it be filled with the joy of nature and the well-being of you working on you!

Remember you are perfect and sometimes you might make a mistake …so what …. Go on!

Take care, smile and be well ….

Love
Mike

INDEPENDENCE

2008-07-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

I write this on the third day of July and in our country, that is the day before “Independence Day”! Independence, a very interesting word and an even stronger concept. I do not want to talk (although appropriate) about political Independence. What I do want to talk about is “Personal Independence”.

Personal independence is so powerful! It comes to all of us on so many different levels. Two levels that I will mention right now is “Physical and Emotional”

Physical Independence can be obvious sometimes. You might be able to run a full marathon, go earn a living, and build a house. Your physical independence may be a limited on different levels. This can be rough, trust me I know. Although I never ways at the marathon level (I almost was) but I have been at the level of total dependence on others for everything. Even today, I am far from totally “Physically” Independent but I stride each day in every way to get better and better and better! For me I am lucky, my physical world can get better. 100% better? Not sure! Yet better than today is certainly better than it was yesterday! For some of us the Physical Situation might not get better due to some serious illness. Those ones have to fight hard to hold on to whatever physical independence is theirs.

What we all have and all have complete control of is our “Emotional Independence”. Now that is some powerful stuff! No one can give it to you and no one can take it away from you. It can be developed, improved, and made stronger. It takes working at it!
You and I are in charge of our emotions and the sooner we get it the sooner life works a little better.

Emotional independence means freedom from all things! Yes things, we all become part of our worldly things. What we have, what we do not have! “He has a car, they have a flat screen TV”, and “I have two Computers”, things, things, things, things. We become all about our things! Well I have had so many things and I was all about things. Guess what? I lost them all at one time or another. What is important to me is Health, Family and relationships.

My emotional independence helps me to be a stronger person and compensates for any physical limitations I do have. My emotional independence allows me to put things into perspective. A great example is I have been very sick over the last four months. There were days that I could not find the strength to get a glass of water. When you are sick, your spirit is one of the things that get attack quickly. You better make sure you are prepared for it (like a storm). Lucky I am positive enough that I was able to hang on and get through this crisis. If I was not emotionally independent, it might not have happened.

Hey, there were moments I was down in spirit, frightened, outright scared but always deep down in side of me there was a light that burned bright. One that I knew was my hope, my emotional independence. You have to work on it, it has to be fed both emotionally and spiritually all the time, it just does not burn on its own forever.

I have now passed this crisis for the time being (hopefully forever on this one) and it has helped make me even a stronger person, as should every experience do. Yet you have to allow yourself to get the “positive” out of each and every experience...

My friends, life is great!

Even at sometimes the darkest moments, it is still a great thing.

Life is a wonderful gift given to all of us!

If we allow ourselves to be burdened with everything that is wrong with life and all the things, you do not have or lost ….well then fiddle faddle, blah, blah! NO! It is not going to work or be any fun!

Celebrate Independence! Enjoy the little things. Feed into the positive. Hang with Joy!

Fill your heart with love!

It will help when the rough times come and you need that light burning … it will be there for you too!

Happy Independence!

Love to all

Mike

Ps.

Thanks for all of you who sent along your kind wishes, thoughts, and prayers …it helped!

Go With The Flow ..

2008-06-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

I have been having trouble with my heart for years but it has really peaked in the past three months. I could be sitting doing absolutely nothing and all of a sudden I am out of breathe and/or weak as can be. When I found myself not able to walk to the kitchen sink without being short of breathe and/or dizzy and fatigue, well the first thing that came to my mind was I must be gaining weigh, Yet I knew if I was gaining it had to be fluid because it wasn’t food!

When I wet to the doctor and discovered I had lost over 23 pounds since the last visit, I knew something was wrong and I told her (the doctor). She immediately took a cardiogram EKG and after four of them, my every fear came through. She told me I had a serious problem with my heart.

Let me share something with you. All my life doctors have told me that because of my tremendous weight and fluxuation that I should be dead and the only thing keeping me alive is my heart! Now I know that my heart is not too good.

Bottom line is in the first week of July I am scheduled to go through a procedure that they will STOP my heart and then restart it. Now they tell me it will only be stopped for less than a minute. Personally, I do not like the idea of stopping my heart for even a millisecond! They also tell me it is routine, except there are some issues with me. I am 390 pounds and have severe apnea.

The truth is am I nervous …..Yes of course! Do I really think they are not going to be able to restart my heart, of course they are. When my heart is stopped and I see my mom, dad, and nana in the light calling me. I am going to wave to them and say, “Not now I’ll see some other time”!

Yet if by some slim chance that July date is the date that is written in the big book in the sky and it is my last day, how do I look at my life!

I look at my life as a very luck and blessed man. I have been blessed to love and be loved by my family. I am such a lucky man. Yet I would be lying if I did not say I have regrets that I could not be there as I should have been. I was there in many other ways.

I have been so lucky to have met, and communicated with so many thousands and thousands of people.
I have been, touched by some very dear friends, some very close friends.

I have been able to speak out about obesity and have been able to touch some lives and give hope. Do I have more work to do? You bet your bippy I do and I will be doing it.

My dear wife will be with me that day, and I know she will be nervous but wouldn’t dare show me any sign of her nerves (anyone who knows My Matty understands this statement).

I will go through this procedure with flying colors! I do not believe my maker has choosen this way for me to depart.

Therefore, the day will be here very soon, I have to be there very early, go through all kinds of test, and sign all kinds of papers etc, as for me I will take my nervousness and just “Go With The Flow”

Sometimes that is what we have to do, just “go with the flow” and let be what is going to be. Kind of leave it in someone else hands ………Like God!

Love you all now and forever
Mike

WHEN IN NEUTRAL ….

2008-06-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve lived a full life and I am only 55 years old. It has been packed; I have had a difficult abusive childhood, yet two parents who were only guilty of loving me very much. Their problem was, that they did not know they had “issues” therefore there was no such thing in the fifties or sixties as going to therapy and airing out your dirty laundry. Therefore, you took it out on your 4-year-old son or each other and went on living “happily ever after”.

The rest of my life “in a nutshell” was packed with intrigue business situations, the ups and downs of weight losses. I have seen my body go through several metamorphoses, spent endless days, weeks and months in hospitals and rehabs. “Mr. Death” and I have had many close conversations. Fifteen minutes of fame, well I have had several! The jewels in my crown are the people and friends that I have met and made along this journey. The foundation of my life is my great extended family who I love dearly.

Then needless to say the diamond in my life is my “love of my life” my soul mate, my “Boot” my sweet dear wife Madelaine. Then with Madelaine comes the cherry and sprinkles on the sundae, my son Mikey. The blessing he was in my life. Two things I never thought I would have, the love of my life, and she accepted me at 450 pounds and then a child at almost 500 pounds. They told me do not expect it. Well I say “man plans and God laughs”, I was blessed with both. Then twenty some odd years later my wonderful daughter in law and now God bless him my little grandson, oh man do I love that little boy.

The point I am making is that life is an interesting ride and sometimes the ride is smooth, sometimes fun, sometimes rewarding. Yes, sometimes the ride is rough, very rough. Sometimes you cannot seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel (it is there, you just have to keep pushing ahead, you will see the light). It can get rough, I know! Right now, I am going through some personal rough times but I have my eye on the light.

We do not have to go through the rough times 24 hours 7 days a week! We do not have to re-live our past over and over constantly (no matter difficult). The question you need to ask is right this second, NOW, right now how are things. If the answer is okay or even if it is, just “well nothing” then why not smile!

When in neutral …..smile! I love to observe people and now that I get out more often than I have in the past twenty years. I love to look at people’s expressions on their faces. WOW! How can so many people be so angry, all the time? One of these days, I am going to get hit! You cannot believe how often I will say to a cashier, “smile”. When my wife will pull up next to a bus driver and I look at them I will ask them “are you okay”? They say yes. Then I say “well smile”!

I do not recommend that you do any of those things. What I do recommend, is for you. When you find yourself in neutral, smile! Oh chemically then say it releases endorphins and this and that. The point is it makes you feel good!

A smile is a nice thing! It is a nice thing to hold personally and even a nicer thing to share.

A smile is a simple gift from God given to us to use at will. You know what they say, “if you don’t use it, you, might lose it!

You do not lose your smile. Now if you have not done it for a while or if you are in neutral well lets go ….

Take the sides of your lips and with the muscles of your cheeks (in your face) start pulling up! Come on, you can do it. Pull back a little more. Now do not be carried away, I wouldn’t want you to actually laugh. Someone might hear you (only kidding).

You are a good person and deserve to smile often as possible. When you are in neutral whether driving, sitting outside, watching TV, reading a book, listening, just smile.

I love to smile; it gets me through some rough times! It helps me get to that light at the end of the tunnel.

Have a great day!
You wonderful you!

SMILE
Love
Mike

Pacino, Brando, Hebranko ….

2008-06-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Speak Softly Love ….. da, da, la, la la. Now what can Brando, Pacino and I all have in common? Let’s see, did we all win the Academy Award? I do not think so, besides if I had won I would accept it. Actually I think Brando did accept it but not himself he sent the Native American Woman to accept it, I don’t remember the details. Anyway, back to my point. What do the three of us have in common? (Final Jepordy theme playing in the background), okay, the answer is “What is we are all Godfather’s”.

Yes, yesterday I was honored (after 26 years) of being asked to be the Godfather of a beautiful little baby girl. This is actually my third time I was honored with such a blessing. My first time was when I was 16 years old to a precious little girl, Cathy P, and then 13 years after that to a handsome baby boy, Joseph B, and now 26 years later at the age of 55 years old to this adorable Melanie H.

It is amazing how as we get older the difference in the meaning in general of being a Godfather. Unfortunately, at 16 years old I did not realize what a great honor it was. Although legally a Godparent today has no kind of responsibility, it is really more a spiritual relationship. I believe the first experience a child has with God and everything else comes from their parents. Yet as a Godparent, we should go that little extra step in helping the parent along in molding a child’s relationship and introduction to God. Yet I also feel as a Godparent and as an adult in any child’s life setting a good example is so very important. An example of loving thyself and each other, living ones life to it’s fullest and not being a quitter, and that all of God’s creatures are beautiful and to look for the good in life. These are not such bad things to try to pass on to a Godchild or any child.

I only wish I understood this with my first Godchild, I have not seen her for many years and was not a good Godfather. I did better with my second, I see him often, and just had the pleasure of having dinner with him and his finance this past week. Now my new little Godchild, well lets be real, I pray I am around long enough to be an influence in her little sweet life. Yet in case I am not and I am lucky enough to have a ticket to get into heaven, she will have one special guardian angel watching over her.

Let us talk about yesterday. It might be normal for people to be a little nervous about being in situation like being a Godfather. People who know me being in front of people, maybe talking, etc does not make me nervous. It just does not. What give me the butterflies, the anxiety and I think may of people who share my history is the logistics.

Is there a lot of walking, standing, steps, and chairs with arms and are they strong enough. Will the seats be so low we will not be able to get up easily or at all? Then in my case, I travel with a wheel chair that is wider than the average chair (because my butt is wider than the average butt is). Therefore, the wheelchair does not fit on most of the handicap ramp; it is too wide, does not fit through most doors. Then I was worried about once at the church would it get down the aisles, will I have to go on the alter, if so how? Well almost every concern I had, came through.

The ramp was to narrow, so my poor wife had to fold the chair and I had to get my cane and bent over walk up the ramp and through the narrow doors. We set the chair up and of course, it was in the wrong place. Not to mention I needed to use the men’s room which might have been handicap accessible except the hallway we had to go down was so narrow …..no way, not for my chair so I had to walk it and go into the bathroom stand long enough to handle what need to be done. As the ceremony went on I had to climb up the stairs of the alter and stand there while we christened that bundle of joy. It was only through the power of prayer and the help of my son and wife that I made it through the physicalness. Yes, I have to give myself credit too.

It is just ashamed that in the twenty first century that a person of size has to worry about going out in public. It is hard enough to be starred at, laughed at, and made fun at but if we are strong enough to get passed all that, we have to be concerned about the door, chair etc. \

Just a little more effort on part of businesses and public places to make it more accessible for us as, well it might help us with our self esteem when we want to be players if we can get out there and play.

Things like this can be done; we need help to get it done. We need to help ourselves, we too might like to go to a movie, school, work but we need not to cry and complain. We need to be proactive. Get our friends and families involved, talk to local business people to put a strong chair in their movie house, library, restaurant. Organize write in programs to politicians. Let us pass laws for the obese. We are people too! We count! We want to live! We want to play!

As one of the Godfather’s said “let’s make them an offer they can’t refuse” yes the offer is ...

We want to be!!!!

After all was said and done, I made it through yesterday, I had a great time, did all that was needed of me, and was proud as a peacock.

Sometimes you have to take your fears, anxieties put them in a bag take them with you and do what you have to do anyway. At the end, you look back and see you made it and had a good time at the same time.

Have a great day!!

Love

Mike

PS

Afterwards there was a great house party, with wonderful friends and beautiful family. It is such a blessing to be part of and included. I missed so many things and now I do not want to miss anything. Unfortunately, there was one thing that ripped my heart out. My little grandson got hurt (oh he is such a boy) his mom was standing right next to him, just a second, and it happened. A chunk of my heart went out for my baby but then I felt so badly for my sweet daughter in law. She was so upset because she tried to stop it but just couldn’t. He is doing okay today, Alleluia!

In The Moment ….

2008-05-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

“Now is the time ….” “One day at a time…” “Be here now…” these are all statements that most of us have heard at one time or another. Often they have had a profound meaning on our lives. At the same time if we were not doing well, it was those kinds of statements that were the last thing we wanted to hear. They are simple little words, not complex meanings and yet they can make a big difference in our lives.

Let me share an example with you. Recently (May 14, 2008) I was blessed enough to celebrate my 55th birthday. That in itself, I look at as a miracle. Considering where I have been and what I have put my poor body through and the amount of times that my family or I was told that my time was limited, well miracle is the only word that comes to my mind. Along with grateful, grateful to God and to the people God has sent me in my life.

Back to my birthday and being here “Now” etc. I have had some unforgettable birthdays. I have had some great parties, loads of family and friends to celebrate with. Surprise parties, small family get togethers and yes, I have even spent a few birthdays in the hospital fairly ill. I have some very good memories and some not so good ones on the birthdays but the point is if I dwell on all them and live in the past then I would not have been able to enjoy not only one of my best birthday’s in my life but just a great day in general.

To “be here now” would be an understatement. My son arranged for himself to have the day off and with him, my dear daughter in law and my special little grandson they took me to the New York Aquarium in Brooklyn. First, I have not been there, I think since I was 11 years old and that was with my dad. To be able to go there with my grandson and see the joy on his face that I was with him was the best present I could have received. He was as excited but not as much as I was. His mom packed a healthy picnic lunch, we got to eat outdoors. We also were able to watch the walrus get fed. My sweet wife had a business meeting, in the morning but met us at the aquarium later on; it was such a perfect day. I even got to go to a stadium show and watched a sea lion show. One of the joys was to watch the expression on my baby’s face when the sea lion came up to him and planted a smooch (kiss) right on his apple cheek.

It was a special day, and that was because I was there with my very close loved ones. I was able to be part of an event rather than be at home in bed waiting for everyone to arrive home and tell me all about it. I was a participant! I was a player. I was part of life and “living the moment”.

It is days like that, those special days, those days where you can be part of rather than part from. It is those days, which make the daily battle, the daily struggle, all worthwhile.

The pay off sometimes is those big days like I spent on my birthday but if you really look hard the payoff is each day that we wake up and get to play!

Now is the time, being here now, taking one day at a time pays off with many rewards. The reward of satisfaction! Satisfaction of taking care of you and making it happen! The reward of getting another day to play and then there are those extra special days.

The aquarium days …… in my case I am not sure if it was the actual aquarium itself (although I enjoyed the experience immensely) but rather the company I was with and having my little grandson calling me “Ga Ga look at the sea horse, or Ga Ga don’t be afraid of the shark I’ll hold your hand”. That is worth more than the “lottery”, the “triple crown”.

Enjoying the moment, being here right now, and taking one day at a time, may sound corny at times but believe you me, for simple words, they are so powerful.

Therefore, I hope to continue my quest, my journey to make my life as healthy as I can so that I can have more days that are special, just more every day's. I look forward to the tomorrows but in the meantime …… there is the today ……

The Now!

Good luck my friends

May we all journey together

Love

Mike

You’ve Got to Believe …!

2008-05-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

There have been times in my life when I thought of quitting baby, but my “heart” just won’t buy it! Then I find some reason to hang on. Throughout my adult married life, it has been my family. My love for my wife. The thought of missing her forever was just not an option. Then I was blessed with a son. He has been a source of great strength and pleasure for me over these past thirty years, and now my life seems to have received “the cherry” on the sundae and that is my little grandson. What a pleasure and joy this little baby gives me. I have a great daughter-in-law, such a wonderful human being and becoming quite a great friend of mine. I have been blessed with a good extended family also and have had some very dear close friends throughout my life that I have drawn strength from at times.

Much of my survival I owe to my God and my spiritual relationship we have with each other. We have this thing where we lean on each other if we need each other (yeah sure! My relationship is really one-way God’s support for me and my love for God.

Yet you have to believe ….believe in something if you are going to survive. This is what I believe. One has to have a reason to hang on, to go on. I do not care what it is you believe in. It could be and should be a combination of things. It should be you, some spiritual belief in a higher power (being), another human being, a puppy dog, a soft cat, or pet pig, whatever it is. You have to believe.

What is the payoff? I will share with you one of the payoffs! Most of you know my struggle with my weight and how it has been my whole life. Many of you know of my story because of the notary I achieved in the 90’s when I lost over 700 pounds in 19 months and made the Guinness Book of records. I had received a lot of support from Richard Simmons at that time (and through out the years a continued friendship).

Many more of you have gotten to know me, when in May 1996, I gained back much of that weight and was removed from my home (due to a medical emergency) by a “fork lift”. It became a “media event” a “circus act”, as if I were some freak, rather than some poor human being, fighting to save my life, a human being who was “Hungry for Life”!

Now since May of 1996 my scale has seen many numbers. Numbers ranging, from 450 pounds up to 800 pounds and all kinds of numbers, back and fourth since then. Over the past 5 years, I have been in a Rehabilitation Center not once but twice all in the effort to fight the “battle of the bulge”. I respect everyone’s efforts but I have to say, I try just as hard as many of you. I have fought both privately and publicly very hard to be a “success”. Every pound that I have gained privately has been worn in the public. I could not help feeling that I have not only did I let myself down and my dear family and friends but many people out there who were following my story and rooting for me. This way if I could do it then maybe then, they too could have something work out in their life.

I refuse to give up! I will not quit. I get down sometimes but I am not staying there. You’ve got to believe in “HOPE”!

Now I have been home from Rehab for about 10 months and the time before this when I came home I almost started to gain weight immediately. Well I am home now and I can say for the first time probably 15 or 16 years I am out of the 400's! I am now in the upper 300’s, me, Mike Hebranko. I am cautiously excited. This is a gift that I know if I do not continue to work at and take care of myself, I will lose it, by gaining it! I have not broken any weight loss records since I have been home (I have been there and done that). It has been a slow steady process, but that is good for me. I use my K.I.S.T. method and it is working for me. Some one asked me at the doctor’s office “what is your goal”? I promptly responded, “To never get to it”. I have reached goals before and never maintained them for long. I gain lose weight and boy can I gain it! Therefore, for now, I am taking it easy and slowly but surely, it is coming off.

I do have to share something with all of you. It feels good. I try not to make that scale my police officer, my Academy Award etc but when I stepped upon it, the other day, at the doctors’ office. I see a 22+-pound weight loss since the last visit, well I was ready to do a tap dance and jump up and click my heels (now that would have been a sight in itself, not to mention a miracle). I was full of joy and thankfulness.

My dear friends all things are possible …..You’ve got to believe!

Love to you all

Mike

FEELINGS ….”To Err is Human to Forgive is Divine”

2008-04-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

Forgive or forgiveness, emm, I am not sure that forgiveness is a feeling or not but I think it is important to talk about at this time.

Forgiveness is a big word and (pardon the pun) a “heavy’ concept. Let me start with this analogy. A day is a day, and each day is a beautiful thing and we are blessed to experience any day. Yet lets be honest with ourselves, some days are a little nicer than others. I am not talking about anything that may be going on in your personal lives but just the day in itself.

Take a day when the sun is shinning, there is a nice warm breeze (not to hot), the air smells clean, you can hear the birds in the trees and mother nature is at her best. Tell me, that is not nicer than a day where there is overcast? A day when you know the sun is out but where it is out, who knows. The temperature is chilly; there is not a bird insight (except maybe a gull if you live by water). It is dreary, damp, and you just push yourself to do anything. Think about it for a second …… okay time is up!

When you are angry, bitter, or full of hate it is like those damp dreary days. Your life is like there is a cloud overhead. You don not want (consciously or subconsciously) to function, at your fullest. There is always this something there. Yet if you can forgive, truly forgive, then the “sun shines”!

Your life is now free, clean, fresh, bright, and yes chippy!

Easier said than done! Yes, of course it is. Does it take work? Definitely! Is it worth it? Well you tell me, would someone want a life clouded and gloomy (holding on to bad feelings of anger, hate, despair) or would someone want a life open, fresh, clean, bright, filled with hope and joy? A life that is more suitable to taking care of things, especially ones on person!

Believe me I know that some people (and situations) are easier to forgive than others are. Sometimes the hurts are tiny, not meaningful, without too much damage. Then other times they scream out with all reasons not to forgive. Yet we need to forgive, so we can go on!

Forgiving is a process and one that takes practice sometimes. I have learned to try to put things into perspective. Often I find forgiving easy. The little things are easier to forgive, especially if it is our loved ones, we are forgiving, (although they can often hurt the most).

Then there are the deep rooted, angers and hurts. Sometimes from as long ago as our childhood, where there might have been physical, sexually, mentally, and/or emotional abuse. Often the problems may be relationships gone badly, where there where all kinds of hurts and horrible things done to you. People often hurt people, and forgiving these people, is not easy to do and often not the thing you sometimes want to do.

Yet keep in mind that forgiving, sometimes can be sort of a selfish act. In, the fact, that it is for your own benefit, that you do forgive. This way, you can go on with your life. That your life can be free of this so call, “cloud” this “darkness”.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting or necessarily even renewing that particular relationship. If the person who hurt you is still around and you never speak to them again, so be it (if that is what you want and works for you). Just do not let hatred, anger, and the bad times of the past, rob you now of the present and of the future.

You need to feel the best you can, if you want to do the best you can.

Therefore work on the forgiveness thing (you may even need the help of a friend, professional, and/or religious advisor), just do whatever it takes to help you get past it and past it in a healthy way.

Get rid of the dirty laundry, and you will feel the freshness of springtime, within yourself.

Forgiveness gives me power. A power I love to feel and experience. I like to be able to forgive and I hope that I too can be forgiven when the time (s) come.

Have a great smiling and inner healthy day

Love

Mike

FEELINGS … "Give Me Anger or Give Me Death" …

2008-04-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

Is that not what Patrick Henry said? I do not think he quite said that, but “Anger” is the second installment of the “feelings” writings that I would like to address with this blog.
“Anger” can be very destructive both internally and externally.

Externally, as we look around the world, we can see what “anger” actually can do. It literally kills and mangles millions and billions of people, around the world. How dose this sound for an idealistic viewpoint, “a world without anger”? What a thought, what a world it would be.

Before we even attempt to make such an accomplishment and take on such a task, we first need to look at “anger” within ourselves. I put this to all of you who are reading this blog…
“How does anger affect your life”?

Do not get me wrong, I know anger is natural. It is natural to get angry … sometimes. Yet how we deal with the anger, how long we hang on to this anger, this becomes the “million dollar” question. Let us face it the longer anger “runs” us the more destructive it can become.

Often if we do not handle anger properly and efficiently, then for many of us it will manifest into more reasons for us to become self-destructive. Let us face it, we do not need more reasons for us to be self-destructive (overeat). Therefore, it is to our advantage to get over the anger as soon as possible. If I may say in the healthiest way possible.

How do we get over anger? I for one do not hold onto anger, not for long at least. I just do not like the way it makes me feel. Sometimes if I am angry with someone, I will let him or her know and then often I do not. I find it just sometimes dose not pay. It dose not change anything, and is often a waste of my valuable time and just causes more aggravation. I will just process the anger with rationalization and accepting the fact where it is coming from.

The anger that I personally find sometimes the hardest to deal with is self-anger. The anger I find I often have for myself. I get angry for the times that I have allowed myself to lose such valuable life experiences. This is the most difficult for me and this to me is a more important anger to deal with than any external anger that I might experience. This internal anger lingers in so many of us and needs to be dealt with on so many levels.

I find one healthy way to deal with this anger is with a lot of forgiveness. Self-forgiveness and self-love. Patience, a little understanding and I have to remember that “we” have been through a lot together (the “we” being, me and myself) and I have to give me a break.

If I am angry with myself, then I am not interested in caring for myself, and again that dose not work anymore for me in my life.

Okay everyone let us not be angry anymore! Let us not be angry with our parents, or our spouses (present or exes) our uncles and aunts, or even our abusers. Enough, with being angry at the politicians, and most of all with ourselves.

I know that it is not easy not to be angry, especially with people who have hurt you. I am not telling you to forget, I am just saying let go of the anger and do whatever you need to do to let go of it in a healthy way. It is for your own sake, your overall well-being. Your future success depends on it!

Hey, you are a good person, as a matter of fact, you are a great person and you deserve all the best that life can offer you. You do not have to live with anger any longer than you should have to.

Get rid of these negative feelings. Feelings that knock you down and keep you down!

Replace them with good feelings.

The good feelings of love, and a lot of self-love. Replace anger with caring for yourself, building on successes, feeling a little better about who you are and the good things you can do and the things that you really do for yourself. Void out anger and take in life, your life and start smiling, and smiling a lot.

These are good things!

Have an angry free day!

Love ya

Mike

FEELINGS …Loneliness

2008-04-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

Feelings, nothing more than feelings, trying to forget those feelings of …..! I love that song and I am one of those frustrated singers. Actually, I am a 55-year-old, American Idol reject. If I were on American Idol Randy would say, “You really have it man, but you are just off pitch. Then Paula would be next and say “Michael you’re beautiful man and you love to entertain but I have to agree (as always) with Randy, your pitch is off. Then Simon, he would sit back with his arm on the back of Paula’s chair and his words of wisdom would spurt out “YOU STINK”! That would be the end of my singing career. Yet it would not stop me from singing, as people who are close to me know I do. In spite of some opinions, I sing anyway.

Singing is not what I really want to deal with in this positing. Actually, for the next couple of postings I want to talk about feelings. Feelings are the key to our whole life. Our “ups and downs” our successes and the things that sometimes hold us back. All of it has to do with our feelings, and how we deal with them. Our feelings and how we deal with these feelings means the difference between night and day.

The feeling I want to talk about today is, one that almost embarrasses me. I will tell you why. I consider myself a very lucky man and for several reasons. One reason is that I have been blessed with a “soul mate” my wife, my son and now his wife and my beautifully handsome grandson. I also have some great family members who I love and who I know love me back. I have wonderful friends and we care for each other. “I have people”, through most of my life I have had people. I have this theory, you give, you get! I give of myself and I get so much more in return. Therefore, what am I embarrassed to talk about …..”Loneliness”.

Loneliness is the hardest feeling I believe I have to deal with. There are times that loneliness consumes me. It takes comes over me like a “black cloud” a dark blanket. It could happen when I am all alone or when I am in a room full of people. When it hits, it hits hard! It drains me, leaves me empty. I am not scared to be alone, at least not in the respect where I am afraid of something may happen. If anything “scares” me when this loneliness comes over, is myself.

I can be and in the past have been dangerous to myself. Sometimes this loneliness last for seconds and sometimes for months. All I know is when this emptiness, abandonees, “black hole”, comes over me there is not enough food in New York City to fill the void. I have done some terrible damage to myself in the past. Learning how to deal with it in other ways can be and is cathartic.

This feeling of loneliness is a rough one for me to handle. The other feelings I do a lot better with, I really do not “hate” anyone or anything. I dislike sometimes for a little while but not hate. I am not a negative person. I do not have anger in me (although my therapist thing I should have some anger).

One of the new ways of dealing with this loneliness feeling is trying to understand what it is about and where does it come from. Trying not to fill my face with food allows me to experience the feeling for what it is. I have to share with you, it can and does hurt! Dealing with this feeling of loneliness involves asking yourself, real hard true questions. Some of which you may not be ready for the answers. Often it involves “crying”, sometimes a lot of it, and why not if that is what comes up for someone then let it happen. The history of my loneliness is interesting and I guess it has to do with the old “childhood” thing. Everything is blamed on the “childhood”. I was an only child (as was millions of other people), and I spent a lot of time alone. The “Teddy Bears” and me. There were three of them and myself. The four of us played monopoly together (I never did, the Panda always did. He was a hard negotiator), and many other things, they were my best friends who I played with and shared my fears with (of which I had many as a little kid).

I had people around then but I was lonely I guess and much of that time was filled with food and snacks. Early bad habits that filled and emptiness and made me feel good for the moment. We know this does not work for us now. Still knowing and doing is the struggle of a lifetime, a “struggle for life”.

I cannot stop feeling lonely in my life at times. Even now at a time in my life when I am at the height of the “love” that flows through my daily life. I cannot stop feelings from coming up. None of us can stop feelings from happening. It is how we deal with the feelings that can change our lives. I for one am trying, trying very hard to do things differently.

I wish I would not feel so lonely, especially when I have so much in my life. I do not feel this way all the time but sometimes. The way I look at it, it could be worse. As long as I have breathe, as long as I can write about it, talk about it, as long as I try then I know I will not fail.

Right now I am not lonely, because I have you …… thanks

Good luck to you …

Feel… go with it, do not bury the feelings it with food!

Love
Mike

Did You Hear the News?

2008-04-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

It’s happened! The little “Red Pill” has been invented. You know what red pill I am talking about, The one where we need no more surgeries, no more exercise, no more dieting, no more trying, no more set backs! The “Red Pill” where we take it at 9pm, go to bed and the next morning we all look like Brad Pitt or Angelina.

April fools!! Sorry, believe me am I sorry. I think in the back of my mind I have waited for that pill for the past 42 years. The truth is it is not happening … at least not now! Who knows what the future holds but the fact is, we live in the present. It is “the Now” that we need to deal with. We need to live life to our fullest ….. Now, today!

When I began this blog message, I thought for a minute, “should I fool around with such a sensitive subject. Let us face it obesity is a serious problem. People dying from it each day and others are sacrificing their own quality of life. So what is so funny I thought? Then I said to myself, “self, lighten up”! Sometimes we need to use our sense of humor … it helps. A little laughter is not a sin. It is okay to laugh. I have met people in my life, who think if they laugh, then others will not know how miserable their lives are!

Do not worry; we will know how miserable your life is ….. just laugh a little. It is okay and it may feel good actually.

I love humor. I try to find humor in life as much as possible. My wife (best friend) and I have laughed so much (often through some of our hardest times). You would be surprised how a little humor; a little laughter can make things go a little better.

As a dear friend of mine, taught me a long time ago … your sense humor can often heal loneliness, boredom, anger and many other negative feelings.

So look around today, find a something to smile about (or laugh about). Call someone who makes you laugh, tell someone a joke, get tickled (emmmm).

The thing is, feel good about life in general, feel could about yourself; feel great that you are a player. Why shouldn’t you? You are, and I am great people and we deserve happiness.

Have a smiling day

Love
Mike

Ps.

This new nun joins a convent and she takes the vow of silence. She is only allowed to say “two words” each year. Therefore, a year goes by and the Mother Superior says to her “okay sister a year has gone by you can now say two words. What would you like to say”? The sister looks at the Mother Superior and says “Food Stinks”!

The Mother Superior thought to herself, “wow, she could only say two words and food stinks is what she says”. The “Mother Superior” changes the cook and brings in better quality food.

Another year goes by, the sister comes in front of the “Mother Superior”, and Mother says to her, “Sister another year has gone by what two words would you like to say this year”?

The Sister looks at Mother Superior and says “Bed hard”! The Mother Superior thought to herself, “My Lord, I better change the furniture. It must be terrible, if this is the two words she chooses to say and it is about the furniture”. She changes all the furniture in the Convent.

The third year pasts and the Sister comes before the Mother Superior and Mother says, “What words do you choose to say this year”? The nun says “I Quit”!

The Mother Superior says, “Oh, thank God, you have done nothing but complain since you got hear”!!!!

Loss … or Farewell to the “BIG LUG”

2008-03-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

Enough is enough! Since January, it seems like it has been one personal loss after another. They say you hear of “deaths” in three, well for me these past three months, it has been more like three times three. Just in the past three weeks alone, I have lost very close dear friends. Last week it was a friend of mine, who has been in my life for over thirty years. Then just yesterday, I and some of my dear friends, have lost a loved one. Someone affectionately know to us as the “Big Lug”. The world will be a much emptier place without our friend Al.

Loss is not easy for any of us to handle. I know speaking for myself, as an addict, I feel that the emptiness I feel, the great hole that is left deep down inside of me, the pain that my heart is screaming out with, knows only one temporary “pain reliever”. You know exactly what I am talking about! We try stopping the pains, these wounds with a “band-aide”. A band-aide called food! I ask you, does this simply gratification solve anything? Does it take away the pain, does it ease the loss, does it fill the emptiness, and does it bring back our “dead” loved ones?

No, it does not! I know that, and you know it and the world knows it. We need to be rational when it comes to times like this. We have to be rational! If we turn to food now, if I turn to food now, it solves nothing and creates an infinite number of other problems.

What else do we do? I do not have all the answers. What I do have is many experiences. I know what does not work. I know bingeing do not work.

Often talking with someone, sharing how you are feeling in the moment, might help. Writing a note to someone, maybe to yourself or even your friend or loved one that you have lost, can help. Blogging might be an outlet, and yes, even praying can be a blessing.

Sometimes I take a walk, (it may be a short one, but it is a walk). I might make a phone call to someone. Often that person I am talking to, may not know what I am even going through at that moment.

One thing I know for sure, is that the people I have lost recently in my life, very much supported my recovery. The last thing they would want for me, is to be part of my potential “backslide”.

My pain exists, my friends are gone, and the loved ones they leave behind hurt.

The earth is less full, their lack of presence will be realized, Al (“Big Lug”), Linda, David, Bill, Robert all gone too early in life, (some due to our “disease”).
Your physical beings will sure be missed but your memory and spirit will live forever in many of our hearts.

To my sweet friend Ro, who physically you are still with us (thank God) but you have seemed to leave us in memory (hopefully temporarily). I miss you dearly Ro and I am praying for your prompt return.
Painful? You bet! Since January, it has been one loss after another and many major battles have been fought within.
Life is often about battles and these are the days that our training and experience really have to kick in.

Easy? No. Impossible? No. Necessary? Absolutely!

We must stay focused, we must Keep It Simple Today, and we must “never give up” and always remember all things are possible … as long as we believe!

God bless my friends and loved ones here and there

LOVE
MIKE

Comes In Like A Lion …

2008-03-01T10:38:00.000-08:00

They say March either, comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb or visa-versa. Personally I like roller coasters but in theme parks and not in my life. Of course, in a perfect world, every day being mellow and predictable, would be easy for someone to follow a health food program but “man would that be a bore”! Therefore, we have months like March in our lives, unpredictable. Think about it, how many times are our days like March,... "unpredictable"? We start out with one plan and "boom" something happens that changes our direction. Often we start out in one kind of “head” (mood) and someone or something comes along and bingo! We all of a sudden have a new attitude, one of which is often not a good one.
Life has its difficulties and at times our plans do not work out.

This is life and thank God for it! Think of how boring life would be if nothing changed and everything worked as planned. Oh, I am not crazy about the rough times. I am human.
Health crisis, money problems, relationship conflicts, they all trouble me and often really can cloud my outlook. What I try to do is catch it when I can. I try to, as soon as possible, realize that I am allowing that situation to take control of my life rather than “me, myself” being in the drivers seat! If I let, the “problems” run the situation then I am just a passenger, in my own life and I have to go where I am taken. WELL NO MORE! I cannot allow myself to be a just passenger in my own life! I have to be the pilot! I have to be behind the wheel and I have to direct the path my life takes. Other wise I take the role of the victim and that does not work for me. I cannot let a bad situation run me (control me) longer than the moment I realize that it is happening.

I know if my life is to work, I have to work it and this is what seems to be working for me now!
Believe me I am not without problems, boy do I have my share of situations but they are in a pile and I try to handle them one at a time. Some I work out pretty well and some are in the pile a little longer. I know if I let them take over my life, if I constantly worry about money or health, if I try to be always right in an argument or try to figure out someone else’s ways, it could and will “drive me to eat”!
I do not need reasons to self-destruct and eat myself to oblivion.

I love life too much; I enjoy the little things that I am able to do again. It sounds corny but you do not realize what you have until you do not have it any more. I was homebound, bed bound, institutionalized for nearly 15 years. That is a long time. Prior to that my disease caused me to cut myself out of many things in my life and the lives of my loved ones.

Now that I am in my “twilight” years, I want to maximize every possible opportunity. I do what I need to do to get through each situation .... some times it is even writing on my blog!

Therefore my friends, do not let the garbage smell up your life. Throw it aside, throw it out and take the time to "smell the flowers". Get in the drivers seat and sore!
Have a great day …. You deserve it!

Love
Mike

K.I.S.T.

2008-02-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

People go to school for many years to receive many levels of degrees and diplomas. My hats off to all of them for their efforts and accomplishments. I personally have some formal education but I hold a self- proclaimed PhD in “the battle to live”. My thesis is in the self-study to find a balance of living with my disease and being able to come to some normalcy. Do I know about obesity? Do I know things about myself, and how they affect my behaviors? Do I know how to lose weight? Do I know how to diet? Do I know? Oh do I know! If a doctorate could be issued in “obesity” … well just call me Dr. Mike.

I have researched this disease for over twenty-three years. I have self-examined and put myself in therapy for over thirty years. Medically, I have experienced personally a lot and have seen even more. I have exercised at 198 pounds and at 1,000 pounds and I have lost literally over a ton of weight.

Throughout the years if something worked for me, I was the type of person who wanted to share with my friends. Well something is working for me over the past almost three years and I want to share it. Now it is no magic answer and it is really nothing amazingly new but it works, it works for me. I am an addict and when it comes to food, I love it. I will always love it and not all the therapy, all the behavior modification, in the world, so far has been able to keep me from loving food. Not only do I love it I am addicted to it also. In that once I start eating it I can barely control myself and it becomes a major all out battle.

Therefore, what is working for me is my K.I.S.T. method. Keep It Simple Today! Tomorrow we will worry about when it gets here but for today simple. Simple menus, simple cooking, simple flavors. The more involved the more flavors and aromas, the prettier and tastier and emmm good then guess what? I want more! No matter how healthy it is prepared, how much fiber and little fat etc. etc. eventually if you eat more and more of it the calories add up. If you eat, more calories than your body burns up in a 24-hour period then guess what happens to those extra calories? They get stored as fat. Now I know that is a simple version but that is what I am talking about, simple. Keep It Simple Today!

Listen to me my friends and listen to and old experienced person in this topic (one who in no way has it all together yet) we cannot look for pleasure in the food. We have to find something else in our life that makes us feel as good as those crazy flavors, sensations that come from eating. That is the million-dollar question what is that thing for you. For me it might be my grandson, or my wife or family or helping a friend for you it might be something else.

The important thing is the quest is worth it in your life. Your ultimate inner peace and happiness is worth it all. So when it comes to your battle for control today, when it comes to your next meal or worrying about your exercise remember this K.I.S.T.

Keep It Simple Today
Love ya
Mike

POLITICS

2008-01-31T11:02:00.000-08:00

Sitting home and getting to watch many of the twenty-four news networks you get to realize how funny politics really is. The sad thing is how many lives depend out the outcome of what goes on with all of this. These people spend time knocking each other and promising things and assuring the next thing. Which one is going to end the war and who says the troops may be there for the next hundred years? One is going to end poverty, the next one is going to give universal health care and next one will balance the budget. Some may raise taxes; some lower, some even do away with taxes, and some might just flatten them and make them fairer! They say “we’ll educate everyone, create millions of new jobs, secure boarders, build walls, open up the boarders, give amnesty, bring down gas prices, reduce green house emissions, cure all diseases, protect life, protect choice, protect choice of life”. WHEW! If we could take a little of this one, a little of the next one and some of the other one, mix them all together and maybe then just maybe, wow we would have some candidate! Who knows?

The truth is (in my limited opinion), I have followed politics for some time (especially presidential) and in all honesty I find throughout the years (with some exceptions), and most of the people who run are sincere. I think they mean well and have some true honest convictions. Some do flip-flop and seem to say what is popular at the moment. I feel they say a lot, then when they get to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. and they are sitting in that Oval Office they find things are not as easy as they might have thought and the job is a lot more involved. That is why so many of them get white hair by the time they leave office. We as Americans can be funny too. We will put a democrat President in the White House and then we give them a republican Congress or visa-a-versa, so they wind up in grind lock for at least two years.

Bureaucracy, oh do not let me even get started. The other day I needed to call Medicare and I needed to speak to a human being. First after pressing eight different buttons, the recording tells me there will be a 12-minute wait to talk to a human being. Okay, a 12-minute wait this is the United States of America government business office telling me this, so I wait maybe 12, maybe 6, maybe 15 minutes, eventually a person gets on. I explain the situation and he tells me he needs to check something out, "to please hold on". I do. One minute leads into three minutes into 6 minutes, ten, and fifteen until a recording tells me that I am on hold to long thank you and proceeds to disconnect me. Therefore, we start all over again!

I was ready to eat a horse! In four hours, I basically, got nothing accomplished with all my calls. My instinct was to eat and eat a lot. I was angry, frustrated and my energy levels were down. I had to fight my old behavior patterns and ways of handling these feelings and for that day, I was successful! To quote Martha “that was a good thing”.

Yet it was not just a fight and I did not just sit there and bite my finger, hold on to my chair and just wait and hope until the feeling to binge passed. No! It did not work that way. I had to change my ways, I had to do things differently. The ways of my past do not work in my current lifestyle. Some one once said the sign of insanity is to do the same thing over and over the same way again and again. No, I found more constructive things to do. I spoke to people, I wrote, I even did a little exercise (for me).

We really need to try to do things differently. If it did not work for us in the past, why keep doing it the same old, same old, thing in the same old way. Sometimes we need to really change and not just talk about change and throw the word around meaninglessly. It is nice to talk change, yet we need to be doers, make change, especially change in our personal lives. This is what is really going to make a difference and count towards a quality of life.

Good luck to you in your political choices but more important bless you in your personal journey to make the changes that count.

Have a great day!

Love
Mike

A Little Less Sunlight Shines Today ...

2008-01-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

I am sad today! I am hurting, I am burning inside and my heart is screaming in pain. God has decided it is not quite the time for me to become a grandpa again. It is times like this when I find my faith being tested and I know I must turn to God even more, yet it is difficult. I know he understands it a lot better than I do. However, what hurts the most is not the loss of the opportunity of being a grandpa to another little baby right now. No, I have my grandson and that is wonderful enough and if God says that is it, well then that is okay. What hurts the most is that I have two children (my daughter-in-law and son) who are hurting and I cannot do anything to make that pain go away.

I know, I as a parent, I want for my kids not to hurt. I want to protect them. I know it is not a reasonable thing to say, I know it is part of growing up, I know they are adults and I hear all the arguments and voices telling me all the logical things but I still wish there was more that I could do for them, than just sit here. Sit here and love them, grieve with them, support them and try to find the right words (which I never seem to do).

I know time will heal, and with the help of our Lord a year or so from now there might be a little baby sitting here and today although will never be forgotten, the pain might be filed under “Past Pains”, but all that doesn’t help today or make it feel any better.

I want to take a moment to address all you beautiful, wonderful mothers out there. You are “vessels of miracles”, and you go through so much. Thank you and God bless you all.

As for my Nancy (my daughter-in-law, who I do not even think reads my blog), Nancy I love you honey and it will be okay and God, I am asking you, take care of her through this difficult time. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your time and ...

Love to all of you … born and unborn
Mike

No Resolutions ... at least not the same old, same old!

2008-01-03T13:06:00.000-08:00

How could I even dare to attempt to make a New Years resolution? What would I say? How about, “I will go on a diet this year and lose weight”. Emmm, how original, I never said that one before! In a pig’s eye I didn’t. I can not begin to share with you how many times, how many years, how many resolutions started out, just like that one, “I will go on a diet …”! Not doing it this year, I will not set myself up, just to fail. In the past I would make that same old commitment to myself and when I would find myself in trouble, eating out of control, it would be just another excuse for me to eat some more. Why not? I failed at my resolution once again, munch, munch, munch, etc.

Not this year! 2007 has been a good year, a great year for me, I am in a better place both mentally and physically than I was 300 days ago and certainly 600 plus days ago. It has been a losing year for me (weight wise). This I have not been able to say for many years. I am more mobile than a year ago, I am home with my family and the past six months I have gotten the opportunity of a lifetime (one I never thought I would ever see). I have gotten to experience, interact, play and love my grandson, more than I could have ever imagined. What a blessing this has been!

Now for 2008 do I have resolutions, goals etc? Sure I do. I resolve not to be such a nag to my sweet wife. She is not responsible for me not being able to do the things I would like to be doing. She is, has been and always will be an angel to me. She is my soul mate and has put up with things that no human being (in my opinion) could do. She is a super gal, so I resolve to try to make her life a little easier (as far as I can do). I also resolve not to be so “OCD”. I don’t know when it happened and I am not even sure if I officially am but as I get older, I seem to become more like Jack Nicholson in “As Good As It Gets”. I need things done in certain ways; things have to be just so, it drives me crazy and the people around me, are not so thrilled with this either. So I will try not to be so … so, well you know. To be honest I am not to sure even these two resolutions are working out and it is only the 3rd of January.

Yet I will try to work on those things. As far as food and dieting go, no resolutions, not at all! It is about a way of life and what is better for me. I know it is better for me to eat sensibly and to move as much as I can and if by chance January 3rd 2009 I happen to weigh less than I do today, well then that is a good thing.

To all my dear friends, let’s stick together, remember it is a “weigh of life”, and also keep in mind “it’s not to late for 2008”.

Happy and Healthy New Year

Love ya

Mike

MERRY CHRISTMAS... MOMMY & DADDY

2007-12-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is a time for an explosion of emotions and feelings. There is the obvious and that is joy and happiness but then there are the feelings and emotions that many of us are either afraid to talk about or ashamed to talk about. These are the feelings of sadness, emptiness, and loneliness. The feelings you get when you miss someone(s) and you cannot just pick up a phone and call him or her. In my case around the holiday season (just a little more than other times) I seem to miss my mommy and daddy. Let us face it, it hurts.

I can smell the freshness of the real Christmas tree in our small apartment and picture the same decorations placed in the same places year after year. I can hear my mom on the phone to my father, telling him to stop at the grocery store and to pick up something she ran short of for her cooking and baking. In my home (when I was single), the holiday ran for the whole week long. There was different guest every night and a spread put out on the table, fit for a king. My mom cooked and baked for a whole week before the holiday, in anticipation for these galas. Friends and relatives could not wait for her specialties that she would cook traditionally at this time of the year. I remember that we lived in a very small apartment and my dad built her a steel box to put out on to the fire escape so she could use it to store her food, there was so much of it. This was the spare refrigerator (our fire escape). Every day different smells and aromas would mesmerize you coming from her kitchen. Dinners the week before the holiday were a little skimpy because mom would always say, “I had no time to make anything to extravagant for supper, tonight”. Yet it all seemed okay because we knew the payoff was next week. Yes there we go with the payoff (rewards) being food and cooking but what the heck it was the holidays. I am sure many bad habits of mine were established during those years but that is not what I am writing about today. I am writing about mommy and daddy.

I wish my mom were around to see my son (she missed him by a couple of months) she would have been a very proud “nana”. Her son’s son, her chest would have stuck out at least a yard with pride. It angers me sometimes, that she never got to hold my son, never got to see him laugh or smile. My son had a great personality as a little boy, everyone loved Mikey and why not he was and still is a great person! My dad did get to know him some what.

Yet neither one of them got to experience the “piece de resistance” and that is my grandson. Oh, man he makes every battle, every hurdle, and every step I take worth it all. Just the pleasure to hear his little voice call me Ga-ga. I wish my mommy and daddy could hear that. Is that selfish? It might be, some people may say, but I do not care! I wish they were here to share this joy in my life, to see that I am happy, their little (maybe not so little) boy has truly found the meaning of happiness. It is not in things that you can buy or own. Happiness can be measure by how much you are loved by others. My mother and father’s only child is truly happy. I am loved by my wife (and friend) of over 30 years. I am loved by my son and his wife, my family and friends and now by my special little ga-ga (my grandson). I have happiness and I would like my mommy and daddy to see this, especially now around the holiday season.

Well with technology the way it is going, maybe next year I can pick up my cell phone and dial 1-800- 4HEAVEN and ask to speak with Jeanette and Mike (my mom and dad). I miss you guys, I love you, have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, do not fight and remember I have found true happiness!

Love your baby
Michael

Ps

And to all of you my friends all the best for a holiday season and healthy New Year

Love
Mike

Canonization... Not In My Near Future

2007-11-26T17:32:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving, I had a plan and thank God I did. I knew from the beginning 1400 calories for the day was a little unreasonable and too much pressure on one’s self is not always the best plan either. Of course, I could have made the choice to stay at home alone, but what did I do wrong? Why should I punish myself? Last year I was at Brookhaven with my friends and Brookhaven family and that was a good experience. Because of that choice last year, this year I now could be with my wife and family. I knew from the past that dinner would be about 4pm and starving myself all day was not the way to go. Therefore, I had a light breakfast and was good. My plan for dinner was some turkey (light and dark, I like both) no skin. A teaspoon (yes teaspoon) of stuffing, veggies and that would be it. Later, if I wanted a couple of fresh nuts, I enjoy them on the holidays.

The guest arrived at my mother in laws house and at about 3:50pm I lead the group in Grace and the feast began. First the dreaded “anti-pasta”, those imported Italian chesses. It has been a long time since I tasted chesses at least one that is not salt/free, fat/free, I had a couple of pieces. Just that I can remember it was a couple is a big thing for me (I use to eat pounds of it), I also had a couple of pieces of the imported smoked meats (I paid for that the next day, my body is not use to fatty meats). Then there was the pasta course (I did not even take a plate for that course) but those mini raviolis looked so good I had to taste one. Then the main course! It is kind of funny when you are not busy stuffing your face and you get to observe how other people eat on holidays and what actually goes on the table. There were five yes five different potato dishes on the table. Two different mashed, candy yams, sweet potato pies, and yes a baked sweet potato, (for me). There were two different kinds of stuffing’s, turkey, roast pork and green veggies some creamed and buttered and some steamed and plain for me.

I strayed a bit and I went off my plan and it made me feel a little guilty but it should not have.

Let me share the great things about that day,
1. I was alive
2. I was a participant
3. I was with my wife and loved ones
4. I didn’t have to prepare the food
5. I did not have to deal with leftovers
6. Most of all there was a family medical emergency (we had to call 911) that could have ended up in a disaster but turned out to be okay

We had a lot to be thankful for that day, I am thankful for that day and every other day … so Sainthood is not in my future (I really never expected it to be) but I do thank the Lord that I have today to keep trying and that we all have today as a gift. We need to make the best of this gift.

Have A Great Day …. “All things are possible…”

With Love and Respect,
Mike

To Eat or Not to Eat ...That is the Question..

2007-11-13T11:23:00.000-08:00

Or is it the question? The holidays are right around the corner and for the past 55 years, that has meant an orgy of eating. Usually, it begins a couple of days before Thanksgiving (preparing the meals) and ending the second week in January with the last of the leftovers. I use to laugh when I would hear the report how the “average” person would gain 6 to 9 pounds over the holiday season, Ha! Once again, I did not fall into the averages. My weight gain over this seven-week season would be more like 50 pounds, yes fifty pounds. Then the depression and anger with myself would give me the excuse to beat myself up and say “what the heck” and the 50 would turn into 100 pounds. They are just numbers, for me it is 50 and 100 for you it can be 25 and 40 or 15 to 30, the numbers are not the issue, it is the behavior and attitude!
I cannot afford a backslide. I cannot let my guard down. My gift to myself this holiday season is to stay healthy. I must stay focused on the great feeling of being able to move better and participate in life better than I have in the past. It cannot be all about food. Yes, reality is that there are favorite seasonal, traditional dishes that are made during the season. Well I do not have to eat all of them and I do not have to eat it all. A taste if anything will have to be enough! I am a realist and in the past (1989-90) I starved myself for the holidays like some kind of hero. Whom did I fool? What was I proving?
I am a human being and I will want to have a taste of something, right now to be honest I do not. There is nothing I want to have and part of my disease is to have this great control and have nothing during the holidays, but why? When the time comes, I will do my best to plan, choose, and eat sensible.
I want this to be a joyous holiday for me. I have so much to be thankful for and so many things to look forward to. Life is so great, the world is a beautiful place, and I want to be a player. It is much more fun playing than just sitting on the sidelines and being a spectator. Relaxing, making the right choices and loving myself will allow me to continue to be a player and play even better next year!
Have a great day and remember "you are worth it"!
with Love
Mike

I Can Be My Worse Enemy...

2007-10-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

Oh my mind, what a mind! I really like myself and I would not trade myself with no one else. I like the way I reason things out, I love the way I love. I think I have a fairly, good outlook on life and I know I could hang out with a person like me. Yet sometimes when I allow my negative thoughts to get the best of me, it can be damaging. Let me share something with all of you.

I came home from Brookhaven (Rehab) the end of June and when I left, I weighed myself as we did each week. Two weeks later, I paid a visit back to Brookhaven and of course, I weighed myself and had lost a couple of pounds. That was good. Unfortunately, I have not been able to return to “My Brookhaven Family” since then. I have had all kinds of reasons and stupid little problems but one of them is I think in the back of my head I thought I might be gaining weight. Why? No logical reason for this thought pattern. No reason, except for my sick mind. You see when you are in Brookhaven (or at least when I am in Brookhaven) you eat three meals a day. Three meals that are planned for you, prepared for you and then served to you. If I ate between meals, it would be a piece of fruit or a cereal (portion-controlled cereal) that I would bum from someone and that would be it. Since I have been home, I have not binged. I have not eaten bread, or pastas, or pizza or a lot of meat. Rarely do I eat a slice of beef or pork, I have had no cold cuts or cheese. I eat many veggies and fruits, salads, some chicken and tuna fish packed in water. Yet I find myself picking sometimes on an extra cracker or pretzel or a 90-calorie, Quacker snack bar. My mind right away says that is cheating, you are doing the wrong thing, “bad Michael”! In the past, I would then turn around and punish myself by turning that snack into a 50-pound weight gain. I do not do that any more, at least not for now!

I fight my mind making me wrong and looking for the opportunity to turn a snack into a reason to binge. My mind wins sometimes, and how it did this time is by telling me I am gaining weight. Even though my clothes say I am not, my family says I am not. I am getting around more, and I dance with my grandson a little. We play hide and seek, of course, he hides in the same places all the time and I pretend not to see him, then he jumps out and scares me. Why do I still after all these years allow myself to listen sometimes to that voice that says to me “you are getting heavier, you are not doing well”!

Well let me share with you and the world that voice is a liar!!! I had to go to my Doctor’s office this past week and I with fear in my heart I knew I had to face the demons and get on that scale. Well I have lost 27 pounds since I have been home! Twenty-seven pounds, I am so pleased. It is not any world record and that is fine I have “been there, done that” before! It is coming off slowly but it is coming off! All I know is that with God’s help I will soon be out of the 400’s. The thought of me in the 300’s a number I have not seen for over 15 years.

We cannot let our negative thoughts rule us. We must push on, past those thoughts and reinforce the positive things we do for ourselves. We cannot let fear rule us. I knew I had to get on that scale and whatever the results would be I had to go on and fight. “Every day in every way, I am getting better and better” and this is what I have to live by! My program, my life is too important to be ruled by what the scale says. We know in our hearts what we are doing, I have to allow my heart help me more and for my mind to but out sometimes.

Good luck my friends and never give up!

With love and respect

Mike

What a Great Day!

2007-10-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

What a great day! I like to start each day by saying just those words, “What a great day”. Some days it really takes work to make those words have the right meaning and then other days those words seam so obvious. Everyday is not the same, life deals different hands and often on a daily basis. Some days things are just going great for me. First, I wake up and that in itself is a miracle. Then I see my wife, a little later I get to see my son when he will stop by and say good morning. Then the real miracle happens and such a blessing, my dear daughter-in-law will come down and in the background I will hear a little voice say “hi grandpa”… emmm what else could I want. Me, hearing those words “hi grandpa”, never did I ever think I would hear it. I barely have gotten use to being a daddy (30 years) and now its grandpa. The best part of getting older is to see things like that.
Speaking of getting older, many of my friends and family have such a thing about getting older and “God forbid” mentioning their ages. So what, I am going to be 55 years old and God willing in 5 years I will be 60 years old. What is the difference as long as I am around to say all that. Thank God, I can say I am going to be 55 years old. It is just a number. I have friends who couldn’t say “I am 17 years old or 27 years old or 45 years old” and why can’t they say that because the died at 16, 26, and 44. Did my 16 year old friend think he would drown the day he went into that lake, did my 26 year old 1,000 pound friend think he would die just that day or so on? No! They expected that there would be many tomorrows, but there were none for them. No one knows how many tomorrows there will be for any of us, which is one very important reason why today “is a great day”!
It is a great day for me; yes, I am a little lonely today. My dear wife is out of town for the next two days and nights. My family is out doing their own things, I get a little lonely, and worse than that, I get “bored”! Boredom can be my worse enemy. When I am bored, I find myself looking too much for something to munch on. Yet I have to remind myself how important not giving into that desire to munch. Eating healthy and being 60years old has a direct relationship in my life. I have things that I want to do, that I want to see done. Living life is more than eating food, I know this! I believe it!
Today and everyday I can say it is a “Great Day”! If I have to work a little harder some days to make sure it turns out to be a great day, the so be it! I have the power in my life to make my day the “Great Day” it deserves to be!

Feel free to share your thoughts and feeling about anything I have written or anything on your mind. I would love to hear from you!
Be well and remember “all things are possible if you believe” believe in something. Believe in something as beautiful as God and/or as beautiful as today and tomorrow.

Love you
Mike

I am a man "Hungry for Life"!

2007-09-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

I am just a regular guy with an unreal desire to live! I have a problem and it has been a problem for a big part of my life. I have an eating disorder, and when it comes to food I am an addict. I have allowed myself to eat tremendous amounts of foods to the point where I have become totally dependant of others and in danger of losing my life. Some say I have a “death wish”, I say poppycock to that! I do not know anyone who loves life, has a desire to live and who has hopes and dreams as much as I do. Yes I am hungry, hungry all the time, but I am more so “hungry for life”. I invite you to my blog page for sharing your feelings, ideas, successes, set backs, and for those who are interested in learning about the hearts and minds of the obese. Right now I am in a good place and doing good things for myself. I am experiencing things in life that I haven’t in over 15 years. The world is a beautiful place, things have changed a lot. For example what happened to the simple “walk and don’t walk” traffic signs, now there are hands telling us when to cross the streets. Well it is great to be a player again. I have a long way to go in my journey but if “I believe” then it will happen. There are changes that need to be made for my friends who suffer from this disease and need help, we must do something!! “Death wish”, poppycock I am a man who is “hungry for life” and I want to and I am going to live.
Mike